December 30, 2009

The Daily Joke

Naughty Thoughts at the Funeral:

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers.
When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.
Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

December 29, 2009

The Daily Joke

One Blonde To Another:

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.
She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note.
"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. 

Inside the bag was the following note.
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

December 28, 2009

The Daily Joke

Airplanes versus Women:

Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'
Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown before.
Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other airplanes.
Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
Airplanes expect to be tied down.
Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's a bad thing.

December 23, 2009

The Daily Joke


Two guys are drinking at a bar when one turns to the other and says, 
"Right, time I was going home, the wife only lets me have 4 beers" 

His friend says, "No, no, no, that'll never do. You should do what I do. 
Drink as many beers as you can hold, follow that with 5 tequilas, 3 whiskeys and bourbon! Then go home, shove your head under the blanket and lick your wife’s pussy like crazy, she WONT complain ever again, trust me!" 

So the first guy says "FUCK IT!!” gets tanked and wobbles home. 
After he stumbles up the stairs he opens the bedroom door, and without hesitation, dives under the blanket and starts licking away! 
After 5 minutes he figures "Right, best go wash up or she'll never kiss me like this all over my face."
So off to the bathroom he goes. 
When he gets there he sees his wife, soaking in the bathtub reading a book. 

"What the fuck!!" he shouts out real loud. 
"SHUSH" whispers the wife right back to him.
 "You'll wake up your mother!!"

December 22, 2009

The Daily Joke

Old Butch:

Background for you city folks-
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result?
The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet surprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making:
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

December 21, 2009

The Daily Joke

As They Get Old:

- Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.

- Old actors never die they just drop apart.

- Old archers never die they just bow and quiver.

- Old architects never die they just lose their structures.

- Old bankers never die they just lose interest.

- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

- Old bookkeepers never die; they just lose their figures.

- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

- Old chauffeurs never die; they just lose their drive.

- Old chemists never die they just fail to react.

- Old cleaning people never die they just kick the bucket.

- Old cooks never die they just get deranged.

- Old daredevils never die they just get discouraged.

- Old deans never die; they just lose their faculties.

- Old doctors never die; they just lose their patience.

- Old electricians never die they just lose contact.

- Old farmers never die they just go to seed.

- Old garage men never die they just retire.

- Old hackers never die they just go to bits.

- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

- Old hippies never die they just smell that way.

- Old horticulturists never die they just go to pot.

- Old hypochondriacs never die; they just lose their grippe.

- Old investors never die they just roll over.

- Old journalists never die they just get de-pressed.

- Old knights in chain mail never die; they just shuffle off their metal coils.

- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

- Old lawyers never die; they just lose their appeal.

- Old limbo dancers never die they just go under.

- Old mathematicians never die they just disintegrate.

- Old milkmaids never die; they just lose their whey.

- Old musicians never die they just get played out.

- Old number theorists never die; they just get past their prime.

- Old numerical analysts never die they just get disarrayed.

- Old owls never die; they just don't give a hoot.

- Old pacifists never die they just go to peaces.

- Old photographers never die they just stop developing.

- Old pilots never die; they just go to a higher plane.

- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

- Old printers never die; they're just not the type.

- Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.

- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

- Old quarterbacks never die they just pass away.

- Old schools never die; they just lose their principals.

- Old sculptors never die; they just lose their marbles.

- Old seers never die; they just lose their vision.

- Old sewage workers never die they just waste away.

- Old skateboarders never die; they just lose their bearings.

- Old sailors never die; they just get a little dingy.

- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

- Old steel makers never die; they just lose their temper.

- Old students never die they just get degraded.
- Old tanners never die they just go into hiding.

- Old teachers never die; they just lose their class.

- Old typists never die; they just lose their justification.

- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.

- Old white water rafters never die they just get disgorged.

- Old wrestlers never die; they just lose their grip.

- There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.

- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...

- Old Truckers never die, they just get a new Peterbilt!

- Old mailmen never die; they just lose their zip!

- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....

December 19, 2009

The Daily Joke

ID Ten T error:

I was having trouble with my computer. 
So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. 
Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. 
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. 
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" 
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." 
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T  error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?" 
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T  error before?" 

"No," I replied. 

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." 

