June 30, 2009

The Daily Joke

You Know:

During my training as a medical-group receptionist, I was told never to recommend one of our doctors over another, but simply state who had available appointments.
One day a woman came in and looked at me conspiratorially.
"I'm a nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff always knows which doctors are good and which aren't. Who do you think I should see?"

Knowing my supervisor was listening close by I tried to sound most professional.
"Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "I can't recommend any of our doctors."

"Well, you must know!" she said, heading out the door.

June 29, 2009

The Daily Joke

Gorgeous New Mink

Three members of a weekly female bridge quartet were duly impressed when the fourth arrived wearing an incredibly gorgeous new mink coat. 

"That's a stunning garment, Louise," one woman purred.
"It must have cost you a fortune!" 

"No, not at all," Louise replied, "just a single piece of ass." 

"You mean," the admirer of the coat continued, "one that you gave your husband?" 

"No," grinned Louise, "the one that he gave our maid."

June 27, 2009

The Daily Joke


The Franklin Factor:
Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.

The Rat Race:
If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.

The Eyeglass Prescription:
Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.

The Ring Rule:
A watched telephone never rings.

The Creep Call:
Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you told you were busy.

The Fishing Forecast:
They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?

The Psychological Prognosis:
Love is a form of temporary insanity curable only by marriage.

The Rope Trick:
Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.

Mind Over Matter:
No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.

The Fault Finder:
The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.

The Unintended Result:
1) Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy.
2) Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex.

The Rabbit Rule:
Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.

The Dangle Doctrine:
You can't keep a good man down.

Twain's Truth:
Familiarity breeds children.

The Fertility Factor:
Women are only fertile a few days each month... unless they're single.

The Preparation Predicament:
The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.

June 26, 2009

Adult Political Joke

You Must Go:

President George Bush calls Condolence Rice into his office and says, “The situation in the Sudan is worsening, women and children are starving. I need you to go there tomorrow and tell me first hand how bad it is.”
She says, “I don’t want to go to that hell hole.”
President Bush says, “Ok but you know what you have to do.”
So Connie gets down and starts sucking George’s throbbing penis, when she says, “Your dick tastes like shit.”
The President says, “Yeah Colin Powell didn’t want to go either.
Oh what the hell we’ll send Dick Cheney.”

June 25, 2009

The Daily Joke

12 Monks:

Twelve monks were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up naked, in a garden while a nude model danced before them.
Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk.
As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground.
Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring as he felt a sharp pain in his ass.

June 24, 2009

The Daily Joke

The Love Dress: 

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house.
She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house.
She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. 

"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained. 

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. 
I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this and left.
On the way home she thought about the love dress.
When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing!" said the husband!

June 23, 2009

The Daily Joke

The Rookie:

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him who was then joined by the manager, "I've figured out your problem, the young southpaw was told by the manager.
"You always lose control at the same point in every game." 

"When is that?" he asked. 

"Right after the National Anthem is played, so I am sending you back son” said the manager.
The southpaw said, “But sir, this is the minors you can’t send me back, there is no baseball league lower than the minors.”
The manager said, “No, son not back to baseball, back to your day job you had before you came here.”
The frustrated young pitcher replied, “But I worked at McDonalds.”
Well, then make sure you don’t throw any hamburgers around you might hit one of the customers, then you won’t have that job either!” said the catcher.

June 22, 2009

The Daily Joke

The Top 15 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush:

15. I Know What You Did Last Weekend, and So Does the Rest of the Country, Including Your Parents

14. The Cider House RULES

13. C.H.U.G.

12. Falling Down, Drunk

11. A Fish Called Jenna

10. The Texas Braincell Massacre
9. The Beer Hunter
8. 101 Citations
7. The Legend of Drunken First Daughter
6. What Did You Do in the Bar, Daddy?
5. A Pack o' Schlitz, Now!
4. Tanked Girl
3. From Beer to Fraternity
2. Puking Tiger, Heaving Dragon
and the number 1 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush...
1. Dude, Where's My Lawyer?

June 21, 2009

The Daily Joke

A Doctor Visit:

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill.
After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news.
You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10..." says the doctor. "10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately. "10...9...8...7...6..."

June 20, 2009

The Daily Joke


Bernie was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of
the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Bernie boy decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answered and Bernie said, "May I speak with the Vice
President of peas, please?"

The clerk replied, "Canned or frozen?"

June 19, 2009

The Daily Joke

Back Again:

The Judge said to the defendant.
"I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."

"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."

June 18, 2009

The Daily Joke

Dr. Joke:

A man walks into a doctor's office.
He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

June 17, 2009

The Daily Joke

Time Please:

Every morning for years, at about 11:30am, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator got up the nerve to ask him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

June 16, 2009

The Daily Joke

So Many Fathers:

A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office.
Under "Number of children," she wrote "10," and where it said "List names of children," she wrote "Leroy."
When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out:
"Now here where it says "List names of children," you're supposed to write the names of each one of your children."
"Dey all named Leroy," said the black woman.
"That's very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want?" asked the welfare worker.
"Oh, den I uses the last names."

June 15, 2009

The Daily Joke

Slip Of The Tongue:

A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.
He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye.
"Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?" 

"Well," explains the man, "I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh' and so she sucker-punched me!"
The man continues, "What's your story?" 

The other guy explains, "I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties, but I accidentally said, You ruined my life you stupid bitch."

