June 30, 2010

Today's Daily Joke


A miner goes into town after several months of very hard work. When he gets to town, he decides to go to the local whorehouse unload some pent up frustrations.
He picks out a whore, takes her to her room, and she gives him a skillful blow-job.
When she's done, she reaches under the bed, pulls out a big mason jar and spits his wad into it.
"What the hell is THAT for?" he asks.
"Well", she says..."Me and my girlfriend have a running contest. Whoever has more at the end of the week...gets to drink both jars."

June 29, 2010

Today's Daily Joke


Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.
The first woman said, "My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that."
The second woman proclaimed, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but I like that."
The third woman replied, "Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be when I get it."

June 28, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Mickey and Minnie Mouse Divorce:

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for a divorce proceeding. The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"
Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not??!!"
The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"
Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honor! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was fucking Goofy!

June 25, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Mental Patients:

Bob and David were both patients in a Mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Bob
 suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him. He swam to the bottom of the
 pool and pulled Bob out.
The medical director came to know of David's
 heroic act.

He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the Mental
 Hospital, as he considered him to be OK.
The Doctor said, "We have good
 news and bad news for you, David!"

"The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have
 regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another
 patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient
 whom you saved, Bob, hung himself in the bathroom and died."

David replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to

June 24, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Mental Institution:

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. 

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. 

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."
"Great," replied the nurse. 

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself.

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" 

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

June 23, 2010

Today's Daily Joke


There was a man named George who got a new job.
His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10 am Saturday morning.
George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late. 
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10 am. He golfed right handed and won the round.

Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf’s left handed, and wins the round.
This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. 

The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.
They said, "George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?"

George replies, "Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed." 

"Well," one of the employees questioned, "What happens if she is laying on her back?"
George replies, "Then I am 10 minutes late."

June 22, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Male Virgin:

A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex.
When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy.

"Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course," he explained.
"This girl really knows how to go from there."

The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the coed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. 
On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy." 

"I would, too," the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"

June 21, 2010

Today's Daily Joke


Have you seen the Malaysian-produced automobile called a 'Kancil', that small little 600cc car?
Well Dr M really wanted to sell them in the U.S., so Dr M paid a visit to the White House.
After finishing formal discussions with Clinton, Dr M checks with Bill to find out if there is a way to sell the Kancil in USA.
After having looked at the brochure, Bill said, 'You know, I think this Kuncheel is too small for us Americans.'
Not one who gives up easily, Dr M persisted and finally Clinton offered, 'Ok, take this number down. This guy is my good buddy and he's also the CEO of the biggest compact car distributor in North America'.
Dr M was satisfied with the meeting and returns to Malaysia.
The next day he called the number and a lady answered, 'TOYS'R'US', can I help you?'

Note: Malaysia is a Muslim country in southeast Asia next to Singapore.

June 18, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Makin Love:

The Italian says,
"When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy."

The Frenchman replies,
"Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss allze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The Redneck says,
"That aint nuthin. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains.
She hits the freakin' ceiling.”

June 17, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Make Up Your Mind:

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her driver's license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

June 16, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Love Dress:

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.
"Oh, it needs ironing," he said.

June 15, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Lost Dog:

3 Legs,

Blind in left eye,

Missing right ear,

Tail broken, recently castrated.

Answers to the name - "LUCKY"

If found or seen, please call 1-800-not-here.

June 14, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Lone Ranger Joke # 2:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.

"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.

"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.

"My face sticky."

June 11, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Long Black Hearse:

A woman was leaving a 7-11 store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary Woman walking a pit bull (an aggressive type of dog) on a leash.
Behind her were 200 Women walking single file.

The Woman couldn't stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The Woman replied, "Well that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The Woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The Woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

June 10, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Little Johnny Is At It Again:

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Are you giving up?"

June 9, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Kids and Worms:

You have to appreciate this kids perspective on things...

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.   

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.   

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. 

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. 

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.    

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke – dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.

Fourth worm in soil - alive. 

So the Science teacher asked the class –
"What can you learn from this experiment?"

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms!"

June 8, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Beer Buddy Talk:

Two guys are talking about their favorite sex positions.
The first guy says, “I like her on top.”
The second guy says, “Nah I like the Rodeo Position.”
The first guy interested says, “I’ve never heard of that one, what is it?”
The second guy explains. Well it is the basic doggie position but as you start to get her aroused you whisper in her ear and say, “This is your sister’s favorite position.” As she starts to thrash about you hang on for dear life, go for the wild ride, and fuck her deep and hard until you explode inside her. Then you get up and run like hell!

June 4, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Two Lawyers:

Two Jewish lawyers, Myron and Thorn, were having a heated exchange during a trial.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench.
"Your Honor," said Myron, "I objected because my distinguished colleague Thorn was badgering the witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the Bill of Rights."
"Rubbish!" snapped Thorn. "I happen to know them by heart."
Myron rolled his eyes in disbelief.
"Do you now? Well, Thorn, I have a hundred dollars that says you can't even tell me the first few words."
Thorn smirked and accepted the challenge and began, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
"Damn," Myron interrupted, fishing the money from his pocket, "I didn't think you'd know it."

June 3, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Prisoner’s Letter:

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife.

Dear Husband,
"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter.

Dear Wife,
"Whatever you do, do not touch the back garden."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife.

Dear Husband,
"You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire backyard."

The prisoner wrote another letter back to his wife.

Dear Wife,
"Now is the very best time to plant the lettuce."

June 2, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

God and Adam:

One day God and Adam were walking through the garden.
God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.

"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."
Adam looks puzzled at God, "Lord, what is a kiss?"

God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"

"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again he asks, "Lord, what is caress?" 

God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss!
What's next?"

"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."
Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush.
A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

June 1, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Giving Up His Seat:

Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"Well, you've done the right thing," says Johnny's Mom.
"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."