November 22, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Plane Trip:

A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the 
stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights
 will go 
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said 
to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" 

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me 
ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The 
same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a 
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you 
suppose that is?" 

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to 
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

November 21, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Just Won’t Work:

An old man was watching a kid play fireman outside when he noticed something odd.
The old man walked outside and noticed that the kid was sitting in a red wagon with his fireman's hat on and a sting hooked from the wagon handle to the dogs balls.
The old man said "You know son, it would probably be better if you tied that string around the dog's neck."
The boy replied, "I tried that, but the siren won't work that way."

November 19, 2010

Today's Daily Joke


If it’s got wheels or tits you’re gonna have trouble with it sooner or later.

November 18, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Old Penny:

An old penny pincher had no friends.
Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at his bedside.

"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said.
"I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000."

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave.
On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000."
The doctor then said, "I must confess as well. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."

The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…"

November 17, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Mafia Watch:

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
Grandson I wanta you to listen to me.
I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me.
But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. 

You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man.
Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?

November 16, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Matrimonial Proposal:

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

November 15, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Out of Gas:

Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas.
They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan.
The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car.
As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by.
He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help but admire your faith!"

November 12, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Lettuce And Tomato:

This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school; unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is age 6.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembering that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper, "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.
"Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce," it sounds.
Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonnaise all over my face."

November 11, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

An Illinois Man:

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. 
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. 

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: 

Dearest Wife, 
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. 

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

November 10, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

About Woman:

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free, you either married it or gave birth to it.

Insanity is a woman's only means of relaxation.

November 9, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Lucky Number:

There was a guy whose lucky number was five.
He was born on May 5, 1955.
He graduated 5th in his class, got a job with the 5th company he applied to and soon became the 5th highest executive, married the 5th girl he dated, had 5 children, and always shot a five under at golf.
He had a mistress who wore a size 5 dress.
One day he was at the racetrack, and saw that at 5:00 PM in the fifth race in lane number 5 was a five-year-old stallion named "Numero Cinco."
Seeing this as a sign, he goes to the fifth betting window and bets $55,555 on the horse.
He goes to the fifth row in the stands to watch the race.
The horse came in fifth.

November 8, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Lawyer’s Dog:

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer:
$100 due for a consultation.

November 5, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Rabbi:

There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby.
So the Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children this started to get expensive, so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation.
As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering.
Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd.
"Having children is an act of God," he said.
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

November 4, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Doctor Joke # 51:

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?"
 he asked.
"I was in bed."
 she replied.
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
 he demabed to know.
"Getting a second opinion." she laughed.
Thinking fast, he replied, "I did that with two young nurses this morning."

November 3, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Down Yesterday:

A rescue team finds a crashed airplane.
The lone survivor is chewing on a bone, with a huge pile of human bones next to him, and the rescuers are in shock.
The lone survivor says, “You cant judge me for this. I had to survive.”
The leader of the rescue team says, “But you idiot, your airplane only went down yesterday.”

November 2, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Do You Know:

I know my sexuality, but I get so confused by other people's. 

I don't even know the difference between transvestites and 
transsexuals. As I understand it, transvestites are the 
ones that grow down from the ceiling and transsexuals are the 
ones that grow up.

November 1, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Do You Know Who’s In Your Office?

A young businessman had just started his own firm.
He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. 

He saw a man come into the outer office.
Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" 

"Yeah, I've came to activate your phone lines."