April 30, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Something to Offend Everybody:

What's the best form of birth control after 40?


What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of

Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has
the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your Mom.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?

Say, "Nice Dick."

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?

Everyone has the same DNA.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the

A speech impediment.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

Why aren't there any Mexicans on Star Trek?

Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."

What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?

A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, 
along with a recipe.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?

Row row row your boat.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern

A Northern fairytale begins Once upon a time.

A Southern fairytale begins Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.

April 29, 2010

Today's Daily Joke


Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? 

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

April 28, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Social Workers:

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city one evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. 

"Help me, I've been mugged and beaten," he pleaded. 

The two social workers turned and walked away.
One remarked to her colleague, "You know, the person who did this really needs help."

April 27, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Social Security:

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for my Social Security retirement benefits. 
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. 
I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home I will have to go home and come back later. 
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. 
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You would have gotten disability too."

April 26, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Sherlock Holmes and The Camping Trip:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?", asked Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute.
 "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horological, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorological, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

April 23, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Sex Tour:

While on a Far East "sex tour," a businessman parties with some really skanky Thai hookers.
Upon his return, he's horrified to discover his penis is black and green and oozing pus.
He goes to his family doctor who takes one look and says: "I'm sorry, your penis will have to be amputated."
Wanting a second opinion, the businessman goes to a specialist in venereal diseases who takes one look, gasps in disgust, and says "I'm sorry, your penis will have to be amputated."

Desperate, the man goes to a Chinese herbalist and says: "please help me. The doctors are telling me I have to have my penis amputated!"

The wise old Chinese examines the man, clucks his tongue, and says: "Those Western doctor they only interested in money! You no need amputation!"

Immensely relieved, the man says: "I don't?"

The Chinese Doctor says, "No! You wait ten day, dick fall off all by itself!"

April 22, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Black Parrot:

A black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.

"Wow," says the bartender. "That bird is really something."

The Black Guy says, "Yep, and he talks too!"

The Bartender says, "Where'd you get it?"

The Parrot replies, 


April 21, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The British Black Kid:

A young black kid observed that there seemed to be some advantages 
in being white, so he went off and painted himself white all over.
He went
and showed his mother who roused on him, and told him to go and show 
his father.
This he did, and his father not only roared at him for being so silly,
 but cuffed him over the ears and sent him on his way.
The boy went on and
 sat on his favorite log pondering his position and feeling very glum.
His mate
 came along and asked him what was wrong.

"I've only been a white kid for half and hour," he replied, "and I hate those 
black bastards already!"

April 20, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Birds and The Bees:

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. 

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

"Promise me you won't tell me." 

Confused, the father asked what was wrong. 

"Oh Dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."

April 19, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Bill versus General Motors:

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving inexpensive cars that got 100 miles per gallon."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

April 16, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Be Careful What You Ask:

A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said
to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love Granger, but you're
loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge
picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"

The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel
like it was my birthday and Aunt Doreen was here!"

April 15, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Away From Home for the Night:

A man checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so he thought to himself I'll get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
He grabbed a card on the way in. 
It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up ... you know the kind. 
So he’s in his room and figures, "What the heck, I'll give her a call." 
"Hello?" the woman says, Wow! She sounded hot. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my hotel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole nightlong. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on,
cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby! Now, how does that sound?" 
She says, "That sounds fantastic ... but for an outside line, sir, you need to press 9."

April 14, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

At Work:

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense.

The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?" 

"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

April 13, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Appearances Can Be Deceiving:

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab.
A cab stopped and picked her up.
During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her. 

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."

She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."

The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."

She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."

Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"

The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley." 

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying. 

The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"

He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"

The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"

April 12, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Anniversary Dinner:

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife down in the den with her book, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was making a romantic dinner for them all by himself.
"How sweet!" she thought.
Three hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served.
She tiptoed into the kitchen and found it a colossal mess.
Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, caught sight of her in the doorway.
"It's almost ready," he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long, but I had to refill the pepper shaker."
"Why, darling, how long could that have taken you?" she asked.
"More than an hour, I guess," he replied.
"It wasn't easy stuffing it through those dumb little holes, you know!"

April 9, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

And You Ask:

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

April 8, 2010

Today's Daily Joke


This teenager shares a room with his kid brother.
He's got the upper bunk and the kid has the lower bunk.
One night the teenager sneaks a girl into the bedroom and begins fucking her in the top bunk.
She starts getting loud, so worried, he whispers: "Look, don't be going harder, deeper, my brother might hear and tell on us. If you want it harder say tomatoes, and if you want it deeper say lettuce."
So they're going at it hot and heavy and she's screaming "LETTUCE!" "TOMATOES!" "LETTUCE."
Next morning, the kid says to his brother "Hey, next time you make sandwiches in the bedroom, be more careful last night you dripped mayonnaise all over me!"

April 7, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

A Dog Named Sex:

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy".
I call my dog 'Sex.'
Sex has been embarrassing to me.
When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too.

Then I said, "But this is a dog."
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old."
He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the place was for sex.
I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets.
"But you don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."
He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."
The judge said, "Me too."
Then I told him that after I was separated, Sex left me.
He said "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning."
I said, "I am looking for Sex."
My case comes up on Friday.

April 6, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

School Children Are Quick:

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. 
MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? 

CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank? 

FRANK: Because of the sign. 

TEACHER: What sign? 

FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: Johnny, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? 

JOHNNY: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?" 


TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 


TEACHER: What are you talking about? 

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have to day that we didn't have ten years ago. 


TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. 

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I." 

MILLIE: I  is... 

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am." 

MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."     

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted to doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIE: Because George still had the ax in his hand.  

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? 

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. 

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? 

CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 

HAROLD: A teacher.

April 5, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Timmy Makes Cupcakes:

A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Christmas dinner and was surprised to find his young nephew, Timmy, helping them bake some cupcakes. 

After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put the icing on.
When he had finished, he brought them to the table. 

"The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." his uncle said.
And he took a bite while looking at the other cupcakes.
"Timmy these are so good." 

As he finished one and took another he again complimented his little nephew.
"The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle said. "How did you get them icing so even?"
And he took a large bite while waiting for the answer. 

His nephew replied, "I licked them."

April 2, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Modern Man's "Declaration of Independence":

When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the 
off-ramp, I neither need nor choose to hear, "This is our exit."

The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will 
be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.

When I am at my "SportsCenter" which starts at 11PM and runs one hour. This is an
excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or 
talk to your sister.

I will see you in the morning and at night; however, I hereby 
declare myself free from being telephoned at work.

Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game, do in fact, 
constitute going out to dinner.

Silence does not need to be filled.

I will think what I will think without you needing or wanting to know what it is.

No, you may not have the remote.