January 29, 2010

Daily Joke

Sex Education:

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex education to her class.
She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"

And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."

January 28, 2010

Daily Joke

Sex Pills:

A discussion in the doctor's office:
"Doc, me and my husband haven't been having good sex lately.
What should I do?" asked a mother of a daughter and son.
"Well, here. These are sex pills. Slip one into your husbands coffee every morning and you'll have great sex." He replied.
She took the pills and went home.
The next morning she put one of the pills into her husband's coffee.
That night they had great sex.
The next day, she figured it be even better if she put two in, so she did.
They had even better sex all night long.
The next day, she said "Oh what the hell," and dumped the whole bottle into her husband's coffee.
The next day the doctor came to the house to see how the pills were working and he saw a little boy sitting on the front steps crying.
"What's the matter, little boy?" The doctor asked.
"Well," the boy replied. "My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my bung-hole hurts, and my dad's running around the house saying 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty.'"

January 27, 2010

Daily Joke


A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice boobs.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very great and the wine selection is good.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

January 26, 2010

Daily Joke

So You Say:

God may have made man first, but there is always a rough draft before a final copy is made.

January 25, 2010

Daily Joke

Just Fred:

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing....

January 22, 2010

Daily Joke

Mercedes Benz Driving Test


1. Before changing lanes you should:
(A) signal.
(B) check.

(C) both a & b.
(D) just swing into the lane without doing either
a or b.

2. The top light on a traffic signal is:
(A) red.
(B) yellow.

(C) green.
(D) Who cares, it doesn't apply to me anyway.

3. The speed limit in a residential area is:
(A) 35 MPH.
(B) 25
(C) 45 MPH.
(D) I paid $65,000 for this car, I'll drive as
fast as I want.

4. In California, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you
(A) slow to a walking pace.
(B) go around the block.

(C) stop.
(D) speed up and honk your horn.

5. In the other 49 states, when a pedestrian enters a cross
walk, you should:
(A) maintain your speed.
(B) slow a little.

(C) slow a lot.
(D) speed up and don't bother honking your horn.

6. Your may make a left turn from the right lane:
(A) never.

(B) when there is a left turn arrow.
(C) on Sunday at 2 A.M.
When ever you damn well feel like it.

7. When a school bus has flashing red lights, you:
(A) must
(B) may pass on the left after checking.
(C) may pass after
slowing to 5 MPH.
(D) use your car phone to order Chinese food
while passing on the left.

8. When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you should:

(A) pull to the right and stop.
(B) pull into the nearest car
(C) roll down your windows.
(D) turn up the radio and ignore it.

9. You may make a U-turn in front of a fire station:
(A) never.

(B) when the doors are closed.
(C) if there are no police around.

(D) when you have missed your turn.

10. When approaching a traffic light where cars are stopped, you
(A) relax.
(B) watch the signal.
(C) stop a safe distance
back from the car in front.
(D) call your wife/secretary on your
car phone so everyone can see that your have a car phone.

11. When turning onto a side street, you should signal:
(A) two
blocks before turning.
(B) two car lengths before turning.

(C) two miles before turning.
(D) what for, if the guy behind me
hits me, I'll sue him.

12. A U-turn in a business district is legal:
(A) only at an
(B) always.
(C) never.
(D) if I pass a sale at the

13. Parking in a red-zone is permitted:
(A) never.
(B) on Sunday.

(C) if there is a fire hydrant.
(D) when I'll only be there for
five minutes.

14. What is your annual gross income:
(A) $10,000-20,000.

(B) $20,000-40,000.
(C) $40,000-80,000.
(D) $80,000 and up.


If you answered 'd' on every question, you have a perfect 

You are certified to drive a Mercedes Benz Automobile. You 
may, at your discretion, proceed to your nearest Mercedes Benz 
authorized distributor and select the Mercedes Benz Automobile 
of your choice.

If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions, you may
 request a retest after two weeks time.
Please study the Mercedes 
Benz motor vehicle guide in preparation for your retest.

If you answered a, b, or c on more than two questions, we're 
sorry, you just don't have the proper attitude to be a Mercedes 
Benz Automobile driver. Perhaps you should consider a BMW.

Thank you for your interest in Mercedes Benz Automobiles.   

January 21, 2010

Daily Joke

Why Older Women Are Better:

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" 

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse, but the younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him. 

An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, 
but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea. 

The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man 
gets, the weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended young 
guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men. 

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking
 like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of 
 younger women or drag queens. 

Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes. 

An older woman is into free sex!

An older woman is usually 
attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about 
committing to her.

The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy,
 whiny, dependent man. 

Older women are more honest.

An older woman will tell you that you are an 
asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in
 case it means you might break up with her. 

An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the 
two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you 
 will probably be the last to know... 

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when
 your teeth get knocked out playing hockey. 

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you! 

Older women take charge of the situation. 

An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman 
 will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call her. 

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take 

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas... 

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, 
because somehow they always know. 

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have
 acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a 

Older women know what Kegel exercises are. 

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger
 women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might
 possibly vomit later. 

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with 
 you in the middle of the night in a public park. 

Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 
beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to 
grasp this fact. 

An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them will want to screw you too. 

An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an
 amusement ride. 

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her 
youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

An older woman doesn't care what you think.

And, the best reason of all -
Older women have money, they will pay for the date, and you still get sex with NO fucking stings attached !!!

January 19, 2010

Daily Joke

Why Nagging a Man Doesn't Work:

What a Woman says:
'This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear, if we
don't do laundry right now!'

