March 31, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

In The Old London Pub:

These three lads are drinking in a pub when this guy comes in and starts drinking at the bar.
After a while the guy goes up to the group of young fellas, points at the one in the middle and says, in a drunken slur, "I've shagged your Mum."
The three lads look bewildered and the bloke goes back to drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your Mum has sucked my penis."
The three lads try and ignore him and he goes back to the bar.
After another ten minutes he comes back and shouts, "I've had your Mum up the ass."
By now the lads have had enough and the one in the middle stands up and says, "Look, Dad, you're pissy ass drunk. Now fuck off and go home."

March 30, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Two Boys:

Two little boys, both aged nine, were set to appear in their first play.
The first boy had to say, "Ah fair maiden, I've come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."
The second little boy was to say, "Hark! A pistol shot!"
On opening night, the two boys were very nervous. It was their first time on stage and their parents were in the front row.
The first little boy came out and said, "Ah fair maiden, I've come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap."
The second little boy was so shook after the first kid goofed up, when he came out on stage he said, "Hark! A pistol shit! A shistel pit! Cow shit! Bull shit! I didn't want to be in your damn play anyway!"

March 29, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Sunburn:


A man fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs.
He was taken to the hospital.
His skin had turned 
a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister.
Anything 
that touched his legs caused him agony.
The doctor prescribed continued 
intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and 
Viagra.
Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra 
do him in that condition?"
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his 
legs."

March 26, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Stupid:

One day two stupid hicks were driving down the road, drinking beer.
The passenger Bubba said, lookey thar up ahead, Earl. It'sa po-leece road block! We're gonna get busted for drinking these here beers.
Don't worry Bubba, Earl said, We'll just pull over finish drinking these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat.
What fer? asked Bubba.
Just let me do the talkin, okay, Earl advised.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the road block, the sheriff said, Have you boys been drinking?
No sir, said Earl. We're on the patch.

March 25, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Odd Laws Still on the Books in Arizona:

A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.

It is illegal to take naked photographs before noon on Sunday.

It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.

Oral sex is considered to be sodomy.

There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.

You may not have more than two dildos in a house.

Glendale: Cars may not be driven in reverse.

Maricopa County: No more than six girls may live in any house.

Mesa: It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liquor license.

Mohave County: A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.

Nogales: A city ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.

Tucson: Women may not wear pants.

March 24, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Nurse Joke #5:

The Thermometer-

Q) What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
A) Some asshole has my pen!

Q) 

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

A) The taste.



Q) Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?
A) 
She was taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.

March 23, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Mistake:

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted sexual release.
He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute.
He was told to go to 225 West 42nd Street.
By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd Street, the office of a podiatrist.
Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him.
She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.


He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered.
Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.
"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."
"Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about a few inches then I'll take my business elsewhere."

March 22, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Lawyer’s Wife:

A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled
to see that the tombstone reads:

"Here lies Shirley, wife of Morris Rosen, L. L. D., Wills,
Divorce, Malpractice, and Immigration Legal Services"

Suddenly, Morris bursts into tears. His brother says, "You
SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on Shirley's
tombstone!"

Through his tears, Morris sobs, "You don't understand! They
left out the phone number!"

March 19, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Jake:

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side.
Sleep now, its all right, he told her.

But she kept trying to sit up and said, Honey, I really need to tell you something.
Finally Jake let her get it off her chest.

Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father.
Don't worry about it, Jake said, I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?

March 18, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

International Dating Etiquette:




CAUCASIAN WOMAN from the UK-

First Date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope her all over and make out. 

Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.

CAUCASIAN WOMAN from the America-

First Date: You get a blowjob.

Second date: You get to give her anal sex. 

Third date: You're arrested because she's underage. 


 




BLACK WOMAN-

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. 

Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. 

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you! 




IRISH WOMAN-

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 




ITALIAN WOMAN-

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. 

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex. 

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend. 




JEWISH WOMAN-

First Date: You get dynamite head.

Second Date: You get more great head. 

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and she never gives you head again.




