July 30, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Not So Stupid:

A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk.
The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."
"Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber.
Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!"
The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice.
Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand.
The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."
After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime.
Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."

July 29, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Not Really:

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and tells him that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." 

She takes her finger and pushes on her elbow and screams in agony.
She then pushes on her knee and screams, pushes on her ankle and screams...and so it goes. No matter where she touches her agony is apparent.

The doctor says "You're not really a brunette, are you? You're really a blonde." 

She sheepishly admits that indeed she is a blonde. 

"I thought so," he says, "your finger is broken."

July 28, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Nobody Listens Anymore:

The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."

"Your Honor," the criminal replied, "That's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."

July 27, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

No Fear:
One Sunday an old biker walks into church and sits down in the front row.
As the preacher is beginning his sermon, the devil suddenly appears at the altar.
The members of the congregation, including the preacher himself, flee the church in terror, all except for this one old biker in the front row.

The devil notices this one biker still in the church and walks down from the altar to confront him.
He roars at the man, "Do you know who I am?" 

"Why of course I know who you are," the man calmly replies.
"You're Satan." 

"And you're not afraid of me like the others?" the devil asks somewhat miffed. 

To which the biker replies, "No. Why should I be? I've been married to your sister for the last 25 years."

July 26, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Nice Catch:

During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused.
Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through the crowd and shouted to the women.
He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely.
After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop.

The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered.
At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and yelled, "TOUCHDOWN!!"

July 23, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

My Mother Warned Me About Men:

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" 

The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher. 

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

July 22, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Museum Curator:

The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of “Custer's Last Thought.”
The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset during the debacle at the Little Big Horn.

Deep in thought, the artist went to his studio.
After many false starts, he proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting.
Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator.
In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fish's head is a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating.

The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees.
In a rage he turns to the artist and asks, “What the hell has this got to do with George Armstrong Custer's Last Thought?”

The artist replied, “It's simple. Custer's last thought had to have been: Holy Mackerel! Where did all these fucking Indians come from?”

July 21, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

My Dick Is So Big:

