December 30, 2009

The Daily Joke

Naughty Thoughts at the Funeral:

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers.
When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.
Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

December 29, 2009

The Daily Joke

One Blonde To Another:

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.
She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note.
"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".


She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. 

Inside the bag was the following note.
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

December 28, 2009

The Daily Joke

Airplanes versus Women:

Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'
Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown before.
Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other airplanes.
Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
Airplanes expect to be tied down.
Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's a bad thing.

December 23, 2009

The Daily Joke

Shush:

Two guys are drinking at a bar when one turns to the other and says, 
"Right, time I was going home, the wife only lets me have 4 beers" 

His friend says, "No, no, no, that'll never do. You should do what I do. 
Drink as many beers as you can hold, follow that with 5 tequilas, 3 whiskeys and bourbon! Then go home, shove your head under the blanket and lick your wife’s pussy like crazy, she WONT complain ever again, trust me!" 

So the first guy says "FUCK IT!!” gets tanked and wobbles home. 
After he stumbles up the stairs he opens the bedroom door, and without hesitation, dives under the blanket and starts licking away! 
After 5 minutes he figures "Right, best go wash up or she'll never kiss me like this all over my face."
So off to the bathroom he goes. 
When he gets there he sees his wife, soaking in the bathtub reading a book. 

"What the fuck!!" he shouts out real loud. 
"SHUSH" whispers the wife right back to him.
 "You'll wake up your mother!!"

December 22, 2009

The Daily Joke

Old Butch:

Background for you city folks-
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result?
The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet surprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making:
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

December 21, 2009

The Daily Joke

As They Get Old:



- Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.


- Old actors never die they just drop apart.


- Old archers never die they just bow and quiver.


- Old architects never die they just lose their structures.


- Old bankers never die they just lose interest.


- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.


- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.


- Old bookkeepers never die; they just lose their figures.


- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.


- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.


- Old chauffeurs never die; they just lose their drive.


- Old chemists never die they just fail to react.


- Old cleaning people never die they just kick the bucket.


- Old cooks never die they just get deranged.


- Old daredevils never die they just get discouraged.


- Old deans never die; they just lose their faculties.


- Old doctors never die; they just lose their patience.


- Old electricians never die they just lose contact.


- Old farmers never die they just go to seed.


- Old garage men never die they just retire.


- Old hackers never die they just go to bits.


- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.


- Old hippies never die they just smell that way.


- Old horticulturists never die they just go to pot.


- Old hypochondriacs never die; they just lose their grippe.


- Old investors never die they just roll over.


- Old journalists never die they just get de-pressed.


- Old knights in chain mail never die; they just shuffle off their metal coils.


- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.


- Old lawyers never die; they just lose their appeal.


- Old limbo dancers never die they just go under.


- Old mathematicians never die they just disintegrate.


- Old milkmaids never die; they just lose their whey.


- Old musicians never die they just get played out.


- Old number theorists never die; they just get past their prime.


- Old numerical analysts never die they just get disarrayed.


- Old owls never die; they just don't give a hoot.


- Old pacifists never die they just go to peaces.


- Old photographers never die they just stop developing.


- Old pilots never die; they just go to a higher plane.


- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.


- Old printers never die; they're just not the type.


- Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.


- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.


- Old quarterbacks never die they just pass away.


- Old schools never die; they just lose their principals.


- Old sculptors never die; they just lose their marbles.


- Old seers never die; they just lose their vision.


- Old sewage workers never die they just waste away.


- Old skateboarders never die; they just lose their bearings.


- Old sailors never die; they just get a little dingy.


- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.


- Old steel makers never die; they just lose their temper.


- Old students never die they just get degraded.
- Old tanners never die they just go into hiding.


- Old teachers never die; they just lose their class.


- Old typists never die; they just lose their justification.


- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.


- Old white water rafters never die they just get disgorged.


- Old wrestlers never die; they just lose their grip.


- There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.


- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...


- Old Truckers never die, they just get a new Peterbilt!


- Old mailmen never die; they just lose their zip!


- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....

December 19, 2009

The Daily Joke

ID Ten T error:

I was having trouble with my computer. 
So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. 
Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. 
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. 
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" 
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." 
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T  error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?" 
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T  error before?" 

"No," I replied. 

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." 


So I wrote out .. I D 1 0 T

December 18, 2009

The Daily Joke

Natural Selection and Beer:

The "smartest" thing Cliff EVER said on Cheers-
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the buffalo theory to his buddy Norm.
And here's how it went:
"Well ya see Norm, it's like this.... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

December 17, 2009

The Daily Joke

You Haven't Changed:

Charlie was lying on the couch, when his wife went over to him and removed his glasses. 


"You know, dear," she said tenderly, "without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."


Grinning, Charlie replied, "Honey, without my glasses, you too still look pretty and desirable!"

