May 31, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

A Dying Wish
A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.
The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."
The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife.
Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well.
"Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king."
She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles...the works.
After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made.
The man is beside himself.
Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.
Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers.
She rolls over and again proceeds to make love.
Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her.
She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes.
Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.
Well, the man decides to tap her again.
"Honey?" he whispers.
She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!"

May 30, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

Why Men Stand to Pee
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
It's a very handy thing, God told the couple, I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability?
Adam jumped up and blurted, Oh, give that to me! I'd love to please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great!
When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals. I could just stand there and let it fly. It would be so cool, I could write my name in the sand" On and on he went, Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it and she really wouldn't mind.
And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
Fine, God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, Lets see what's left here. Oh yes, Multiple orgasms...

May 29, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

YOU KNOW YOU'RE KINKY WHEN... 

--- You keep the ACE Hardware catalog with your other pornography.
--- You were always disappointed that the book Of Human Bondage wasn't.
--- Sticks & stones may break your bones, but that's an acceptable risk.
--- You read Andrea Dworkin for the pornography.
--- You call men other than your Father "Daddy."
--- Reading the word spanking makes you blush.
--- Your first, favorite scout badge was for knot tying.
--- You moved to Oregon so you could wear more raincoats.
--- Kitchen utensils are found in your bedroom.
--- Tack shops: Not just for equestrians anymore.
--- You own and use handcuffs, but aren't employed in law enforcement.
--- Your contracts involve punishments, but no money.
--- Your friends covet the bondage cross in your bedroom.
--- You hear about a Bridal Fashion Show to be held in your town, and you think, "Cool! I've always wanted to see what pony gear looks like ON someone!"
--- Your entire Music collection consists of music you can Scene to.
--- You give a new song a rating of 65. It's got a good beat and you can squirm to it.
--- You start to salivate and get aroused as you pass the local candle factory.
--- You always smell like Yankee Candle's Scent---Of---The---Month.
--- Canning season gets you *really* excited.
--- You see a sign in front of a house that reads, Chairs Caned, and you stop to see if the poor guy needs a PERSON to cane.
--- Citibank calls you because someone used your credit card to make a huge purchase at a tack shop in another state, and they know that you live in a metropolitan area and don't own a horse.
--- You make your vacation destination decisions based on that area's Assault and Battery, Consent, and Sexual Deviance laws.
--- Your Avon Representative politely informs you that the company has no plans to make that Eau de Leather scent you have been pestering them about.
--- Your idea of Fantasy Island looks far more like "Exit to Eden" than anything they showed on TV.
--- They know you by name, size, and favorite colors at four local leather shops.
--- You need an 18---wheeler to haul all your toys to a party.
--- Your son's Boy Scout Troop thinks you are way cool because you helped them earn their merit badge for knot tying.

May 28, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

The Economy Is So Bad, well just how bad is it:

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Jewish women are marrying for love.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

HotWheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM and Chrysler.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico .

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

Motel Six won't leave the light on.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

And finally ... Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Hey, great idea ... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

May 27, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

The case of the Alter Boy and the Priest:

A priest is giving confession but he drank a little too much communion wine before hand and had to piss really bad.
So when the next guy was done with his confession the priest asked him, "Would you mind sitting in for me while I have to take a pee?"
The man being a pleasant soul said sure no problem.
So the priest showed the man a list of sins and the  corresponding penances to go along with them.
So the man was pretty secure that he had things under control.
The man was going along giving away Our Fathers, Hail Mary's, Rosaries and everything was going good.
Then a lady came in said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."
So the man looked on his list for Blowjobs but couldn't find it. He crossed reference it with Head, Sucked Dick, and Oral Sex but couldn't find a penance.
So he asked an Altar Boy, "Hey, what does the priest give for a blowjob?"
To which the kid replied, "He usually gives us two candy  bars and a soda pop."

May 26, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

TOOLS ... Their Definition and Use

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.


MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.


ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.


PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.


HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


VICE- GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
Flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the Grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.


WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.


WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them some where under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorl sand hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.


EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.


TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.


SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.


E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.


TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.


TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.


CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.


BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.


METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.


TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.


AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.


PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

May 24, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

The Old Widow:

An old widow and widower named Mary and Steve get married.
They are up there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick. They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night.


After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel.
Both are very nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other. In the process, Mary, the old woman, removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass.


Mary then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall.
She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and Steve is intently watching as Mary continues.
She removes her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand.


Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and Steve continues to stare in an interested manner.


As Mary takes off her wig, she realizes that Steve is not making much progress in getting undressed.
He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her.


She asks him, "What are you waiting for?"


Steve quickly replies, "You know what I want, what I am waiting for. So just take it off and throw it over here so I can use it.”

May 23, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

Spring Classes for Women at 
the Adult Learning Center

NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of class contents, we regret class sizes will be limited to a maximum of 8 participants, so please register early.

CLASSES:

Class 1
 Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat 
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
 Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.. 
 
Class 2
 Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? 
Round Table Discussion. 
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. 
 
Class 3 
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping? Group Debate.
 Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.  
 
Class 4 
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase. Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
 Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
 
Class 5
 Curling Irons - Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
 Examples on Video.
 Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM 
 
Class 6
 How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program. 
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
 Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
 
Class 7
 Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
 Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
 
Class 8
 Health Watch - They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT! 
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.  
 
Class 9 
I Was Wrong and He Was Right! - Real Life Testimonials.
 Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
 
Class 10 
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
 Driving Simulations.
 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
 
Class 11
 Learning to Live - How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
 Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
 
Class 12
 How to Shop by Yourself. 
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
 
Class 13
 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
 
Class 14
 The Stove / Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
 Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.  

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.



May 22, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

Couple of Guys
These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again.
They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at another woman again.
They got Alaska and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
One guy asked, "What's that board for?"

The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."

They both said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!"

The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year."
"
Okay," they said and left.
The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."

The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with another guy?"
"Yes" said the man.

"Where is he?" asked the trader. 

"I killed him" said the man.

Shocked, the trader asks, "Why?"

To which the man replies, "I caught him in bed with my board!"

May 21, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

Chinese Doctor, Chinese Philosophy on Health:

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, that's it... don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart will not make you live long; like saying you can extend life of car by driving fast. Want to live long? Take nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You no grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So steak is efficient mechanism for delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). Pork chop give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No! Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, which is to take water out of fruity bit and get more goodness that way. Beer made of grain, too. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body / fat ratio?

A: Well, you have a body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. You have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NO LISTEN!!!
Foods are fried in vegetable oil. Soaked in it. How can more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise, muscle gets bigger. Only do sit-ups if you want bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: You crazy? Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Best good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for figure, explain to me whales.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways Chardonnay in one hand chocolate in the other body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND ....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION -

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


Personal Note: I Love this Doctor

May 20, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

Annual Physical
A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exam.
Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.
"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancee has a particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."
The guy was appalled.
"If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?" 
"Well," the doctor elaborated, "The bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."

May 19, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

I'm going to try to help you simple minded people:

Jive craigslist personal ads....Women Seeking Men
What do they mean when you read them?

When She Writes / She Actually Means

Curvy............................FAT

average..........................FAT

ample............................FAT

Big boned........................FAT

generous.........................FAT

athletic.........................sort of fat, but I'm trying to lose it

Rubenesque.......................FAT

Well endowed (big, big, chest)...FAT

thin.............................so so. not fat

Fat..............................Giant, fat, huge woman. I could be a circus freak I am so freaking HUGE

BBW..............................I'm fat as a hog, but I've convinced myself that I'm hot.

thick............................Big FAT black woman

thick sista......................Big fat black ghetto woman

Single Mom.......................De Baby Daddy, he be done gone run away cuz I got too fat

Likes walks on the beach.........I need exercise, but I can't run, because I'm too damn fat.

Likes time at home...............Sometimes I just want to binge on whatever food I can find around the house, until there's nothing left. Then I go to the neighbors.

I like movies....................In the dark, no one can see how fat I am, and I LOVE those freaking Junior Mints!

Likes quiet times................At home, in the dark, with no sound, I am one with my fatness. My blubber oozes over the chair.

Enjoys Dancing...................In the middle of the floor, dancing in a crowd, no one can see how fat I am.

I like honesty...................As long as you don't mention my fatness, I like the truth.

I like a sense of humor..........I like jokes, as long as you don't joke about fat people.

May 18, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence or if I'm getting paranoid but ....

The Chinese Calendar:
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs/humans around the globe.

Next year -
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

May 17, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

An Elephant asks a Camel:
"Why are your tits on your back?"
"Well" says the camel,
"I think that's a very strange question coming from somebody who has his dick on his face."

May 16, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening, as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about you trying the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow ! . . . You mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."

