October 29, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Dixie Pride:

A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites. 
"Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees. 
Over there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks. 
Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers."

A tourist says, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?" 

"Yes ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus."

October 28, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Divorcing After 45 Years:

An elderly man calls his son and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do one damn thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and
paying for their own air fares ... Now what do we do for Christmas?"

October 27, 2010

Today's Daily Joke


A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. 

"Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so", the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued.

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition? This prescription is marked NO REFILLS!"

October 26, 2010

Today's Daily Joke


An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling?
"I've never felt better," he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidently grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near the creek, and suddenly he spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM! The beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot the beaver!"
"Bingo!" says the doctor.

October 25, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Disaster in Mexico:

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit
150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. 
country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start
with providing help to rebuild. 

The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help
the Mexican army control the riots.
The European community is sending
food and money. 

The United States of America is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.

October 22, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Dilbert's Salary Theorem:

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and especially liberal arts majors."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two well known postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. 

Postulate 2: Time is Money. 
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time.
Since: Knowledge = Power, 
then Knowledge = Work / Time, 
and Time = Money, 
then Knowledge = Work / Money.
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

October 21, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Differences, Part 2:

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

October 20, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Differences Between Bosses and Employees:

When you take a long time, you're slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy. 

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. 

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping 
your authority.

When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. 

When your boss does it, he's being firm. 

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. 

When you please your boss, you're brown-nosing. 

When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. 

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. 

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a 
drunken bum. 

When your boss does the same, he appreciates women. 

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. 

When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. 

When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's 

When you ask a question at a meeting you're not being a team player.
When you're boss tells you have it is at a meeting he is being a team leader. 

October 19, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Did You Ever Notice:

When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

October 18, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Talking Dog:

A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog.
"This is a talking 
dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars." 

The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this 
talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal." 

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy 
me, sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a 
meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to 
be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I 
was in the army and was decorated ten times." 

"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell 
him for just five dollars?" 

"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

October 15, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Penis?

* My Penis ate my homework.

* Oh, no! My Penis is frothing at the mouth! 

* Sorry I'm late. I was playing with my Penis. 

* I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep my Penis on a leash. 

* My Penis doesn't come when I call it.

* My Penis likes to crawl between the legs of guests. 

* I love giving my Penis a bath. 

* At night, I sleep with my Penis in my hands. 

* My Penis likes it when people pet him. 

* My Penis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.

* Playing with my Penis really wears me out. 

* Would you like to see a picture of my Penis?

* Sometimes I wake up, and my Penis is already active. 

* I think my Penis has a mind of its own. 

* I keep a picture of my Penis in my wallet. 

* Whenever I get lost, my Penis points me in the right direction.

* I think my Penis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead. 

* My Penis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.

* If my Penis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.

* My Penis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.

* Help! I can't find my Penis! 

* Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for my Penis.

* My Penis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.

* Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take my Penis to the hospital.

* Oh. no! Something bit my Penis!

* Watch it or you'll step on my Penis. 

* Stop kicking my Penis.

* My Penis is truly man's best friend. 

* Beware of my Penis. He's carrying a disease. 

* People say my Penis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention. 

* My Penis: the crotch-sniffer.

* There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for my Penis.

* I've trained my Penis to jump through hoops. 

* My Penis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table. 

* Excuse me, I need a muzzle for my Penis. 

* Sorry I'm late, but my Penis kept me up howling all night.
* I got arrested because my penis ate the pussy next door.

October 14, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Dentist Talk:

Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams?"

Patient: "Why, Doc? I didn't feel a thing!"

Dentist: "Yes, I know, but there are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the five o'clock football game."

October 13, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Breakfast Special:

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. 

"But I don't want the eggs." 

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.

"YES!!" said the waitress.

"I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.

Moral of story - DON'T MESS WITH US SENIORS. We've been around the block more than once.

October 11, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Blind Man:

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill.
The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind.
The blind man replied he would do it by smell.
The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.
The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"
The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."
"Correct, says the manager, now try this one."
"That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.
"Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.
"I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?"
The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.
The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's from an outhouse door."

October 8, 2010

Today's Daily Joke


A prominent Canadian doctor was visiting an American hospital.
During his tour of the floors, he passed a room where a male patient was openly and vigorously masturbating.
"My GOD," said the visiting MD, "that's disgraceful. What is the meaning of this?"
The local doctor that was leading the tour explained; "I'm afraid this man was diagnosed with a very unusual, yet serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't relieve himself in this manner at least five times a day, he has to endure incredible pain and the potential rupture of his testicles."
"Oh, yes, yes, of course," replied the visiting doctor, as if he were quite familiar with the condition.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a male patient a blow job.
"GOOD GOD!" exclaimed the Doctor, "How do you explain this?"
The American doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."

October 7, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Before You Leave:

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?'
"And so, here we are!"

October 6, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Be a Frog:

A Newfie was rowing a boat and as he rowed he sung an English tune.
Suddenly a UFO swooped down and hovered over him. The alien pilot wondered what would happen if he destroyed a quarter of the Newfie's brain with a special ray.
The result was that the Newfie continued to sing only much
Now the alien became intrigued and decided to destroy half of the Newfie's brain. The result was that the Newfie continued to sing his English song only very slowly.
Getting upset the alien decided to destroy three quarters of the Newfie's brain, still the Newfie sung his English song but extremely slow.
Finally the alien became angry and totally destroyed the Newfie's brain, with the result that the Newfie began to sing in French!

October 5, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Black Parrot:

A black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.

"Wow," says the Bartender. "That bird is really something."

The Black Guy says, "Yep, and he talks too!"

The Bartender says, "Where'd you get him?"

The Parrot replies, 


October 4, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

At the Bar:

Jim and Ted were in a bar. 

Jim tells Ted, "Hey guess what, I fucked this girl up the ass last night!" 

Ted replies, "wow, no shit!" 

Jim answers, "Well, maybe a little bit..."
Ted pauses for a moment and says, “What do you do at work?”
Jim answers, “Ted, you know I am a meat packer.”
Ted replies, “Well now you’re a shit packer.”

October 1, 2010

Today's Daily Joke


An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he's captured by cannibals.
The eclipse is due the next day around noon.
To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in he few words of the cannibals' primative tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.
The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal".
"Great", the astronomer replies.
The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."