My dick is so big, it's sleeping.
My dick is so big, it has it’s own Zip Code.
My dick is so big, it has to be wheeled in on a fort lift at the sperm bank.
My dick is so big, James Bond is using it as a secret weapon in his next movie.
My dick is so big, that when I fucked my wife her mother got pregnant.
My dick is so big, they named a frozen yogurt after it, Creamy Sticky Custard Curd.
My dick is so big, that people stand under to get out of the rain.
My dick is so big, the U.S. Marines used it as a super cannon in the last Iraq War.
My dick is so big, they want to display it at the Olympics.
My dick is so big, that when I was young my momma used it to make sour mash whiskey.
My dick is so big, that Britney Spears wants to use it in her next MTV video.
My dick is so big, that J-Lo can’t marry anyone, she can’t get it out of her mind ever since she saw it.
My dick is so big, the last time I masturbated I was fined for disturbing the peace.
My dick is so big, I used it for a car jack to change my flat tire.
My dick is so big, that all the young girls give me candy just to play with it.
My dick is so big, I once killed a Grizzly Bear with it.
My dick is so big, it has tonsils.
My dick is so big, it can only be measured in theory.
My dick is so big, it has a horizon.
My dick is so big, I can fuck the ocean.
My dick is so big, sometimes it jerks me off.
My dick is so big, FedEx won't insure it.
My dick is so big it was impeached by Congress
My dick is so big, it's got its own gang sign.
My dick is so big, it could eat a horse.
My dick is so big, Florida had to measure it twice.
My dick is so big, it snubbed the Oscars.
My dick is so big, it has gaskets.
My dick is so big, it has a north pole
My dick is so big, it killed its ex-wife and got away with it
My dick is so big, I rent it out for Weddings and Bar-Mitzvahs.
My dick is so big, it's not just famous, it’s Infamous.
My dick is so big, it has a stunt double.
My dick is so big, you must be at least 48" tall to ride.
My dick is so big, that I look like its dick in front of it!
My dick is so big, one side never sees the sun - it's the dark side of my dick.
My dick is so big, it has a vanity plate.
My dick is so big, It needs a car wash to get cleaned.
My dick is so big, it has a nucleus.
My dick is so big, it has a drink named after it. It's called Slow Gin Dick.
My dick is so big, that there's not enough earth to bury me in.
My dick is so big, "Oh Yeah" is its theme song.
My dick is so big, compasses do not function properly around it.
My dick is so big, it was framed for murder as part of an intricate prescription drug scandal.
My dick is so big, the Pope has blessed it.
My dick is so big, Al Gore invited it to the Whitehouse to embarrass Clinton.
My dick is so big, it’s making a guest appearance on the History Channel.
My dick is so big, premature ejaculation takes ninety minutes.
My dick is so big, it was on a Wheaties box.
My dick is so big, the Romans named their God, Simplyvs Hvges Giganticvs Erectia Dickvs, after it.
My dick is so big, it has a commemorative stamp.
My dick is so big, it has its own entourage.
My dick is so big, I have to sell it wholesale.
My dick is so big, it has stretch marks.
My dick is so big, it's wanted in nine states, and Canada.
My dick is so big, it's getting its own State Quarter.
My dick is so big, it sleeps with one eye open.
My dick is so big, they cold run the Indy 500 on it, with no turns.
My dick is so big, it has training wheels.
My dick is so big, someone once used it as a lifeline on, "Who wants to be a Millionaire?"
My dick is so big, my erections cause a total eclipse.
My dick is so big, black people be sayin' he got a big ass dick.
My dick is so big, I use it to spear fish.
My dick is so big, VH1 did a "Behind the Music" about it.
My dick is so big, when I get aroused, the Earth develops an elliptical orbit!
My dick is so big, it's in a boy band with four other big dicks.
My dick is so big, it's a government scapegoat.
My dick is so big, it has its own seat in Congress.
My dick is so big, it's worshipped as a Pagan God.
My dick is so big, I can change channels without the remote.
My dick is so big, I can smuggle 14 kilos of crack, 9 stolen cars, and 5 illegal immigrants across the border in it.
My dick is so big it sank the Titanic.
My dick is so big, it's the opening act for KISS's farewell tour.
My dick is so big, the government is suing it for anti-trust violation.
My dick is so big, it went condo.
My dick is so big, if I were a porn star, I could only do movies in wide screen cinema.
My dick is so big, it has its own fraternity, Delta Theta Cock.
My dick is so big, it has an ego.
My dick is so big, it has its own line of hip hop clothing.
My dick is so big, I have to stand in the hall when I take a piss.
My dick is so big, it won the Nobel Peace Prize.
My dick is so big, Scott Adams writes a cartoon about it. It's called "Dickbert."
My dick is so big, it played Daddy Warbucks on Broadway.
My dick is so big, it gives me an allowance.
My dick is so big, it's a tax write-off.
My dick is so big, it's a bouncer at The Boiler Room.
My dick is so big, it's sectional.
My dick is so big, the man always be tryin' to keep it down.
My dick is so big, it hangs out on the set of "Friends."
My dick is so big, I can play mailbox baseball while driving.
My dick is so big, Alan Greenspan uses it to raise interest rates.
My dick is so big, I decorate it at Christmas time.
My dick is so big, if I didn't sleep on my side, planes would crash into it at night.
My dick is so big, the doctor had to use a chainsaw to circumcise me.
My dick is so big, Calvin Klein named a fragrance after it. It's called CK My Dick!
My dick is so big, I have to use a complex irrigation system just to take a piss.
My dick is so big, it used to be a Harlem Globetrotter.
My dick is so big, it stormed the beach at Normandy.
My dick is so big, it affects the weather.
My dick is so big, it's my boss.
My dick is so big, it gets manicures.
My dick is so big, it has an axle.
My dick is so big, it has a brain.
My dick is so big, it has a reinforced foundation.
My dick is so big, many consider it the Eighth Wonder of the World.
My dick is so big, girls call it Santa Claus.
My dick is so big, it has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
My dick is so big, it can stand up.
My dick is so big, I can fuck a volcano.
My dick is so big, I have to stow it in the overhead bin on planes.
My dick is so big, it has it's own time zone - central dick time.
My dick is so big, it has it was recently split into two area codes.
My dick is so big, it's an element.
My dick is so big, it could feed Ethiopia for a month.
My dick is so big, it has a moon.
My dick is so big, it’s famous for inventing the Internet Cntrl Alt Delete Key.
My dick is so big, it’s in the Who’s Who of VIP’s, Very Important Penis.

July 20, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Murphy's Police Laws:

1. Bullet Proof' vests aren't.

2. The speed at which you respond to a fight call 
is inversely proportional to how long you've been 
a cop.

3. High-speed chases will always proceed from an 
area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy 

4. If you know someone who tortures animals and 
wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works 
for Internal Affairs. 

5. Flash suppressors don't really.

6. If you have 'cleared' all the rooms and met no 
resistance, you and your entry team have probably 
kicked in the door of the wrong house. 

7. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an 
area of few available weapons (living room), to an 
area with many available weapons (kitchen). 

8. If you have just punched out a handcuffed 
prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to 
become a star on `Eyewitness News'. 

9. When a civilian sees a red light approaching 
at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into 
the lane the cop needs to use. 

10. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric 
center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes 
some dumb civilian will pull along side you and 
ask for directions.

11. You can never drive slow enough to please 
the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can 
never drive fast enough to please the ones who 

12. From behind you, the bad guys can see your 
night sights as well as you can.

13. The longer you've been a cop, the shorter 
your flashlight and your temper gets. 

14. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a 
good chance it will get you killed, you probably 
shouldn't do it. 

15. You should never do a shotgun search of a 
dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is 

16. The better you do your job, the more likely you 
are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, 
investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off. 

17. If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in 
a house, the Department will send one officer in a 
beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, 
they will send the entire S. W. A. T. Team.

July 19, 2010

Today's Daily Joke


There was a sloth that had just been mugged by a group of snails.
On the way to the police station, the officer started asking questions like they always do.
The first question was what did the snails look like?
The Sloth replied, "I don't remember it all happened so fast!"

July 16, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Mrs Jones:

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local

"Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep 
during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be 
able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at 
specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off.
Noticing this, the 
preacher put his plan to work.

"And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs.

" Jesus!"
Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again.
Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
 your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off.
However, this time the minister
 did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
 motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband
 with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him
 his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that god damned thing
 in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation !!

July 15, 2010

Today's Daily Joke


My wife said to me the other day I want a Jaguar.
I simply replied, If only it could eat all of you in one feeding I get you one.

July 14, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Mr Manager:

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked.
"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."
"Good. Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.

July 13, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Mothers Shouldn’t Lie:

A little girl and her mother are walking through the park one day when they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says "Mommy what are 
they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm.....they are making cakes." 

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother "what are they are doing?"
The mother replies with the same response, "making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, right"
Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know that?"
The little girl says, 
"Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

July 12, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Discussion: 

An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep, but his wife was in 
a romantic mood and wanted to talk. 

She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were 
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a 
second and tried to get back to sleep. 

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss 
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck 
on the cheek and settled back to sleep. 

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to 
bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. 

"Where are you going?" she asked. 

He answered, "To get my teeth."

July 8, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

More Kid Talk:
answers you get from kids when you ask them a question may surprise you .....

What ingredients are fathers made of?
Daddies are made of baseballs, basketballs, and footballs. Oh, and my uncle is also made of golf.

What kind of little boy was your dad?
He used to cheat and lie sometimes, but now he’s a lawyer and a damn good one.

What is love?
It’s that first feeling you feel before all that other stuff gets in the way.

What is love like?
Love is like when you go out and give somebody most of your French Fries without making them give you anything of theirs.

Where does love come from?
Love comes from people’s hearts, but God made hearts.

Why did God give your mother and not some other mom?
God gave me my mom because she had me in her tummy for a long, long time. She earned me.

Why did your mom marry your dad?
My grandma says mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Do you know the names of any Angels?
I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold Angels.

July 7, 2010

Today's Daily Joke


A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them each a test.
He gives each woman a present of $5000.00 cash and watches to see what they do with their money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was very impressed.

The second woman goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new electronic gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.00 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then ... he ... very logically ... married the one with the largest boobs and tightest round ass.

Surely you weren't thinking men have changed.

July 6, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Mood Ring:

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood, it turns orange......
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead!!

July 5, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Mixing Electricity and Sex is Nuts:

A True Story ....
MALAGA, Spain: There's a fine line between getting freaky
in the bedroom and getting downright dangerous. A German man
ended up killing himself after experiments with a homemade
sex toy went horribly wrong. The body of the 65-year-old man
was found in a rented apartment after he was reported missing
by a female acquaintance. Pushing the limits of masturbation,
the man applied the electrodes of an adapted voltmeter to his
genitals. The autopsy revealed that the man died from a heart
attack triggered by the electric shock. Foul play was ruled
out after police found the man lying on his bed with the
television on and a porn movie in the VCR.

July 2, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Missing Car:

A policeman is walking his beat when he finds a totally drunk man collapsed against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his hands. He's moaning something about 'They took my car!'.
Seeing he is quite well dressed, the cop thinks he may have a real case of theft on his hands and proceeds to question the man.
"What are your car keys doing out?"
"My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards stole it! Please ossifer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; right on my key!"
"OK, OK, stand up, let's get some more information. (he stands the man up, and notices his penis is hanging out). Aw shit mister, your dick is hanging out, would you put that thing away!"
The man looks down, sees his prick hanging there and screams, "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend too!"

July 1, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Missing Person:

One day a Country Sheriff had a report of a missing black person, and the last place the man was seen was at the side of the river.

After dredging the river they found the missing man, and had about 80 feet of log chains tied around him.

Taken back slightly, the Sheriff shrugged, and said, "Ain't that just like a nigga...tryin' to steal more chains than he can carry."