May 15, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
'From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3 we are going to make love all night.
'The next night he came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1!'
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?
'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied'
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

May 14, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1.  She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2.  Mostly to clean the house.

3.  To help us out of there when we were getting born.
 

How did God make mothers?
1.  He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2.  Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3.  God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
 

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1.  God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2.  They had to get their start from men's bones.  Then they mostly use string, I think.

 
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.


What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.


What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

May 13, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

New Greeter at Wal-Mart

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10,15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their 'Older Person Friendly' policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
'Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.
'Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.'
'Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?'
They said; 'Good morning, General, coffee this morning, sir?'

May 12, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

Children writing about the ocean...sort of..........

1 This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly, age 6)

2 Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(Jerry, age 6)

3 If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.
(Wayne, age 7)

4 Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.
(Kylie, age 6)

5 A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)

6 My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.
(Millie, age 6)

7 When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
(William, age 7)

8 Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?
(Helen, age 6)

9 I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy, age 6)

10 Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11 When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

13 On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.
(Julie, age 7)

14 The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15 My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

May 11, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

Kids Are Quick:

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Harvey , what is the chemical formula for water?
HARVEY : H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
HARVEY : Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

May 10, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

ALL I NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY :

...Don't put all your eggs in one basket
...Walk softly and carry a big carrot
...Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
...There's no such thing as too much candy
...All work and no play can make you a basket case
...A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention
...Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
...Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits
...Some body parts should be floppy
...Keep your paws off other people's jelly beans
...Good things come in small sugarcoated packages
...The grass is always greener in someone else's basket
...An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
...To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell
...The best things in life are still sweet and gooey

May 9, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

A Woman's Prayer:


Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong,

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,

And when I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "How big's my behind?"

One who'll make love till my body's twitchin,

In the hall, the garden and the kitchen!

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And never attempt to hit on my friend.

Amen.

May 8, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

What would you do?
You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?
Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Sales Executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
English Major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Comparative Literature Professor: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.
Computer Science Engineer: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
Economist: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
Drama Major / Actor: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the
character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Artist: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.
Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces.
Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
National Rifle Association Advocate: you shoot them and take the parachute.
Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute.
Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.
Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.
Branch Davidian (David Koresh): you get inside the parachute and refuse to come out.
Fanatic Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.
Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.
Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.
Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.

May 7, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

A New Yorker:

It's BBQ time! After many long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to spring and BBQ season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put into motion:

Routine:
1. The woman buys the food.

2. The woman makes a salad, prepares vegetables, and makes dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill - drink in hand.


Here comes the important part:
4. THE.....MAN.....PLACES.. ...THE.....MEAT.....ON.....THE.....GRILL.

More routine:
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks
her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with the
situation.

Important again:
7.THE.....MAN.....TAKES.....THE.....MEAT.....OFF.....THE.....GRILL.....AND..
.HANDS.....IT.....TO.....THE.....WOMAN.

More routine:

8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, >sauces
and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing
her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women!

Happy BBQ Season everyone!

May 6, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

A Brave Man:
Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

May 5, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

42 Weird Things You Would Never Know

1.) A shrimp's heart is in its head.

2.) The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

3.) Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

4.) Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

5.) If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969 make it illegal for U. S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

6.) In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

7.) A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

8.) 23% of all photocopier faults world-wide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.

9.) Most lipstick contains fish scales

10.) Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

11.) If you sneeze too hard you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force they can pop out.

12.) In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single ca se where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

13.) It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

14.) A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

15.) More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

16.) Horses can't vomit.

17.) Butterflies taste with their feet.

18.) In 10 minutes, a category three hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

19.) On average 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

20.) On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

21.) Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

22.) Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

23.) Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

24.) Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

25.) It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

26.) Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

27.) It is physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

28.) The Main Library at Indiana University sinks ov er an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

29.) A snail can sleep for three years.

30.) No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

31.) Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

32.) The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

33.) All polar bears are left handed.

34.) In ancient Egypt , priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

35.) An ostrich' s eye is bigger than its brain.

36.) TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

37.) "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

38.) If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand 7 feet, 2 inches tall.

39.) A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

40.) The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

41.) Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

42.) Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.

May 4, 2009

Today's Daily Joke:

Creation Explained:
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Kreme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries and a shake with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

May 2, 2009

Daily Funny Jokes

There will be a daily funny joke posted here starting on Monday.

Be prepared to Laugh Your Ass Off ...