December 16, 2010

Today's Daily Jokes

THE MAN TEST - Queer or Not:

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you
are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
Hello Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but
queer. it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog - 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat - 'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in
a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as
fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or
four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're
dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass drivers or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, scratch his nuts, hold his beer, or shove her head down on his wang.

December 15, 2010

Today's Daily Joke


A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by
 the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before
 you see her that the baby is black"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no
 money and nowhere to live, so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "That's really none of my
 business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "You see I desperately needed
 the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife, repeats, "That's really none of my 
business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and 
there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"WHEW!" says the girl extremely relieved...
"I had this horrible 
feeling that it was going to bark!"

December 13, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

100 Mph Goat:

Two rough and tumble Texans are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible,

I had him chained to a transmission!"