September 30, 2009

New Joks of the Day


Janey was walking down North Main Street in Danville.
As she walked past the delicatessen, she glanced into the shop window.
There, nestled in amongst the salami, was a sign proclaiming "Fresh from Warsaw-World's Largest Sausage."
Hanging on a large hook above it, was the most enormous sausage she had ever seen.
It must've been at least eight inches in diameter, and two feet long.
"That's a two-man zeppelin, not a sausage," she thought. "Oh well, I'll try anything once."
So she walked into the shop, heaved the 20 lb. monster down off the hook and, plunking it down on the counter, presented it to the shopkeeper, who immediately wrestled it onto the machine and started slicing it up.
"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" cried Janey in dismay.
"What do you think I am? A slot machine?"

September 29, 2009

New Joks of the Day

The Old Doctor:

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out in the countryside there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old boy.
The doctor instructed the little boy to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The boy did so.
The mother pushed; and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
The little boy responded, "Spank his ass again. He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place."

September 28, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Rich But Stupid:

There was this rich blonde girl, who went to the nearest Mercedes showroom with her father’s credit card, and came out with the latest model. 

Half an hour later she was back at the showroom, claiming that the car they sold her was terrible, that she was disappointed a brand-new Mercedes Benz would get a fault in the gearbox 15 minutes after driving it.
The management apologized and gave her a new car.

Again, after half an hour she came back.
The management offered her another new car, but sent along one of their engineers to see if he could figure out what the problem was.
She put in the first gear... sped up... put in second... third... fourth... fifth....
“And now,” she said, “for the rocket,” and threw it in reverse.

September 25, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Reasons For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us:

15. A little too much self-enjoyment while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.

14. Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all." 

13. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego Blocks. 

12. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stock Boy" display.

11. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer and diesel fuel. 

10. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" editions.

9. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling. 

8. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct. 

7. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again. 

6. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe. 

5. Jaws of Life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.

4. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Playdoh."

3. Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.

2. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Elmo in a gay leather bar. 

1. Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid - I'm on a break."

September 24, 2009

New Joks of the Day

A Viagra Question:

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.

She asked: "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take three," he answered.

September 23, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Microsoft and Harley Davidson to Merge:

The Board of Directors of the Microsoft Corporation, the world's largest computer software provider, and the Harley-Davidson Motor Company, America's largest manufacturer of heavyweight motorcycles, have voted to approve a merger that will create one of the world's largest but strangest multinational corporations.

"When you think about it, it only makes sense," said Harley-Davidson Director of Communications. "We both share the same fundamental design philosophies: Our products are large, antiquated, slow, full of bugs and break down at the most unexpected moments. We like to think of this as a natural marriage as synergy."

The new company will be known as Micro-Davidson and based neither in Redmond, Washington nor Milwaukee, Wisconsin but somewhere in between. Company representatives have been scouting sites along the Wyoming/South Dakota borders. Instead of moving to an existing township, the cash-rich conglomerate plans to build its own. Micro-Davidson reps denied a rumor that they plan to petition Congress for statehood, but told Motorcycle Online that buying a few counties is not out of the question.

Micro-Davidson will trade simultaneously on both the NYSE and Nasdaq stock exchanges under the symbol WERULE. Financial details of the merger have not been made public but it is expected to be a stock for stock exchange.
Currently in the works is an entirely new motorcycle model, the first from the new M-D to be named the MicroHog. The new cruiser will be powered by a brand new engine, the Twin Cam 95.1 an air-cooled, push rod V-Twin containing an Intel Pentium IV processor that will automatically load Internet Explorer upon thumbing the starter button and overwrite all competing browsers while disabling most non-genuine Harley-Davidson parts.

Following Microsoft's example, MicroHogs will not be owned outright by the purchaser, but rather licensed for personal use. Upgrades will be available, the price of which depends on the market.

M-D's software side will receive some pointers from the former Motor Company as well. "Instead of that soft, shrill squeak you hear when you boot your computer or open a new program, you will now hear a loud rumble and your keyboard will vibrate," said a rep from Harley.

For more information, please contact The Hells Angels Public Relations Spokesperson or the nearest geek with a moped.

//// If you believed this posting you need to seek out a competent psychiatrist who rides a Yamaha and consults to Apple Computers. \\\\\

September 22, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Vaseline Research:

A man doing market research knocks on a door and is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

The man says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Have you ever used the product?"

The woman replies, "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
 inquires the man.
"We use it for sex." says then woman.

Taken aback, the researcher says, "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire your honesty. Since you've been so honest, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

September 21, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Worker Excuse Fails:

Surprisingly, my boss refuses to accept 'the early bird catches the worm' as a valid excuse for leaving work every day at 2:00 pm.