So I wrote out .. I D 1 0 T

December 18, 2009

The Daily Joke

Natural Selection and Beer:

The "smartest" thing Cliff EVER said on Cheers-
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the buffalo theory to his buddy Norm.
And here's how it went:
"Well ya see Norm, it's like this.... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

December 17, 2009

The Daily Joke

You Haven't Changed:

Charlie was lying on the couch, when his wife went over to him and removed his glasses. 

"You know, dear," she said tenderly, "without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

Grinning, Charlie replied, "Honey, without my glasses, you too still look pretty and desirable!"

December 16, 2009

The Daily Joke

Little Johnny and Christmas:

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the questions."
Teacher: Who said Four Score and Seven Years Ago?
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: That's right Susie, you can go home.
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: Who said I Have a Dream?
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: That's right Mary, you can go.
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: Who said Ask not, what your country can do for you?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: That's right Nancy , you may also leave.
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: NOW WHO SAID THAT?

December 15, 2009

The Daily Joke

All I Need To Know I Learned From The Easter Bunny:

...Don't put all your eggs in one basket
...Walk softly and carry a big carrot
...Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
...There's no such thing as too much candy
...All work and no play can make you a basket case
...A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention
...Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
...Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits
...Some body parts should be floppy
...Keep your paws off other people's jelly beans
...Good things come in small sugarcoated packages
...The grass is always greener in someone else's basket
...An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
...To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell
...The best things in life are still sweet and gooey

December 14, 2009

The Daily Joke

So Who You Callin:

When I born, I black. When I grow up, I black. When I go in
sun, I black. When I cold, I black. When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black. And when I die, I still black.

You white folks......
When you born, you pink. When you grow
up, you white. When you go in sun, you red. When you cold, you blue. When you scared, you yellow. When you sick, you green. When you bruised you purple. And when you die, you gray.

So, who you callin' colored?

December 12, 2009

The Daily Joke

20 Random Thoughts:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever !!!

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicmail. What would you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My young son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well !!!

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

December 11, 2009

The Daily Joke


A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry.
When it comes back there are still stains in her panties.
The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese laundry man that says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry.
"Use more soap on panties."
Finally fed up the Chinese man responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass."

December 10, 2009

The Daily Joke

Signs You Have Had a Bad Date with a Girl:

* Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother.

* You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.

* She has a thicker mustache than you.

* When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.

* You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.

* Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.

* You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass.

* You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin.

* At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.

* She beats the crap out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut.

* She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you.

* You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.

* At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.

* You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh.

* She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan.

* She is better hung than you.

* She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her.

* She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you.

December 9, 2009

The Daily Joke

Joe's Excuse:

Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church 
From time to time she would practice while she was 
in the kitchen preparing dinner.
Whenever she would start 
in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.

His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, 
Don't you like my singing?"

Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want 
to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

December 8, 2009

The Daily Joke


Women are like apples on trees. 
The best ones are at the top of the tree. 
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. 
Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now for the Men:
Men are like a fine wine.
They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

December 7, 2009

The Daily Joke

Did you hear?

Tiger Woods, the gold pro has changed his name to 'Cheetah' Woods.

December 4, 2009

The Daily Joke

Another Encounter Between Medicine and The Law:

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you -
taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner said, "No."
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"Did you check for breathing?"
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

December 3, 2009

The Daily Joke

And, GOD Created Woman:

And she was good. 
And she had two arms, two legs, and three breasts. 

And God asked woman what she would like to have changed 
about herself.

And she asked for her middle breast to be removed. 

And it was good. 
She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God 
what should be done with the useless boob.

And God then created man... 
the rest is history and another story

December 2, 2009

The Daily Joke

No Panties:

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little Girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties it's not appropriate to walk around without any panties." 

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her.
When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs.
The priest then notices the lady and calls her down. 

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest then gives the lady one dollar and says, "Take this money and for God's Sake, go buy yourself a razor!"

December 1, 2009

The Daily Joke

Old Bill:

One Christmas Morning ....
During President Clinton’s second term in office he woke up to see two feet of snow outside his bedroom widow.
But as he looked closer, he saw that someone had urinated "CLINTON'S AN ASSHOLE" in the snow.
Bill was outraged and asked the head of the Secret Service to run a sample of the urination.
The head of the S.S. said, "We'll have it back in about two weeks.
Two weeks later, the Secret Service agent walked in and said, "No doubt about it sir, It's definitely Vice President Al Gore's urine.
But, it's your wife Hillary’s hand writing!"