December 16, 2009

The Daily Joke

Little Johnny and Christmas:

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the questions."
Teacher: Who said Four Score and Seven Years Ago?
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: That's right Susie, you can go home.
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: Who said I Have a Dream?
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: That's right Mary, you can go.
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: Who said Ask not, what your country can do for you?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: That's right Nancy , you may also leave.
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: NOW WHO SAID THAT?
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

December 15, 2009

The Daily Joke

All I Need To Know I Learned From The Easter Bunny:

...Don't put all your eggs in one basket
...Walk softly and carry a big carrot
...Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
...There's no such thing as too much candy
...All work and no play can make you a basket case
...A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention
...Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
...Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits
...Some body parts should be floppy
...Keep your paws off other people's jelly beans
...Good things come in small sugarcoated packages
...The grass is always greener in someone else's basket
...An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
...To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell
...The best things in life are still sweet and gooey

December 14, 2009

The Daily Joke

So Who You Callin:

When I born, I black. When I grow up, I black. When I go in
sun, I black. When I cold, I black. When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black. And when I die, I still black.

You white folks......
When you born, you pink. When you grow
up, you white. When you go in sun, you red. When you cold, you blue. When you scared, you yellow. When you sick, you green. When you bruised you purple. And when you die, you gray.

So, who you callin' colored?

December 12, 2009

The Daily Joke

20 Random Thoughts:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever !!!

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicmail. What would you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My young son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well !!!

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

December 11, 2009

The Daily Joke

Soap:

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry.
When it comes back there are still stains in her panties.
The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese laundry man that says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry.
"Use more soap on panties."
Finally fed up the Chinese man responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass."

December 10, 2009

The Daily Joke

Signs You Have Had a Bad Date with a Girl:

* Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother.

* You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.

* She has a thicker mustache than you.

* When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.

* You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.

* Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.

* You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass.

* You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin.

* At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.

* She beats the crap out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut.

* She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you.

* You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.

* At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.

* You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh.

* She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan.

* She is better hung than you.

* She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her.

* She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you.

December 9, 2009

The Daily Joke

Joe's Excuse:

Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church 
choir.
From time to time she would practice while she was 
in the kitchen preparing dinner.
Whenever she would start 
in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.


His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, 
Joe?
Don't you like my singing?"


Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want 
to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

December 8, 2009

The Daily Joke

Apples:

Women are like apples on trees. 
The best ones are at the top of the tree. 
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. 
Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now for the Men:
Men are like a fine wine.
They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

December 7, 2009

The Daily Joke

Did you hear?

Tiger Woods, the gold pro has changed his name to 'Cheetah' Woods.

December 4, 2009

The Daily Joke

Another Encounter Between Medicine and The Law:

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you -
taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner said, "No."
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"No."
"Did you check for breathing?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

December 3, 2009

The Daily Joke

And, GOD Created Woman:

And she was good. 
And she had two arms, two legs, and three breasts. 

And God asked woman what she would like to have changed 
about herself.

And she asked for her middle breast to be removed. 

And it was good. 
She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God 
what should be done with the useless boob.


And God then created man... 
the rest is history and another story

December 2, 2009

The Daily Joke

No Panties:

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little Girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties it's not appropriate to walk around without any panties." 


The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her.
When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs.
The priest then notices the lady and calls her down. 

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest then gives the lady one dollar and says, "Take this money and for God's Sake, go buy yourself a razor!"

December 1, 2009

The Daily Joke

Old Bill:

One Christmas Morning ....
During President Clinton’s second term in office he woke up to see two feet of snow outside his bedroom widow.
But as he looked closer, he saw that someone had urinated "CLINTON'S AN ASSHOLE" in the snow.
Bill was outraged and asked the head of the Secret Service to run a sample of the urination.
The head of the S.S. said, "We'll have it back in about two weeks.
Two weeks later, the Secret Service agent walked in and said, "No doubt about it sir, It's definitely Vice President Al Gore's urine.
But, it's your wife Hillary’s hand writing!"

November 30, 2009

Daily Joke

Amsterdam:

There were 3 brothers and they planned to go to Amsterdam.
They took a plane and landed quite late in the evening.
They checked into their hotel, and then went to a brothel.
They found that the establishment only took credit cards.
It was late and there was only one girl left.
So they decided to share her and go one by one, when the eldest of them said,
“I am the big brother here, so its fitting I go first."
So the oldest brother went and came back.

The others asked .."How is she? "
He said, "ok, but my wife is better.”
Next the second oldest went and came back and answered the same.
Then the youngest of the 3 brothers went, came back and answered,
"I agree with both of you, your wives are much better than this whore"

November 27, 2009

Daily Joke

Marine In Town:

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken.
 

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded.
"Or just a bed, I
don't care where."
 

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted 
the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you
the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have 
complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
 

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."


The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and 
bushy-tailed.
 

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
 

"Never better."