September 18, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Perfect Exercise Program:

Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this year.
You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become
more proficient.
It may be too strenuous for some.



That's enough for the first day!

September 17, 2009

New Joks of the Day


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

 asks the man.
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, the vet says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

 asks the bewildered man.

"No, because he's really heavy." answers the vet!

September 16, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Moose Call:

Every winter two hunters went moose hunting without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.
They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull moose, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

September 15, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Woman’s Body:

A woman’s body has five rooms ....
Her FACE – the Showroom
Her BOOBS – the Playroom
Her TUMMY – the Store Room
Her VAGINA – the Men's Room
Her ANUS – the Emergency Room

emailed to me last night by: Jack

September 14, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Mother Superior:

Mother Superior called a young novice into her office one evening.
Now dear, I want you to give the Father his nightly bath. You are to do as he tells you and be sure to report to me in the morning, she said.
The novice agreed to do as she was told and went to prepare the Priest bath.
Doing as she was told, the novice washed the Father's hair and back. While she was doing this, the Father told the novice that he had the key to heaven. The Father told her that if his key to heaven fit her gate, she would be saved.

The next morning the novice entered Mother Superior's office. 

So how did it go last night dear? He didn't try anything on you, did he? she asked. 

Oh, Mother, it was wonderful! I did exactly as you told me to and when I was giving him his bath he told me he has the KEY TO HEAVEN!
I was amazed, and he went on to tell me that if his key fit my gate, I would be saved. And Mother, his key FIT my gate! And it was the most beautiful thing in the world! 

And the Mother Superior replied, Damn that man! He told me it was Gabriel's horn and I've been blowing it for the past 40 years!

September 13, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Old and Lonely:

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed 
a pet to keep her company.
So off to the pet shop she went.

She searched and searched but nothing seemed to catch her  interest, except this ugly frog.
As she walked by the jar the frog was in, she looked and 
he winked at her.

The frog whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you wont be sorry." 

The old lady figured, what the heck, she hadn't found anything else she wanted for a pet.

She bought the frog and put him in the car.

While driving down the road the frog whispered to her "Kiss me and you wont be sorry."

So the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog. 

Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince. 

The prince then kissed the old lady back, and guess what the old lady turned into????

Well come on guess.

She turned into the nearest motel because she's old and lonely not dead!

September 11, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Mother and Sex:

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. 
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status she hurriedly consulted the family doctor. 

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
The doctor then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control pills, and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. 

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan."

September 10, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Is Windows a virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:

1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system -- okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2 above) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So, therefore, in conclusion Windows is not a virus.

September 9, 2009

New Joks of the Day

The Vibrating Husband:

As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a 
strange buzzing noise coming from within.
Opening the door, she observed
 her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this
 thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
 leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other
 side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he observed his
 daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm
 thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll 
ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the
 groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that same buzzing noise coming
 from, of all places, the family room.
She entered that area and observed
 her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next
 to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

 The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

September 8, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Appearance Insults:

Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Like a death at a birthday party, you ruin all the fun...

He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard.

She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight potbelly.

She loves 'NATURE' - In spite of what it did to her.

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder? 

When she comes into a room, the mice jump on chairs.

I don't want you to turn the other cheek - it's just as ugly.

Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday.

See, that's what's meant by dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's somewhat handsome.

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission! 

September 5, 2009

New Joks of the Day

The Old Widow:

Two old widows named Sue and Lou get married.
They are up there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick.
They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding night.

After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel.
Both are very nervous.
Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other.
In the process, Sue, the old woman, removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass.

 Then she removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall. She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and Lou is intently watching as Sue continues.
Sue removes her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand.

Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and Lou continues to stare in an interested manner.

As Sue takes off her wig, she realizes that Lou is not making much progress in getting undressed.
He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her.

She asks him, "What are you waiting for?"

Lou quickly replies, "You know what I want. Now take it off and throw it over here!”

September 4, 2009

New Joks of the Day

The Difference between Dogs and Cats:

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
I must be a GOD!

September 3, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Worried Woman Sees Doctor:

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time.
She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate.
In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor.
Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang. 
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and he said,
"Take off all your grothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor." 
She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said,
" crawl real fass back to me," and she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease, uh in fact worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem." 

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was.
Dr. replied, "Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!"

September 2, 2009

New Joks of the Day


Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking in the woods, 
when all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a 
small cave.

Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answer, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?

"No," said the Indian.
"It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.
If they get an
answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave.
The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was an answer "Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave.

He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he
came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the 
huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is 
bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
 "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, 
and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! 

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....

(Get ready, this will kill ya) ......


September 1, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Filler Up:

A lady was filling her fuel tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to.
The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands and one arm
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put the fire out, but she just kept running and screaming.
All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her.
This took everyone by surprise.
The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."