May 28, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Employee Appraisal Time:

These quotes were taken from actual employee performance appraisals ...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the lens over the cap"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out other sperm"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

May 27, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

A Woman's Poem:

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.

My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

May 26, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Pin Puller:

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.
"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam."

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot.
In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.
In the heat the ctclinder exploded killing the fireman.

May 25, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Just for Appearances:

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.
So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

May 24, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Airport Security:

About The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security System -

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to 
hire a private investigator: Mr. Alan Pinkerton.
He was 
actually the beginning of the Secret Service.

Since that time the federal police authority has grown to a 
large number of three-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS (ICE), IRS, 

Now comes a proposal for another agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security

Can't you just see it now, the new service in their black outfits
 with their initials in large white letters across their backs?


Wow and the 'The Men in Black (MIB)' thought they were something.

May 21, 2010

Today's Daily Joke


In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called naproxen.
Amoxil is called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were -
and of course ibepokin.

May 20, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Animal Logic:

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.
He took his faithful pet dog along for company.
One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doodoo now." (He was an Irish Setter!)....
Then the dog noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew", says the leopard." That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put his knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back yet!!"

May 19, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Robot:

The Japanese have finely come up with something useful.
They have invented the perfect woman, a robot with only five buttons:


May 18, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The only thing the I.R.S. has not taxed is the penis:

This is due to the fact that ...
40% of the time it's hanging around unemployed.
20% of the time it's pissed off.
30% of the time it's hard up.
10% of the time it is in the hole.
On top of all this, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Accordingly, Obama and the Liberal Looney Left have initiated a new tax, starting January 1, 2010, penises will be taxed according to size. To determine the category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on Page 2, Section 7, Line 3, of the standard 1040P form.
10 to 12 Inches = Luxury Tax $50.00 *
8 to 10 inches = Pole Tax $30.00
6 to 8 inches = Privilege Tax $15.00
4 to 6 inches = Nuisance Tax $5.00

PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

* Males exceeding 12 inches must also file Capital Gains. Sincerely, Pecker Checker 
Internal Revenue Service

Personal exemptions for males ages 18 to 25 who have 10 inches or more may be eligible. Michelle Obama will visit this issue one penis at a time!

May 17, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Old Man:

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

May 14, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Uncle Al’s Home Remedy Cures Everything:

4 tablespoons Tabasco juice
1/2 stick of butter
4 tablespoons concentrated lemon juice
1 teaspoon green food coloring
2 tablespoons horseradish sauce
1 teaspoon pepper
1 tablespoon of laxative
1 egg
1 tablespoon vinegar
1 tablespoon rum

There are no difficult instructions for Uncle Al's Home Remedy. You just mix it all together, so it's fun, fun, fun! You'll need someplace to keep your Home Remedy about the milk carton in the refrigerator? And don't forget, you'll need a Special Assistant to test whether your batch has Zing!
How about Kitty or Doggy?
They'll just love that big bold taste!

May 13, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Wooden Splinters:

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got a lot of splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters in her twat.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down!"

May 12, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

At Work:

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat of a conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense.

The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. 

"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?" 

"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

May 11, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Animal Diagnosis:

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. 
The vet rushes him back to the examination room and has him put his dog down on the exam table.
The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man is clearly agitated and not willing to accept this,
and demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat, and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a Black Labrador.
The Lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how 
much he owes?
The vet answers, "$550."

"$550 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man! 

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial 
diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests." 

May 10, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Johnny Speaks Out:

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of human blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood would run downward, and my face would then turn red."

"Yes," the class said.

The teacher asked, "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in an ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

Little Johnny in the back of the room shouted out, "Cause your feet ain't empty"

May 7, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Very Stupid:

A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye.
"Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?" 

"Well," explains the man, "I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blond with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out, I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh, and so she sucker-punched me!"
The man continues, "What's your story?" 

The other guy explains, "I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties, but I accidentally said, You ruined my life you stupid bitch."

May 6, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Jimmy Joe Bob:

One day, Jimmy Joe Bob was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba Ray Roy driving a brand new pickup truck.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd ya get that truck?"

"Bobby May Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe Bob, let me tell you what happened.
We were driving out on County Road 9, in the middle of nowhere.
Bobby May Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, Bubba, take whatever you want. 
So I took this here truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you at all."

May 5, 2010

Today's Daily Joke


A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator:
cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see.
One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
The mom happily thought that the Catholic education is certainly having an impact.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen.
"Mom? How do you spell SEX?"

May 4, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Space Travel:

A Russian, an American and a Blonde were discussing space travel.
The American argued that because they were the first to put a man on the moon, America was superior in space travel.
The blonde stated her kind, were going to be far superior to Russia and America because they were going to be the first to land on the sun.
The Russian asked the blonde if she was nuts?
Didn't she know that it was impossible to land on the sun?
The American asked her just how in the hell she thought they could accomplish this considering the heat and extreme brightness of the sun.
"Well, duh!" the blonde replied. "We're going at night."

May 3, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

I Was Speeding:

While I was flying down the road yesterday at only 10 mph over the limit, I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"

I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"

I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about six foot wide."

The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."

The ticket -- $95.00 dollars.

The look on the cops face--------PRICELESS!!!!!