The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring,
 then?"
 

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
 

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
 

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the
 Marine explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said,

'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

November 26, 2009

Happy Turkey Day America - Joke on this !




Hello - I sure could use some Google Friends Connect Followers - please follow my blog.

November 25, 2009

Daily Joke

Forest Gump Goes To Heaven:

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed as Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you.
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."


Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."


St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.


First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?


Second: How many seconds are there in a year?


Third: What is God's first name?"


Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and
s ees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a
chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."


Forrest says, "Well, the first one which two days in the week begin 
with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and
 Tomorrow.


The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what 
I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so
 I'll give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?" asks St.
 Peter.

"
How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest,
"but I thunk and thunk about that a nod I guess the only answer can be
 twelve." 

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's
 name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"


Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February
 2nd, March 2nd. . ."


"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and 
I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll 
have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and
final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"
Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."


"Andy!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter.
"Ok, I can
 understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, 
but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first 
name of God?"


"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.
"I learnt it from the song. . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS
 ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."


St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said:
"Run Forrest, run."


November 23, 2009

Daily Joke

Argument:

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him.
All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off. 

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy,
"Daddy what in the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Sure had a big dick."

November 20, 2009

Daily Joke

The Magician and The Parrot:

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. 

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. 

Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: 

Look, it's not the same hat 
Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades? 

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. 

One day the ship had an accident and sunk.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. 

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. 

This went on for a day, and another, and another.

After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. 
What did you do with the boat?

November 19, 2009

Daily Joke

Stranded:

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon,he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled
fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.
That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

November 18, 2009

Daily Joke

At the card shop:

A blond was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"

"I don't know," said the blond.
"Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your small penis' cards?"

November 17, 2009

Daily Joke

Bear In The Air:


A man was recently flying to New York.
He decided to strike up a conversation with the guy next to him.

"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"

"I should let you know first that I am a policeman, the man replied."

"That's OK. I'll talk really slow!"


Note: In America, Police are often called bears, i.e. short for Smokey Bear.

November 16, 2009

Daily Joke

NASA and the three Astronauts:


Once upon a time NASA decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years.
NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage.
The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, while the third astronaut decided to take along cigarettes.


Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.


First came the first astronaut and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.


Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent German.


They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause.


Suddenly out came the third astronaut with a cigarette in his mouth.


He walked up to the podium and snarled to the crowd and asked, “Has anyone got a friggin match?”

November 13, 2009

Daily Joke

Searching for Her Mate:

An American woman turns 40 and wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.
And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the night of sexual festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

“What has happened?” she asks.
“
I've never been with a woman,” the man says. “But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the fucking room I can get!”

November 12, 2009

Daily Joke

Lawyer Joke:

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.

"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said.

"I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your childrens souls, and their childrens souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment.
"So, what's the catch?" he asked.

November 11, 2009

Daily Joke

Math Lesson:

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:


Dear wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
regards,
Your Husband


When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:


Dear Husband,
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up,
Your Wife

November 10, 2009

Daily Joke

Annoyed:

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he waited his time. 

Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.
"They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." 
The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. 

"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

November 9, 2009

Daily Joke

Andy:


Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.
During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all of his fellow inmates.

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.
But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cabinets and a large counter top which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

November 6, 2009

Daily Joke

The Anniversary Gift:

With their 30th wedding anniversary approaching, Ron asks his wife, Sylvia, what she wants to celebrate the occasion.
"Would you like to have a new mink coat?" Ron asks.
"No, not really," Sylvia responds.
"Well, how about a new Porche?" asks Ron.
"No, thanks," Sylvia replies.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" Ron suggests.
"No," says Sylvia.
"Well, what would you like for your anniversary?" Ron asks.
"I'd like a divorce, Ron," answers Sylvia.
"Sorry, honey, I wasn't planning on spending that much," replies Ron.

November 5, 2009

Daily Joke

A Thought to Ponder:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

November 4, 2009

Daily Joke

Used Sex Toys for Sale:

This is an actual ad in craigslist that appeared as 4-sale-items ....

I have the following pre-owned adult toys for immediate sale:

Three-speed Vibrator with adjustable head, works great but rotator is slightly jammed with hair. $25

4 size small and extra small butt-plugs. I moved up the size rather quick so they are barely used and in perfect shape. $4 each

3 half eaten edible panties, size XXL. Flavors: virgin strawberry, smooth Irish cream, and backdoor fudge. $2.50 each

Soft rubber life-like (cock with balls) black dildo. The paint is slightly worn off at the tip but otherwise works great. $10

2 size extra small cock rings. $3 each or $5 for both.

1 set of glass anal beads. These beads have been used a lot so they are extra smooth! $8.