What a Man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

January 18, 2010

Daily Joke

Why Sex is Like a Roller Coster:

It goes like this, you get it on with your partner.
There is anxious anticipation as you start.
You start slowly, climbing your way to the top.
There are smiles exchanged, and giggles, maybe even caressing or hand holding.
The excitement builds and builds.
It nears the top.
The expressions on faces become wondrous and excited.
Then as it hits the pinnacle, things move very fast.
There's a quick motion, the heart races with complete excitement; faces are all in total pleasure.
Arms are flailing, heads are bouncing, and there is some noticeable screaming going on.
The rest of the ride is up and down, twisting and turning, lots of bumping, sometimes in the light, sometimes in the dark, sometimes there's a surprise, and sometimes it becomes all too familiar but always...always...at the end, there's a big smile on the face, the hair is all messed up and everyone is talking about how great it is while some of them say, "I wanna go again"...

January 15, 2010

Daily Joke

Why parents have gray hair: 

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an 
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a 
child's whispered, "Hello?" 

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster 
the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" 

"Yes", whispered the small voice. 

"May I talk with him?" the man asked. 

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." 

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" 

"Yes", came the answer. 

"May I talk with her?" 

Again the small voice whispered, "No". 

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home 
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who 
should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides 
you?" the boss asked the child. 

"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman". 

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss 
asked "May I speak with the policeman"? 

"No, he's busy", whispered the child. 

"Busy doing what?", asked the boss. 

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered 

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a 
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, What is 
that noise? "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. 

"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. 

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just 
landed the hello-copper".
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a 
little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for"? 

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: 

January 14, 2010

Daily Joke

Why Most Professions Are Dirty:

The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."

The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."

The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

January 13, 2010

Daily Joke

Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man:

A Christmas tree is always erect.
A Christmas tree has cute balls.

Even small ones give satisfaction.

A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.

A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.

A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.

A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.

You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by'

You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

January 12, 2010

Daily Joke

Why Men Aren’t Secretaries:

Husband's note on refrigerator for wife -

Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't even know you liked beer.

January 11, 2010

Daily Joke


Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, a bigot, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died!
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."

January 8, 2010

Daily Joke

Whore House Madam:

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly gentleman standing there.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
"No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that her charge was $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next evening he appeared again demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie and the madam explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts.... it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. And again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you the $3,000."

January 7, 2010

Daily Joke

Why Chemist Don't Write Cook Books

Chocolate Chip Cookies:


1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten

2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3

3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite

4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride

5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11

6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11

7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde

8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein

9.) 473.2 cm3 the obroma cacao

10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10) 

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat
transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two
and three with constant agitation. 

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100
rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is 

 To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the 
homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. 
Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation.
 Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature
rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. 

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture
piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm).
 Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & 
Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden

Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, 
allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

January 6, 2010

Daily Joke

Why English is so Difficult:

Have you ever wondered why the English language is so hard to master?

We polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

A farm can produce produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

The present is a good time to present the present.

At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance for the invalid was invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

January 5, 2010

Daily Joke

Why Eat The Aliens:
Aliens come here without an invitation.

They mutilate our cattle.
They probe human abductees by shoving probes up their rectum.
They perform other unspeakable acts upon unsuspecting earth inhabitants. 

There are a lot of them and they seem to be increasing in numbers.

They are Kosher.

Some say they ate Elvis.

They taste good if marinated with red wine and lots of garlic.

They fool around with the Space Shuttle, when the astronauts aren't looking.

Their meat is safer than British Beef.
You can't tell them from an undocumented illegal Mexican.

January 4, 2010

Daily Joke

You are no longer a student when: 
1. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep
2. Having sex in a single bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendencies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone at all.
5. You don't volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital.
6. You know all of the people sleeping in your house.
7. You hear your favorite song in the lift at work.
8. Informative TV does not include Richard and Judy.
9. The bank manager doesn't write threatening letters any more.
10. You carry an umbrella.
11. Seven-day benders are no longer realistic.
12. You don't go to Beer joint with all your friends.
13. You have standing orders and direct debits.
14. The heating works in your house.
15. Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and break-up.
16. You pay the government thousands of pounds every year.
17. You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.
18. Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
19. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
20. You get out of bed in the morning even if it's raining.
21. Washing up is not an annual ritual.
22. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
23. You don't know what time the kebab shop closes anymore.
24. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
25. You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonalds.
26. You don't get ideas for drinks from local tramps.
27. You don't put half-finished curries in the fridge to eat later.
28. You don't spend half your day strategically planning pub-crawls.
29. You "hate scrounging students".
30. You no longer have a strange attraction to road signs when drunk.
31. Sleeping in the lounge is a no-no.
32. You can't persuade your flatmates to 'Drink till dawn'.
33. You don't spend Wednesday afternoons in the pub.
34. You always know where you are when you wake up.
35. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
36. A fire in the kitchen is not a laugh.
37. You go to the pharmacy for aspirin and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
38. A £3 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
39. You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.
40. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
41. You don't have mice living in your kitchen. (Or rats!)
42. Grocery lists are longer than pot noodles & cans of lager.
43. You don't go to Liquor Save to buy Vodka.
44. You have hovered.
45. Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.
46. 'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never going to drink that much again'.
47. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
48. You don't experiment with banned substances.
49. You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a pub.
50. You don’t find a "dump" left in the toilet hysterically funny anymore.