August 30, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

Lizard Birthing:

Note - True stories are always funnier.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened-

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something is wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I am serious Dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom.

One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "Come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," My wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her,
(in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.

"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.

It disappeared.

I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young.)

I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?"

I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its. its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car.

He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie ... Priceless

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

August 29, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

The Minister:

One Sunday morning, the minister noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the minister walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Preacher," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Preacher, what is this?"
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service, the 8:15 or the 10:30? 

August 28, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

First Day of School:

It was the first day of school and a new student named 

Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American 

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a

 sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.

Very good!
Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for 

the people, shall not perish from the earth"?
Again, no response 

except from Suzuki.

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.

 Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about our history

 than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,

 1992 - incidentally after announcing the launch of US-AEP in


Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the


 "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If

 you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to

 Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher 

on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble and Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001."

August 27, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

Statues in the Park:

There are two statues in a park ....
One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.  
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." 

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. 
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. 
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. 

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care 
to do it again?"

He asks her, "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's!
But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you 
shit on its head." 


August 26, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

As The Boy Scouts Say Be Prepared:

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for
expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and
stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months.
After 9 months, take out 10 percent of the beans.

Men: To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip
the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the
pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it. It'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5 PM to 10 PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10 PM put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 AM. Put the alarm on for 3 AM. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 AM and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 AM. Get up again at 3 AM when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 AM. Put the alarm on for 5 AM. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear
peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide
a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first
buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of
paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the sports car and buy a minivan. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an
hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back
in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest
thing you can find to a pre-school child a fully grown goat
is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take
more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting
the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat
or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even
contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend
it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get
a bowl of soggy Fruit Loops and attempt to spoon it into the
swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until
half of the Fruit Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap,
making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now
ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me," at work, NOW you finally qualify as a parent!

August 25, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

The Runner


A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at 
One wet
 and gusty day she was is in bed with her boyfriend when, to her 
horror, she
 hears her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God!" she yells to her lover. "Hurry!  Grab your clothes 
and jump
 out the window.  My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window!" comes the strangled reply from 
beneath the 
sheets "It's pouring rain out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" She 
 got a very quick and nasty temper, and a very large gun! The rain is the 
least of your

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, tucks his clothes beneath 
his arm and
 jumps out the window! 

As he begins running down the street in the pouring rain, he 
discovers that he has run right into the middle of the town's 

 So he starts running along side the others, about 300 of 
 naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he unsuccessfully 
tries his
 best to "blend in.

After a little while, a small group of runners who have been 
studying him
 with some curiosity, jog closer. 
"Do you always run in the 
nude?" one asks.

"Oh yes" he replies, gasping. It feels so wonderfully free 
having the air
 blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moves alongside. 
"Do you always run carrying 
your clothes
 under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" he answers breathlessly. 
"That way I can get 
 right at the end of the run and get into my car and go home!"

A third runner casts his eyes a little lower and queries, "Do 
you always 
wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining!" says the runner.

August 24, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

European Train Ride:

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a Frenchman, an American, a British old lady, and a beautiful young Scandinavian blond.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blond in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blond thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Frenchman thinks: The American must have groped the blond in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The American thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack the Frenchman again.

August 22, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

Quotes about Beer:

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel
ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
** Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
** Frank Sinatra

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
** Ernest Hemingway

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
thank her.
** W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
** Henny Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
** Stephen Wright

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
** Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine does not go nearly as well with pizza.
** Dave Barry

August 21, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

A Woman's 10 Commandments of Love:

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.

II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back.

III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.

IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too weird.

V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tacky and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee.

VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what's good for thee.

VII. Thou shalt not steal from my purse while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my cellphone.

VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.

IX. Thou shalt not nag.

X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze.

August 20, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

Proof Men Are Stupid:

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.
They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

August 19, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

Just How Dumb is She?:

A blond was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. 

The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?" 

The blond said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!" 

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"

August 18, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

Ugly Blonde:

An ugly blonde with a fantastic body walks into a bar and asks for a Budweiser. She drinks four or five straight down and gets so drunk she passes out and falls off her bar stool.
Only the bartender and a couple of guys are in the bar, they pick her, bend her over the pool table and have their way with her.
Next two days she comes in, drinks her beer, gets drunk, passes out, and is bent over the pool table.
Next night she comes in and the bartender puts a Bud on the bar in front of her.
She says, "No thanks, Bud Beers make my pussy hurt."

Moral of Story: Men will fuck an ugly woman if they have a great body. Drunken men will fuck anything!

August 17, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next

August 14, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

The Painter:

There was a painter called Scott, who was very interested in making a fast buck where he could; so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time; but eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of one their biggest churches. Scott put in a bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job.
And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles, setting up the planks, buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Scott was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thinned out paint all over the church, and knocking Scott off the scaffold so far he was out on the lawn near the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Scott the fool knew this was a judgment from the Almighty himself, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke:
"Repaint! Repaint, and thin no more!"