1 white leather sex swing, made in England. Slightly stained at the edges of leg straps. $25

Deep anal metal sphere mini-vibrator. The metal casing is slightly bent due to emergency retrieval surgery, but still vibrates perfectly well. $5

November 3, 2009

Daily Joke

Actual Air Force Maintenance Complaints:

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by U.S. Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.


Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto land very rough." Solution: "Auto land not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off:
"IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

November 2, 2009

Daily Joke

Must Be:

A rabbit and a frog were taking a Sunday afternoon walk around the fringes of the wood, when an unexpected thunderstorm began. The two friends sheltered under a huge oak tree, when suddenly it was struck by lightning. A blinding flash, a smell of scorching, debris falling all around them.
After a few moments, the rabbit and the frog came to after being knocked out. They were, amazingly, still alive, but found they had been blinded and lost their memories.
"Where am I? Who am I?" they both moaned.
"You sound familiar", said the rabbit.
The frog replied, "You sound like a friend."
They agreed that the best thing to do was to feel each other to discover who they were.
"You are all covered in warm soft fur and have big ears," said the frog.
"Then I must be a rabbit! And you, you are all cold and slimy and covered in warts, and you have bulging eyes."
"No... no... that means I must be... a lawyer."

October 31, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Job Search:

A retired friend went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."
"The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana, that's about 550 miles from here."
"Good grief, is that where the job is?"
"No sir that's where the end of the line is right now.

October 30, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Mommy:

Mommy walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste. 

"What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed. 

"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."

October 29, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

New Rules for being Politically Incorrect:

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations, and releases from jail. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.


New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates. com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.


New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blond teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: LUCKY BASTARDS.


New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.


New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.


New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.


New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security and ObamaCare crisis.


New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the butthole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge Butthole.


New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.


New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just an idiot.


New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."


New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.


New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be their, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.


New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not an aged cheese or wine.

October 28, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

A Conversation Between Two Women In Heaven:

1st Woman: Hi! My name is Maggie.
2nd Woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st Woman: I froze to death.
2nd Woman: How horrible!
1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack because I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st Woman: So what happened?
2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and then down into the basement. I went through each closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

October 27, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Bear:



In this life I'm a woman.
In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.


When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.


Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.


When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.


You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.


If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.


He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.


Yup...gonna be a bear.

October 26, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

DUI:


One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him.
As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


October 24, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

School Answering Machine:

A funny but TRUE Story
No wonder some people were offended. 
This is the message the Pacific Palisades High School in California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. 

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their childrens absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their childrens failing grades changed to passing grades though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school:


"Hello!  You have reached the automatic answering service of your school. 
In order to assist you in connecting the right staff person, please listen to all your options before making a selection.

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1


To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teacher's fault for your child's lack of effort ...
 
...  hang up and have a nice day!

October 23, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Undercover:

Two undercover police officers assigned to the organized crime unit were overlooking a bloody mob hit scene. The victim had six-gun shot wounds to the back of the head.
One cop looks at the other and utters, "Worst case of suicide I've ever seen."


October 22, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Reasons For A Girl To Choose A Dog and Not A Man:
A dog has long been a man's best friend.
Few women have a problem with that.
But when a popular magazine devoted to the hunting, shooting, and fishing suggested 50 reasons why dogs are better than women, it started the paw wars.

So here are the reasons ladies you need to run out and get a dog....

Spots are an attractive feature on a dog.

A dog is better protection from intruders.

Dogs enjoy ball games. But they don't spend six hours on the phone trying to get tickets for World Series.

Dogs greet each other by sniffing their bottoms. Men on the other hand are far less polite.

Puppy love doesn't wear off so quickly with a dog.

You can be prosecuted for neglecting a dog.

Dogs can’t go to jail for being Pedophiles.

Dogs can find their way back home even after a really heavy night out.

Dogs can be trained not to lie on the bed. Men always lie in bed.

A dog can molt without becoming obsessed about premature baldness.

Dogs can be taught the meaning of the word "NO!"

A dog is far less irritation to have in the back seat of a car and will be less likely to show its rear end to the people in the vehicle behind for a laugh.

Elizabeth Hurley has a faithful dog that she loves dearly. I wonder how affectionate that dog really is?

Dogs will wait patiently outside clothes shops and not criticize your purchases afterwards.

A dog will fetch the morning paper for you.

A dog will trot faithfully round at your heels.

Dogs don't break wind in public and blame it on the woman.

In the canine world, boxers are quite intelligent.

If a dog gets ill, it won't take eighteen Tylenol in order to avoid having to go to the vet.

You can also ask the vet to perform the snip, even if the dog objects.

Small, ginger-haired dogs can be quite appealing. As for men? Two words. Robin Cook.

You can find a nice dog by advertising on a card in a shop window, or in the classified section of the local paper.

A woman can live with more than one dog, without rumors starting.

When dogs beg, it's cute. When men beg it's pathetic.

A dog will sometimes dig the garden.

A dog can go out foxhunting without being incredibly stuck up and pompous.

