November 30, 2009

Daily Joke


There were 3 brothers and they planned to go to Amsterdam.
They took a plane and landed quite late in the evening.
They checked into their hotel, and then went to a brothel.
They found that the establishment only took credit cards.
It was late and there was only one girl left.
So they decided to share her and go one by one, when the eldest of them said,
“I am the big brother here, so its fitting I go first."
So the oldest brother went and came back.

The others asked .."How is she? "
He said, "ok, but my wife is better.”
Next the second oldest went and came back and answered the same.
Then the youngest of the 3 brothers went, came back and answered,
"I agree with both of you, your wives are much better than this whore"

November 27, 2009

Daily Joke

Marine In Town:

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded.
"Or just a bed, I
don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted 
the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you
the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have 
complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and 

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring,

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the
 Marine explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said,

'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

November 26, 2009

Happy Turkey Day America - Joke on this !

Hello - I sure could use some Google Friends Connect Followers - please follow my blog.

November 25, 2009

Daily Joke

Forest Gump Goes To Heaven:

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed as Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you.
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and
s ees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a
chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one which two days in the week begin 
with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what 
I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so
 I'll give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?" asks St.

How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest,
"but I thunk and thunk about that a nod I guess the only answer can be

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's
 name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February
 2nd, March 2nd. . ."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and 
I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll 
have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and
final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter.
"Ok, I can
 understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, 
but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first 
name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.
"I learnt it from the song. . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS
 ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said:
"Run Forrest, run."

November 23, 2009

Daily Joke


A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him.
All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off. 

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy,
"Daddy what in the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Sure had a big dick."

November 20, 2009

Daily Joke

The Magician and The Parrot:

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. 

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. 

Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: 

Look, it's not the same hat 
Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades? 

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. 

One day the ship had an accident and sunk.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. 

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. 

This went on for a day, and another, and another.

After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. 
What did you do with the boat?

November 19, 2009

Daily Joke


A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon,he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled
fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.
That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

November 18, 2009

Daily Joke

At the card shop:

A blond was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"

"I don't know," said the blond.
"Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your small penis' cards?"

November 17, 2009

Daily Joke

Bear In The Air:

A man was recently flying to New York.
He decided to strike up a conversation with the guy next to him.

"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"

"I should let you know first that I am a policeman, the man replied."

"That's OK. I'll talk really slow!"

Note: In America, Police are often called bears, i.e. short for Smokey Bear.

November 16, 2009

Daily Joke

NASA and the three Astronauts:

Once upon a time NASA decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years.
NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage.
The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, while the third astronaut decided to take along cigarettes.

Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.

First came the first astronaut and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.

Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent German.

They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause.

Suddenly out came the third astronaut with a cigarette in his mouth.

He walked up to the podium and snarled to the crowd and asked, “Has anyone got a friggin match?”

November 13, 2009

Daily Joke

Searching for Her Mate:

An American woman turns 40 and wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.
And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the night of sexual festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

“What has happened?” she asks.
I've never been with a woman,” the man says. “But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the fucking room I can get!”

November 12, 2009

Daily Joke

Lawyer Joke:

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.

"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said.

"I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your childrens souls, and their childrens souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment.
"So, what's the catch?" he asked.

November 11, 2009

Daily Joke

Math Lesson:

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

Dear wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up,
Your Wife

November 10, 2009

Daily Joke


Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he waited his time. 

Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.
"They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." 
The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. 

"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

November 9, 2009

Daily Joke


Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.
During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all of his fellow inmates.

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.
But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cabinets and a large counter top which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

November 6, 2009

Daily Joke

The Anniversary Gift:

With their 30th wedding anniversary approaching, Ron asks his wife, Sylvia, what she wants to celebrate the occasion.
"Would you like to have a new mink coat?" Ron asks.
"No, not really," Sylvia responds.
"Well, how about a new Porche?" asks Ron.
"No, thanks," Sylvia replies.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" Ron suggests.
"No," says Sylvia.
"Well, what would you like for your anniversary?" Ron asks.
"I'd like a divorce, Ron," answers Sylvia.
"Sorry, honey, I wasn't planning on spending that much," replies Ron.

November 5, 2009

Daily Joke

A Thought to Ponder:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

November 4, 2009

Daily Joke

Used Sex Toys for Sale:

This is an actual ad in craigslist that appeared as 4-sale-items ....

I have the following pre-owned adult toys for immediate sale:

Three-speed Vibrator with adjustable head, works great but rotator is slightly jammed with hair. $25

4 size small and extra small butt-plugs. I moved up the size rather quick so they are barely used and in perfect shape. $4 each

3 half eaten edible panties, size XXL. Flavors: virgin strawberry, smooth Irish cream, and backdoor fudge. $2.50 each

Soft rubber life-like (cock with balls) black dildo. The paint is slightly worn off at the tip but otherwise works great. $10

2 size extra small cock rings. $3 each or $5 for both.

1 set of glass anal beads. These beads have been used a lot so they are extra smooth! $8.

1 white leather sex swing, made in England. Slightly stained at the edges of leg straps. $25

Deep anal metal sphere mini-vibrator. The metal casing is slightly bent due to emergency retrieval surgery, but still vibrates perfectly well. $5

November 3, 2009

Daily Joke

Actual Air Force Maintenance Complaints:

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by U.S. Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto land very rough." Solution: "Auto land not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off:

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

November 2, 2009

Daily Joke

Must Be:

A rabbit and a frog were taking a Sunday afternoon walk around the fringes of the wood, when an unexpected thunderstorm began. The two friends sheltered under a huge oak tree, when suddenly it was struck by lightning. A blinding flash, a smell of scorching, debris falling all around them.
After a few moments, the rabbit and the frog came to after being knocked out. They were, amazingly, still alive, but found they had been blinded and lost their memories.
"Where am I? Who am I?" they both moaned.
"You sound familiar", said the rabbit.
The frog replied, "You sound like a friend."
They agreed that the best thing to do was to feel each other to discover who they were.
"You are all covered in warm soft fur and have big ears," said the frog.
"Then I must be a rabbit! And you, you are all cold and slimy and covered in warts, and you have bulging eyes."
"No... no... that means I must be... a lawyer."