MIDDLE EASTERN WOMAN-

First Date: You fill out the mandatory family questionnaire listing all your assets. 

Second Date: You go out to the park with her and her whole family comes along. 

Third Date: She claims she's a virgin and refuses to have sex with you. 

Fourth Date: She makes up for the past ten years of sexual deprivation in one night. You're rushed to a hospital from exhaustion.

LATIN WOMAN-

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on wine, have sex in the back of your car.

Second Date: She is pregnant. 

Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.




POLISH WOMAN

-
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address.

Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home. 

Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if it’s hers. 




KOREAN WOMAN
-
First Date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second Date: You buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens again.

Third Date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.




INDIAN WOMAN
-
First Date: Meet her parents.

Second Date: She shaves her legs. 

Third Date: Set the date of the wedding.
Fourth Date: Wedding night.

March 17, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Two Irish Lads:

Quinlan and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro dollar.


Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.


Quinlan said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"


Murphy replied, "Don't worry just follow me."


He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.


Quinlan said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!"


Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.


Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your 
knees and put it in your mouth."


The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. 

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
 free.


At the tenth pub Quinlan said, "Murphy I don't think I can do any more o'this, I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"


Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage back at the third pub."

March 16, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Sunday School:

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to learn one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.
The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny.
"Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us, and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

March 15, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Traveling Salesman:

A traveling salesman was out in the country one evening and wasn't sure how to get back to the main highway.
He came upon a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. 

"Sure," said the farmer. "I've got some beans and cornbread on the stove, but I've only got one bed, so you'll have to sleep with me."

The salesman was very grateful.
So they had dinner and went to bed early.
The salesman was used to keeping late hours and couldn't get to sleep.
His tossing and turning was keeping the farmer awake so the farmer finally suggested they play football.
The salesman didn't understand. 

"Here's how it works," said the farmer.
"Every time you fart, it's a touchdown."
The salesman thought it sounded fun, and they started playing.
The salesman took an immediate lead, with the farmer struggling to squeeze even one out.
Finally he felt one coming on and he strained and grunted and strained and grunted and let a big wet one rip all over his side of the bed. 

"What'll we do now?" exclaimed the salesman. 

"Halftime, switch sides, said the farmer."

March 12, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Cow:

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Mansfield, Ohio, for $200.00.
They bought the cow from Ohio and the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.
They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Ohio?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Ohio?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Ohio."

March 11, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Another Little Johnny Joke:

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom.

Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.


Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin dad?"


His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."


To which Little Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"

March 10, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Alternate Meanings
:

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which
 they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.
The
 following were some of the winning entries:
 


1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.


2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
 gained.


3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
 stomach.


4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.


5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent


6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
 absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.


7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.


8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.


9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after
 you are run over by a steamroller.


10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.


11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.


12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
 proctologist immediately before he examines you.


13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
 Yiddish expressions.


14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.


15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your
 soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.


16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist

March 9, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Affairs:

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

March 8, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Black Testicles:



A male patient is lying in bed at the local hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, 
four hour surgical procedure.
 

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.


"Nurse" he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"


Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir I'm only 
here to wash your upper body and feet."


He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
 

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
 
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
 the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and
 says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
 

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:
 

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely
 

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

March 5, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Blind As A Cop:



Returning home from work, a blond was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blond ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
 Putting her face in her hands, she moaned:
"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

March 4, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Bill and Marla:

Bill and Marla decided the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. 

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making love."

Mom and Dad bolted upright in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked. 

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too," his son replied.

March 3, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Biology:

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Teacher!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, teacher, the other day I was playing with my cat on the veranda. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

March 2, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Being Difficult:
Another true story....

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering al la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. They came as ordered, she took the two eggs home.

March 1, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Bad Breath:

This guy went to the doctor because he was having a terrible problem with bad breath.
He told the doctor he had tried 10 different toothpastes, mouthwashes, breath mints, the works, but he just can't get rid of this bad breath.

After extensive testing the doctor came into the examining room and said, "I think I've found your problem. You're either going to have to quit biting your fingernails, or quit scratching your butt!"