Dogs don't necessarily prefer blondes.

Dogs won't get embarrassed if you call them by a pet name when their friends are around.

Dogs travel more cheaply on the bus.

Dogs whine less.

Some dogs can be quite talented at singing.

Men lost the World Cup. A dog found it.

Dogs are less reliant on tinned food but after a few cans, a dog will still be able to stand up.

And there are some things even a dog won't drink - like the remains of a three-day-old warm flat beer that they found on the floor behind the sofa.

You can leave a dog alone in your house without worrying so much about what it'll break.

A dog doesn't care if you're fat!

A dog gets a new coat every winter.

Dogs are not so careless about leaving puddles on the bathroom floor.

A dog is less likely to leave a filthy, stinking mess for you to clear up.

For a dog, a wet nose is a sign of GOOD health.

Men are even less useful for testing cosmetics on.

Dogs don't wolf-whistle.

There are still thousands of totally undomesticated dogs in Australia; but far more undomesticated men.

Your dog will never refer to you as 'a bitch'.

In disaster films, the dog is always far more likely to have a miraculous escape.

Dogs do not waste money betting on the dogs.

You can stop dogs getting too randy by throwing a bucket of water on them.

People watch the TV Show ‘Lassie’ for the dog.

If a dog starts worrying sheep, that's just its natural predatory instinct. If a MAN starts worrying sheep, however...we have a more serious problem.

A 'King Charles' is much more likely to be a big, floppy-eared dog than a big floppy-eared man.

You can also call a dog shiatsu without offending it.

"Working like a dog" is strenuous. Working like a man is, ah not.

You can fondle your dog in the park without being arrested.

A dog will encourage you to lose weight by taking more exercise. A man will just remark on how big your ass looks.

Dogs do not attack other dogs for being a different color.

Having a dog around the place can actually ease stress.

You'd feel guilty about turning a dog out on the street.

A dog can take a barrel of brandy to a lost hiker without drinking ANY.

There aren't so many good reasons to keep a dog muzzled in public.

You can buy a dog's affection with a squeaky toy.

A dog will be eager to walk, rather than getting a taxi.

Most dogs are really good with children.

Dogs have a highly developed sense of smell. Men, on the other hand, can quite happily wear the same pair of pants for weeks.

A dog is more useful for tracking down criminals.

Ever body cried when Old Yeller got shot!

A dog might actually take a bath of its own accord.

There's more chance of your dog being able to operate the video recorder.

You can buy a choke chain for a dog.

A 16-year-old dog is very mature.

A dog is easier to keep well groomed.

Dogs have more chance of receiving an award for bravery.

Dogs are easier to house-train.

Dogs do not scratch themselves so much in polite company.

A dog can look as though it understands what you're saying.

Dogs went into space first.

A man will roll over and play dead only if you ask him to get up and make coffee.

Dogs enjoy swimming, and not for the chance to ogle girls in bikinis.

Being a dog's mistress is no reason to feel ashamed.

You can keep your dog tied up if it starts misbehaving.

Saggy skin and a hangdog look aren't half as appealing on a man.

You can train a dog to obey.

A dog in a studded collar isn't kinky.

Few men would answer to 'Lassie'.

A dog is a pack animal. A man is a six-pack animal.

Dogs spend the day sniffing drugs only if they're with the police.

Dogs aren't obsessed with 'doing it man-fashion'.

A dog is a faithful companion.

A dog is for life.

When your hungry, kill the dog and pop it in the microwave.

Even a DOG can get a credit card.

A woman can have sex with a dog and it will never tell. It also can keep a hard on for an hour.

October 21, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

A Mother:

A mother traveled 2,000 miles to be with her only son on the day 
he was to receive his Air Force wings and also get married.

"It was wonderful," she said later. "It isn't every day that a 
mother watches her son receive his wings in the morning and have 
them clipped in the evening."


October 20, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Life’s Secret:



An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him.
"Sir, what is the secret of your long life?" 


The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."


The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"


The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."

October 19, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

KFC Hillary Clinton Special:

Two Fat Thighs, two small breasts, and a left wing for just $3.99

October 16, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

United Way Donations:

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you have not given a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"


Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."


"...or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" 


The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"


The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."


On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "...so, if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

October 15, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

We Noticed:

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket.
Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why. 


"As a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced." 


As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that. 


"Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands." 


We replied, "I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in?" 


"Well," replied the waiter, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!"

October 14, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

The Gymnast:

"How's that gymnast girlfriend of yours these days?" a guy asked his buddy.
"Oh man, she's so fine, and in great shape! She's been working on developing really concentrated muscle tone."
"Oh Yeah? Which muscle is she toning up?", he asks.
"Mine." he answers with a big smile!