June 14, 2009

The Daily Joke


An old lady dies and she goes to heaven.
She's chatting up a storm
 with St. Peter at the Pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most
awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that, "says St. Peter, "it's only someone having
 the holes bored into her shoulder blades for her wings. "
The old lady looks a bit uncomfortable but continues the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.

"Oh my god," says the little old lady, "now what's


"Not to worry, "says St. Peter, "she's only having her head
drilled to fit her halo."

"I can't do this, "says the little old lady, "I'm off to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and
"Yes, but I already have the holes for that, "says the little 
old lady.

June 13, 2009

The Daily Joke

Cannon Balls:

Your just have to know this!

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannon fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon, but prevent them from rolling about the deck. The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of thirty cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem, which was how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a, "Monkey," with sixteen round indentations. If this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys."
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!"
And just think, all this time, you have had dirty thoughts, haven't you?

June 12, 2009

The Daily Joke

A Duck Wants Too Know:

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes.
The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" 
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.
The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. 

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, you fucking duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask me for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to a bar stool."

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Quack, do you got any nails?" 

Confused, the bartender says, “Hell no, I don’t have any frigging nails you stupid damn duck.” 

"Very Good!" says the duck. ''Quack, got any grapes?''

June 11, 2009

The Daily Joke

If you need a laugh, then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. 

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. 

Q: How is dew formed? 

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? 

A: Keep it in the cow. 

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? 

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. 

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. 

Q: What happens to your body as you age? 

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? 

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.   

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax, and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby. (I do love this one...) 

Q:  Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"

A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome. 

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

June 10, 2009

The Daily Joke

Cow Manure:

A man was taking a walk when he noticed a small boy busily building something.
As he approached the boy, he was shocked to see that he was playing with cow manure.
"Goodness, young man," he said, "what are you doing?"
"I'm making Barack Hussein Obama with this manure, sir," the boy replied.
Thoroughly taken back, the man asked, "Why are you making Barack Hussein Obama?
Why not make, say, George W. Bush"
"Oh, that's not possible, sir," answered the boy.
"Why not?" asked the man.
"There isn't enough here to make a George Bush," explained the boy.

June 9, 2009

The Daily Joke

A Farmer and His Pig:

A farmer with his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.

The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?"

The farmer replied, "No Sir, I didn't know that."

The cop asks the farmer where he was going and the farmer replies, "To Memphis".
The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis."

So the farmer promises he would.

Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.

The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis"
....and to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun, I'm taking him to the circus next week."

June 8, 2009

The Daily Joke

A Frustrated Wife:

A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband.
Her doctor told her to give him one pill a night, and that he would call to check in with her after a week.

That night, the wife popped one pill in her husband's food and got a good fuck. 

The next night she gave him two pills.
The sex was even greater than the night before.

The following night she decided to give him the whole bottle. The sex was unimaginable. 

A week later, the doctor called to check on the patient.
The couple's son answered the phone and sounded shaky.
The doctor asked to speak to his mother.
The son replied that his mother was in the hospital, the maid was pregnant, his butt was hurting, and his dad was standing naked in the front yard, yelling, "Here kitty, kitty...."

June 6, 2009

The Daily Joke

4 Sale: This is another Real Ad

$10,000 - A 2009 Suzuki GSXR Model
Location: Farmington, UT 84025

2009 Suzuki.
This bike is in perfect condition!
It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive).
It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife.
Apparently "do whatever the fuck you want" doesn't mean what I thought.
Call Steve ASAP. (801)867-xxxx

June 5, 2009

The Daily Joke

One Room:

The teacher in a one-room schoolhouse comes in one morning to find a nice apple on her desk with a note that read, "TOT."
Knowing she had some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously asked, "Can someone explain "TOT" to me?"
Little Suzy in the front row raised her hand and explained, "It means - To Our Teacher."
So that was OK.
The next morning, she comes in and there was a bigger, prettier apple on her desk with another note that read, "TOTWL" written on it.
Less worried she asks, "Who can explain this note?"
Little Billy waved his hand frantically in the front row. "That means - To Our Teacher with Love."
So that was okay.
The very next morning, she comes in and there's this great big watermelon on her desk with a note that read, "FUCK" on it in big red letters.
Taken back and in shock, she blurts out, "Who can explain this?"
A little black boy in the back row raises his hand and explains, that means, “From Us Colored Kids.”

June 4, 2009

The Daily Joke


"I wonder what this button does..."

"It's probably just a rash..."

"I wonder where the mother bear is..."

"Nice doggy..."

"That's odd"

"Watch this!"

June 3, 2009

The Daily Joke

Engineer - Physicist - Lawyer:

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"
The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions.
Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?

June 2, 2009

The Daily Joke

Female Bashing:

Q. Why did God give men penises ?
A. So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q. What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?

A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

Q. How is a woman like a laxative ?

A. They both irritate the shit out of you.

Q. What are the small bumps around a womans' nipples for ?

A. Its Braille for "suck here".

Q. Why do men die before their wives ?
A. They want to.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women ? 
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?

A. Lipstick.

Q. Why do women have tits ?

A. So men will talk to them.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin ?

A. You come in one and go in the other.

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex ?

A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild ?
A. Money.

Q. Why did the army send so many women with pms to the Persian Gulf ?

A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job ?

A. After 5 years your job will still suck.

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job ?
A. Ten minutes of silence.

and finally...

Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women ?
A. When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them

June 1, 2009

The Daily Joke


A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"