August 13, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

College Girls:

An old man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish.
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: Are you kidding me, I'm telling every damn body!

August 12, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

Shut Up:

A guy married a woman but had problems.
Unfortunately, his penis was too small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his penis.
For seven year's he had been using a big fat pickle.
One night his wife suspected that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw off the covers and turned on the lights!
The wife said, "What the hell is that you are using, a pickle inside me?
I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you worthless piece of shit."
So the husband said, "Shut the hell up you bitch! It's been seven years and I never asked you where the those damn bastard 4 kids came from!"

August 11, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

Eating Out:

An Italian guy and a Jewish guy went out to dinner one night.
They went to a very expensive restaurant, they were there for a couple of hours, talking and carrying on.
Finally, the waiter came over and asked, "Who should I give the check to?"
The Italian guy said, "Give it to me. I'll take care of everything."
"Fine," said the waiter.
The next day the headlines read: "Jewish Ventriloquist Strangled to Death."

August 10, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

Want Too Play A Game:

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. 

The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. 

The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. 

The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." 

Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. 

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" 

Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game.

The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn.
He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" 

The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50.
The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep. 

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" 

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, smiles turns away and goes back to sleep.

August 8, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

The Red Spot:

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads, and we have naively thought it had something to do with their religion. The true story has just been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington. 
When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, or a motel in Florida.
I know.... that was insensitive and politically incorrect.

Then again, so is this one:
Two families move from India to America.
When they arrive, the fathers make each other a bet in a year's time, whichever family has become more American will win the prize. 
A year later when they meet again, the first guy says, "My son's playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud for tonight. 
How about you?" 
The second guy says, "Screw you, towel-head!"

August 7, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

Dr. Joke #34:

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eying each other.
The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts.
As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.
Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands.
Once she comes back they go for it.
After an intense sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon?”
She confirms and asks how he knew. 

"Easy, you're always washing your hands."

She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."

Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"

Female doctor: "I didn't feel a damn thing.”

August 6, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

Teaching Him To Dance:

A little prospector wearing clean new shoes walked into a 

A big Texan standing at the bar said to his friend, "Watch me 
make this dude dance." 

He walked over to the prospector and said, "You're a foreigner, 
aren't you? From the East?" 

"You might say that," said the prospector, "I'm from Boston 
and I'm here prospecting for gold." 

"Now tell me something," said the Texan, "can you dance?" 


said the prospector.
"Well I'm going to teach you," said the Texan.
And with that the 
Texan took out his gun and started shooting at the prospector's 
Hopping, skipping, and jumping the little prospector made it to 
the door shaking like a leaf. 

About an hour later the Texan left the saloon.
As soon as he 
stepped outside the door he heard a click.
He looked around 
and there, four feet from his head was the biggest shotgun he had 
ever seen. 

The little prospector said, "Mr. Texan, have you ever kissed a 
horse's ass?"

"No," said the quick thinking Texan, "but I've always wanted to."

August 5, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

You Have To Wait:

This couple meet in a bar.
They really hit it off so they go back to her place to have wild passionate sex. After they have finished he lies back with a big smug look on his face and says, "I guess that was just about the best sex you have ever had." 

"What makes you say that?" the woman inquires.

"Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made your toes curl up," he replies.

"Oh," says the woman, "That was just because most men wait to I take off my pantyhose first."

August 4, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

Airport Arrest:

NEW YORK NY, USA - A public school teacher was arrested just after 911 at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzalez said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of an absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President George W. Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction he, would have given us more fingers and toes."

Don't you feel safer now?

August 3, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

Custer's Last Stand:

A man went into an artist’s studio and asked if he could have a rendition of what Custer was thinking at his last stand.
The artist replied he would notify the man when the picture was finished.
Two weeks passed and the man received a call from the artist saying his picture was ready.
The man hurried to the studio and was amazed and somewhat confused by the picture.
He stared at a cow with a large halo on his head surrounded by hundreds of Indians making love.
"This can't be right said the man I wanted a picture of Custer's Last Stand!"
The artist replied, "This is exactly what Custer thought just before he died."
"What do you mean said the man?"
"Well" said the artist, "Custer was thinking, HOLY COW, Where did all these fucking Indians come from?!"

August 2, 2009

Funny Joke of the Day

Everything I Need to Know I Learned from my Dog:

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Thrive on affection and let people touch you - enjoy back rubs and pats on your neck.

When you leave your yard, make it an adventure.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout - run right back and make friends.

Bond with your pack.

On cold nights, curl up in front of a crackling fire.

When you're excited, speak up.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Enjoy it doggie style.