October 13, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Lost His Wallet:

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, low and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification.
Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by a Mexican Customs Agent at the Tijuana border.
"May I see your identification, por favor, seƱor?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.
"Si, amigo, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," said the agent.
"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaimed.
"I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Hillary Clinton tattooed on the other."
"This I must see," replied the agent.
With that, the American dropped his pants and bent over in front of the agent.
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, you're right!" exclaimed the agent.
"Have a safe trip back to Chicago, Senor."
"Thanks!" he said. "But why do you think I'm from Chicago ?"
The agent replied, "I recognized Barack Obama in the middle!

October 12, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Worst Country Western Song Titles:

The Problem, These are REAL .....

Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?

I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral

I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

I Wanna Whip Your Cow

I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!

I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your
Welfare Line

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low

If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You

If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

My Every Day Silver Is Plastic

My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You

Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill

She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty

Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone

They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In

You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too

You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd

You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life

You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

I Backed My Pickup Over My Dawg The Day You Backed Outta My Life

October 10, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh:

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional.. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient..'
'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, but, in a few moments, she was able to regain her composure.
'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen,' Fred replied.
She ran out of the room.

October 9, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Met on the Singles Cruise:

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed
fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

October 8, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Grandma:

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where 
the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. 

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she
 needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to
 the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
 stuffed pillows on her right.
 A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again
 the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again
 grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. 
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi
 Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew, "They won't let me fart." 

October 7, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Lucky Strike:



A little boy and girl were walking along a trail in 
the woods.
The little girl noticed that some of the 
animals were behaving oddly.


"Little boy, why is that rabbit on top of the other one?" 
she asked.
The little boy stops to consider his answer, 
and replies,
"They're making cigarettes."
"Cigarettes!" she 
says, as they continue walking along. 


Pretty soon they approach a couple of raccoons. The 
little girl asked, "Are they making cigarettes too"?
"Yes" says the little boy.
The little girl looks around and says,
"It looks like all the animals are making cigarettes".
" Why don't we make cigarettes too?", she asked. 


The little boy was quick to say "Ok !!"


A short time latter the little boy and the little girl were walking out of the woods, when she asked, "Little Boy, what kind of cigarettes did we make?"
The little boy stops to think about his answer, then replies,
”Well if you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if you 
don't it's a Lucky Strike."

October 6, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Morning Pee:

The ramblings of a disturbed male mind who authored this was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom where he was taking a pee at the time....

Madam,
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the mens washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that a man's penis has a mind of its own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay.
Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us poor guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".
Most mornings we guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look honey, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time."
OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with my "morning wood".
Well it's very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if I am sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when I start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of my legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat.
This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.
We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault it's just Mother Nature.

Important Note - if you ladies service the woody before the pee routine, then I can sit down like you want!

October 5, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Little Boy or a Little Shit:

A dumb ass little boy is walking down a narrow path in the woods on his way to his Grandma’s house when he sees a pile of shit in his path.
He stops, walks around it a few times, looks hard and says. “This looks like a pile of shit!”
Not being totally convinced, he bends down, sticks his face almost right into it and says, “Yep, it smells like shit to.”
Still he is not convinced, so he drops his pants, sticks his middle finger up his ass, and compares the color. He says, “The color is the same, it looks like shit.”
He then decides to take his clean index finger and taste the substance in the pile.
He says, “It tastes like shit to.”
He ponders for a few moments and says, “YEP, there is no doubt about it, this is a pile of shit !!”
Stepping over it and continuing on his way, he stops, looks back and says,
“It’s a good thing I didn’t step in it, Grandma would have been so mad.”

October 3, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

My Father, The Whorehouse Piano Player:

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
Timmy, you're first, she said.
What does your mother do all day?
Timmy stood up and proudly said, She's a doctor.
That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.
Thank you, Amie, said the teacher.
What about your father, Billy?
Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays the piano in a whorehouse.
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.
Billy's father answered the door.
The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old

October 2, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Rich and Poor:

A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for their anniversary.
The Rich Man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz.
The Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?"
The Rich Man replies, "Well, in case she doesn’t like the diamond necklace, she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."
The Poor Man acknowledges the rich man's answer then proceeds to tell him what he got his wife. "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo."
With a confused and intrigued look, the Rich Man asks, "Why did you buy her those gifts?"
The Poor Man replies,
"Well, in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go fuck herself."

October 1, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Occupation Please:

A prostitute goes into the tax preparer to get her tax form done.
"Okay," says the tax guy, "We need to list your profession for income purposes."
"Well," she says, "It’s Prostitution."
"No, No Lady, we can't put that down!" the tax guy says.
"Oh well, then a hooker," she says.
"Hell No, the IRS still won't accept that."
So she thinks for a minute and replies, "Chicken Farmer."
"Chicken Farmer?" says the tax guy.
"Sure," she says, "I raised over 200 cocks last year!"

