THE MAN TEST - Queer or Not:
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you
are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
Hello Faggot.
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but
queer. it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog - 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat - 'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez you're so queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in
a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as
fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or
four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're
dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass drivers or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, scratch his nuts, hold his beer, or shove her head down on his wang.
December 16, 2010
December 15, 2010
Today's Daily Joke
Maternity:
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "That's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "You see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife, repeats, "That's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"WHEW!" says the girl extremely relieved...
"I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "That's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "You see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife, repeats, "That's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"WHEW!" says the girl extremely relieved...
"I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"
December 13, 2010
Today's Daily Joke
100 Mph Goat:
Two rough and tumble Texans are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible,
I had him chained to a transmission!"
Two rough and tumble Texans are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible,
I had him chained to a transmission!"
November 22, 2010
Today's Daily Joke
The Plane Trip:
A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
November 21, 2010
Today's Daily Joke
Just Won’t Work:
An old man was watching a kid play fireman outside when he noticed something odd.
The old man walked outside and noticed that the kid was sitting in a red wagon with his fireman's hat on and a sting hooked from the wagon handle to the dogs balls.
The old man said "You know son, it would probably be better if you tied that string around the dog's neck."
The boy replied, "I tried that, but the siren won't work that way."
An old man was watching a kid play fireman outside when he noticed something odd.
The old man walked outside and noticed that the kid was sitting in a red wagon with his fireman's hat on and a sting hooked from the wagon handle to the dogs balls.
The old man said "You know son, it would probably be better if you tied that string around the dog's neck."
The boy replied, "I tried that, but the siren won't work that way."
November 19, 2010
November 18, 2010
Today's Daily Joke
Old Penny:
An old penny pincher had no friends.
Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at his bedside.
"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said.
"I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000."
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave.
On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000."
The doctor then said, "I must confess as well. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…"
An old penny pincher had no friends.
Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at his bedside.
"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said.
"I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000."
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave.
On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000."
The doctor then said, "I must confess as well. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…"
November 17, 2010
Today's Daily Joke
Mafia Watch:
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
Grandson I wanta you to listen to me.
I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me.
But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man.
Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
Grandson I wanta you to listen to me.
I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me.
But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man.
Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
November 16, 2010
Today's Daily Joke
Matrimonial Proposal:
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
November 15, 2010
Today's Daily Joke
Out of Gas:
Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas.
They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan.
The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car.
As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by.
He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help but admire your faith!"
Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas.
They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan.
The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car.
As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by.
He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help but admire your faith!"
November 12, 2010
Today's Daily Joke
Lettuce And Tomato:
This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school; unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is age 6.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembering that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper, "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.
"Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce," it sounds.
Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonnaise all over my face."
This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school; unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is age 6.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembering that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper, "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.
"Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce," it sounds.
Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonnaise all over my face."
November 11, 2010
Today's Daily Joke
An Illinois Man:
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
November 10, 2010
Today's Daily Joke
About Woman:
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free, you either married it or gave birth to it.
Insanity is a woman's only means of relaxation.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free, you either married it or gave birth to it.
Insanity is a woman's only means of relaxation.
November 9, 2010
Today's Daily Joke
Lucky Number:
There was a guy whose lucky number was five.
He was born on May 5, 1955.
He graduated 5th in his class, got a job with the 5th company he applied to and soon became the 5th highest executive, married the 5th girl he dated, had 5 children, and always shot a five under at golf.
He had a mistress who wore a size 5 dress.
One day he was at the racetrack, and saw that at 5:00 PM in the fifth race in lane number 5 was a five-year-old stallion named "Numero Cinco."
Seeing this as a sign, he goes to the fifth betting window and bets $55,555 on the horse.
He goes to the fifth row in the stands to watch the race.
The horse came in fifth.
There was a guy whose lucky number was five.
He was born on May 5, 1955.
He graduated 5th in his class, got a job with the 5th company he applied to and soon became the 5th highest executive, married the 5th girl he dated, had 5 children, and always shot a five under at golf.
He had a mistress who wore a size 5 dress.
One day he was at the racetrack, and saw that at 5:00 PM in the fifth race in lane number 5 was a five-year-old stallion named "Numero Cinco."
Seeing this as a sign, he goes to the fifth betting window and bets $55,555 on the horse.
He goes to the fifth row in the stands to watch the race.
The horse came in fifth.
November 8, 2010
Today's Daily Joke
Lawyer’s Dog:
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer:
$100 due for a consultation.
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer:
$100 due for a consultation.
November 5, 2010
Today's Daily Joke
The Rabbi:
There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby.
So the Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children this started to get expensive, so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation.
As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering.
Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd.
"Having children is an act of God," he said.
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby.
So the Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children this started to get expensive, so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation.
As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering.
Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd.
"Having children is an act of God," he said.
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
November 4, 2010
Today's Daily Joke
Doctor Joke # 51:
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?" he asked.
"I was in bed." she replied.
"What were you doing in bed this late?" he demabed to know.
"Getting a second opinion." she laughed.
Thinking fast, he replied, "I did that with two young nurses this morning."
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?" he asked.
"I was in bed." she replied.
"What were you doing in bed this late?" he demabed to know.
"Getting a second opinion." she laughed.
Thinking fast, he replied, "I did that with two young nurses this morning."
November 3, 2010
Today's Daily Joke
Down Yesterday:
A rescue team finds a crashed airplane.
The lone survivor is chewing on a bone, with a huge pile of human bones next to him, and the rescuers are in shock.
The lone survivor says, “You cant judge me for this. I had to survive.”
The leader of the rescue team says, “But you idiot, your airplane only went down yesterday.”
A rescue team finds a crashed airplane.
The lone survivor is chewing on a bone, with a huge pile of human bones next to him, and the rescuers are in shock.
The lone survivor says, “You cant judge me for this. I had to survive.”
The leader of the rescue team says, “But you idiot, your airplane only went down yesterday.”
November 2, 2010
Today's Daily Joke
Do You Know:
I know my sexuality, but I get so confused by other people's.
I don't even know the difference between transvestites and transsexuals. As I understand it, transvestites are the ones that grow down from the ceiling and transsexuals are the ones that grow up.
I know my sexuality, but I get so confused by other people's.
I don't even know the difference between transvestites and transsexuals. As I understand it, transvestites are the ones that grow down from the ceiling and transsexuals are the ones that grow up.
November 1, 2010
Today's Daily Joke
Do You Know Who’s In Your Office?
A young businessman had just started his own firm.
He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office.
Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I've came to activate your phone lines."
A young businessman had just started his own firm.
He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office.
Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I've came to activate your phone lines."
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