September 30, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Sausage:

Janey was walking down North Main Street in Danville.
As she walked past the delicatessen, she glanced into the shop window.
There, nestled in amongst the salami, was a sign proclaiming "Fresh from Warsaw-World's Largest Sausage."
Hanging on a large hook above it, was the most enormous sausage she had ever seen.
It must've been at least eight inches in diameter, and two feet long.
"That's a two-man zeppelin, not a sausage," she thought. "Oh well, I'll try anything once."
So she walked into the shop, heaved the 20 lb. monster down off the hook and, plunking it down on the counter, presented it to the shopkeeper, who immediately wrestled it onto the machine and started slicing it up.
"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" cried Janey in dismay.
"What do you think I am? A slot machine?"

September 29, 2009

New Joks of the Day

The Old Doctor:

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out in the countryside there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old boy.
The doctor instructed the little boy to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The boy did so.
The mother pushed; and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
The little boy responded, "Spank his ass again. He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place."

September 28, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Rich But Stupid:

There was this rich blonde girl, who went to the nearest Mercedes showroom with her father’s credit card, and came out with the latest model. 

Half an hour later she was back at the showroom, claiming that the car they sold her was terrible, that she was disappointed a brand-new Mercedes Benz would get a fault in the gearbox 15 minutes after driving it.
The management apologized and gave her a new car.

Again, after half an hour she came back.
The management offered her another new car, but sent along one of their engineers to see if he could figure out what the problem was.
She put in the first gear... sped up... put in second... third... fourth... fifth....
“And now,” she said, “for the rocket,” and threw it in reverse.

September 25, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Reasons For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us:


15. A little too much self-enjoyment while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.

14. Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all." 


13. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego Blocks. 


12. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stock Boy" display.


11. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer and diesel fuel. 


10. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" editions.


9. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling. 


8. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct. 


7. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again. 


6. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe. 


5. Jaws of Life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.


4. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Playdoh."


3. Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.


2. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Elmo in a gay leather bar. 


1. Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid - I'm on a break."

September 24, 2009

New Joks of the Day

A Viagra Question:

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.

She asked: "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take three," he answered.

September 23, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Microsoft and Harley Davidson to Merge:

The Board of Directors of the Microsoft Corporation, the world's largest computer software provider, and the Harley-Davidson Motor Company, America's largest manufacturer of heavyweight motorcycles, have voted to approve a merger that will create one of the world's largest but strangest multinational corporations.

"When you think about it, it only makes sense," said Harley-Davidson Director of Communications. "We both share the same fundamental design philosophies: Our products are large, antiquated, slow, full of bugs and break down at the most unexpected moments. We like to think of this as a natural marriage as synergy."

The new company will be known as Micro-Davidson and based neither in Redmond, Washington nor Milwaukee, Wisconsin but somewhere in between. Company representatives have been scouting sites along the Wyoming/South Dakota borders. Instead of moving to an existing township, the cash-rich conglomerate plans to build its own. Micro-Davidson reps denied a rumor that they plan to petition Congress for statehood, but told Motorcycle Online that buying a few counties is not out of the question.

Micro-Davidson will trade simultaneously on both the NYSE and Nasdaq stock exchanges under the symbol WERULE. Financial details of the merger have not been made public but it is expected to be a stock for stock exchange.
Currently in the works is an entirely new motorcycle model, the first from the new M-D to be named the MicroHog. The new cruiser will be powered by a brand new engine, the Twin Cam 95.1 an air-cooled, push rod V-Twin containing an Intel Pentium IV processor that will automatically load Internet Explorer upon thumbing the starter button and overwrite all competing browsers while disabling most non-genuine Harley-Davidson parts.

Following Microsoft's example, MicroHogs will not be owned outright by the purchaser, but rather licensed for personal use. Upgrades will be available, the price of which depends on the market.

M-D's software side will receive some pointers from the former Motor Company as well. "Instead of that soft, shrill squeak you hear when you boot your computer or open a new program, you will now hear a loud rumble and your keyboard will vibrate," said a rep from Harley.

For more information, please contact The Hells Angels Public Relations Spokesperson or the nearest geek with a moped.



//// If you believed this posting you need to seek out a competent psychiatrist who rides a Yamaha and consults to Apple Computers. \\\\\


September 22, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Vaseline Research:

A man doing market research knocks on a door and is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

The man says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Have you ever used the product?"

The woman replies, "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
 inquires the man.
"We use it for sex." says then woman.

Taken aback, the researcher says, "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire your honesty. Since you've been so honest, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

September 21, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Worker Excuse Fails:

Surprisingly, my boss refuses to accept 'the early bird catches the worm' as a valid excuse for leaving work every day at 2:00 pm.

September 18, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Perfect Exercise Program:


Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this year.
You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become
more proficient.
It may be too strenuous for some.
 


AS ALWAYS, CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.


NOW SCROLL DOWN...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 



































NOW SCROLL UP...
 
That's enough for the first day!


September 17, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Vet:

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

 asks the man.
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, the vet says "I'm going to have to put him down."


"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

 asks the bewildered man.

"No, because he's really heavy." answers the vet!

September 16, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Moose Call:

Every winter two hunters went moose hunting without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.
They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull moose, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

September 15, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Woman’s Body:

A woman’s body has five rooms ....
Her FACE – the Showroom
Her BOOBS – the Playroom
Her TUMMY – the Store Room
Her VAGINA – the Men's Room
Her ANUS – the Emergency Room


emailed to me last night by: Jack

September 14, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Mother Superior:

Mother Superior called a young novice into her office one evening.
Now dear, I want you to give the Father his nightly bath. You are to do as he tells you and be sure to report to me in the morning, she said.
The novice agreed to do as she was told and went to prepare the Priest bath.
Doing as she was told, the novice washed the Father's hair and back. While she was doing this, the Father told the novice that he had the key to heaven. The Father told her that if his key to heaven fit her gate, she would be saved.

The next morning the novice entered Mother Superior's office. 

So how did it go last night dear? He didn't try anything on you, did he? she asked. 

Oh, Mother, it was wonderful! I did exactly as you told me to and when I was giving him his bath he told me he has the KEY TO HEAVEN!
I was amazed, and he went on to tell me that if his key fit my gate, I would be saved. And Mother, his key FIT my gate! And it was the most beautiful thing in the world! 

And the Mother Superior replied, Damn that man! He told me it was Gabriel's horn and I've been blowing it for the past 40 years!

September 13, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Old and Lonely:

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed 
a pet to keep her company.
So off to the pet shop she went.

She searched and searched but nothing seemed to catch her  interest, except this ugly frog.
As she walked by the jar the frog was in, she looked and 
he winked at her.

The frog whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you wont be sorry." 

The old lady figured, what the heck, she hadn't found anything else she wanted for a pet.

She bought the frog and put him in the car.

While driving down the road the frog whispered to her "Kiss me and you wont be sorry."

So the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog. 

Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince. 

The prince then kissed the old lady back, and guess what the old lady turned into????

Well come on guess.

She turned into the nearest motel because she's old and lonely not dead!

September 11, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Mother and Sex:

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. 
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status she hurriedly consulted the family doctor. 

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
The doctor then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control pills, and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. 

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan."

September 10, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Is Windows a virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:

1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system -- okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2 above) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So, therefore, in conclusion Windows is not a virus.

September 9, 2009

New Joks of the Day

The Vibrating Husband:



As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a 
strange buzzing noise coming from within.
Opening the door, she observed
 her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.


Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"


The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this
 thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
 leave me alone."


The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other
 side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he observed his
 daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.


To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm
 thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll 
ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."


A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the
 groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that same buzzing noise coming
 from, of all places, the family room.
She entered that area and observed
 her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next
 to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

 The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"


The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

September 8, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Appearance Insults:

Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?


Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Like a death at a birthday party, you ruin all the fun...

He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard.


She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight potbelly.

She loves 'NATURE' - In spite of what it did to her.


Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder? 


When she comes into a room, the mice jump on chairs.


I don't want you to turn the other cheek - it's just as ugly.


Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday.


See, that's what's meant by dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's somewhat handsome.


Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!


I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission! 


September 5, 2009

New Joks of the Day

The Old Widow:

Two old widows named Sue and Lou get married.
They are up there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick.
They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding night.


After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel.
Both are very nervous.
Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other.
In the process, Sue, the old woman, removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass.

 Then she removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall. She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and Lou is intently watching as Sue continues.
Sue removes her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand.


Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and Lou continues to stare in an interested manner.


As Sue takes off her wig, she realizes that Lou is not making much progress in getting undressed.
He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her.


She asks him, "What are you waiting for?"


Lou quickly replies, "You know what I want. Now take it off and throw it over here!”

September 4, 2009

New Joks of the Day

The Difference between Dogs and Cats:

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
I must be a GOD!

September 3, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Worried Woman Sees Doctor:

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time.
She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate.
In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor.
Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang. 
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and he said,
"Take off all your grothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor." 
She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said,
"Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease, uh in fact worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem." 

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was.
Dr. replied, "Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!"

September 2, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Woooo:

Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking in the woods, 
when all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a 
small cave.


Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answer, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.


The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?

"No," said the Indian.
"It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.
If they get an
answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."


Just then they saw another cave.
The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was an answer "Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave.

He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.


The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he
came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the 
huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is 
bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
 "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, 
and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! 
WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.


The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....
 

(Get ready, this will kill ya) ......

"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN"

September 1, 2009

New Joks of the Day

Filler Up:


A lady was filling her fuel tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to.
The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands and one arm
.
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put the fire out, but she just kept running and screaming.
All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her.
This took everyone by surprise.
The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."