December 16, 2010

Today's Daily Jokes

THE MAN TEST - Queer or Not:

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you
are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
Hello Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but
queer. it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog - 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat - 'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in
a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as
fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or
four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're
dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass drivers or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, scratch his nuts, hold his beer, or shove her head down on his wang.

December 15, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Maternity:

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by
 the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before
 you see her that the baby is black"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no
 money and nowhere to live, so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "That's really none of my
 business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "You see I desperately needed
 the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife, repeats, "That's really none of my 
business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and 
there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"WHEW!" says the girl extremely relieved...
"I had this horrible 
feeling that it was going to bark!"

December 13, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

100 Mph Goat:

Two rough and tumble Texans are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible,

I had him chained to a transmission!"

November 22, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Plane Trip:


A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the 
stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights
 will go 
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said 
to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" 


"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me 
ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The 
same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a 
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you 
suppose that is?" 


"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to 
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

November 21, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Just Won’t Work:

An old man was watching a kid play fireman outside when he noticed something odd.
The old man walked outside and noticed that the kid was sitting in a red wagon with his fireman's hat on and a sting hooked from the wagon handle to the dogs balls.
The old man said "You know son, it would probably be better if you tied that string around the dog's neck."
The boy replied, "I tried that, but the siren won't work that way."

November 19, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

If:

If it’s got wheels or tits you’re gonna have trouble with it sooner or later.

November 18, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Old Penny:

An old penny pincher had no friends.
Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at his bedside.

"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said.
"I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000."

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave.
On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000."
The doctor then said, "I must confess as well. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."

The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…"

November 17, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Mafia Watch:

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.
Grandson I wanta you to listen to me.
I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me.
But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. 

You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man.
Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?

November 16, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Matrimonial Proposal:


The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

November 15, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Out of Gas:

Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas.
They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan.
The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car.
As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by.
He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help but admire your faith!"

November 12, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Lettuce And Tomato:

This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school; unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is age 6.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembering that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper, "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.
"Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce," it sounds.
Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonnaise all over my face."

November 11, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

An Illinois Man:

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. 
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. 

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: 

Dearest Wife, 
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. 

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

November 10, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

About Woman:

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free, you either married it or gave birth to it.

Insanity is a woman's only means of relaxation.

November 9, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Lucky Number:

There was a guy whose lucky number was five.
He was born on May 5, 1955.
He graduated 5th in his class, got a job with the 5th company he applied to and soon became the 5th highest executive, married the 5th girl he dated, had 5 children, and always shot a five under at golf.
He had a mistress who wore a size 5 dress.
One day he was at the racetrack, and saw that at 5:00 PM in the fifth race in lane number 5 was a five-year-old stallion named "Numero Cinco."
Seeing this as a sign, he goes to the fifth betting window and bets $55,555 on the horse.
He goes to the fifth row in the stands to watch the race.
The horse came in fifth.

November 8, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Lawyer’s Dog:

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer:
$100 due for a consultation.

November 5, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Rabbi:

There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby.
So the Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children this started to get expensive, so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation.
As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering.
Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd.
"Having children is an act of God," he said.
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

November 4, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Doctor Joke # 51:


A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?"
 he asked.
"I was in bed."
 she replied.
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
 he demabed to know.
"Getting a second opinion." she laughed.
Thinking fast, he replied, "I did that with two young nurses this morning."

November 3, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Down Yesterday:

A rescue team finds a crashed airplane.
The lone survivor is chewing on a bone, with a huge pile of human bones next to him, and the rescuers are in shock.
The lone survivor says, “You cant judge me for this. I had to survive.”
The leader of the rescue team says, “But you idiot, your airplane only went down yesterday.”

November 2, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Do You Know:

I know my sexuality, but I get so confused by other people's. 

I don't even know the difference between transvestites and 
transsexuals. As I understand it, transvestites are the 
ones that grow down from the ceiling and transsexuals are the 
ones that grow up.

November 1, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Do You Know Who’s In Your Office?

A young businessman had just started his own firm.
He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. 

He saw a man come into the outer office.
Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" 

"Yeah, I've came to activate your phone lines."

October 29, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Dixie Pride:

A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites. 
"Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees. 
Over there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks. 
Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers."


A tourist says, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?" 


"Yes ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus."

October 28, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Divorcing After 45 Years:

An elderly man calls his son and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do one damn thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and
paying for their own air fares ... Now what do we do for Christmas?"

October 27, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Distraught:

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. 


"Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"


"Yes, I'm afraid so", the doctor told her.


There was a moment of silence before the woman continued.


"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition? This prescription is marked NO REFILLS!"

October 26, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Disbelief:

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling?
"I've never felt better," he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidently grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near the creek, and suddenly he spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM! The beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot the beaver!"
"Bingo!" says the doctor.

October 25, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Disaster in Mexico:


A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit
Mexico.
150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. 
The 
country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start
with providing help to rebuild. 

The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help
the Mexican army control the riots.
The European community is sending
food and money. 

The United States of America is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.

October 22, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Dilbert's Salary Theorem:

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and especially liberal arts majors."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two well known postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. 

Postulate 2: Time is Money. 
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time.
Since: Knowledge = Power, 
then Knowledge = Work / Time, 
and Time = Money, 
then Knowledge = Work / Money.
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

October 21, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Differences, Part 2:

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

October 20, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Differences Between Bosses and Employees:



When you take a long time, you're slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.



When you don't do it, you're lazy. 

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. 



When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.



When doing something without being told, you're overstepping 
your authority.

When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.



When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. 

When your boss does it, he's being firm. 



When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. 



When you please your boss, you're brown-nosing. 

When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.



When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. 

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. 



When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a 
drunken bum. 

When your boss does the same, he appreciates women. 



When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. 

When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.



When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. 

When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's 
overworked.

When you ask a question at a meeting you're not being a team player.
When you're boss tells you have it is at a meeting he is being a team leader. 


October 19, 2010

Today's Daily Joke



Did You Ever Notice:


When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?


October 18, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Talking Dog:



A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog.
"This is a talking 
dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars." 


The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this 
talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal." 


Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy 
me, sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a 
meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to 
be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I 
was in the army and was decorated ten times." 


"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell 
him for just five dollars?" 


"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

October 15, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Penis?

* My Penis ate my homework.

* Oh, no! My Penis is frothing at the mouth! 

* Sorry I'm late. I was playing with my Penis. 

* I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep my Penis on a leash. 

* My Penis doesn't come when I call it.

* My Penis likes to crawl between the legs of guests. 

* I love giving my Penis a bath. 

* At night, I sleep with my Penis in my hands. 

* My Penis likes it when people pet him. 

* My Penis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.

* Playing with my Penis really wears me out. 

* Would you like to see a picture of my Penis?

* Sometimes I wake up, and my Penis is already active. 

* I think my Penis has a mind of its own. 

* I keep a picture of my Penis in my wallet. 

* Whenever I get lost, my Penis points me in the right direction.

* I think my Penis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead. 

* My Penis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.

* If my Penis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.

* My Penis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.

* Help! I can't find my Penis! 

* Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for my Penis.

* My Penis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.

* Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take my Penis to the hospital.

* Oh. no! Something bit my Penis!

* Watch it or you'll step on my Penis. 

* Stop kicking my Penis.

* My Penis is truly man's best friend. 

* Beware of my Penis. He's carrying a disease. 

* People say my Penis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention. 

* My Penis: the crotch-sniffer.

* There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for my Penis.

* I've trained my Penis to jump through hoops. 

* My Penis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table. 

* Excuse me, I need a muzzle for my Penis. 

* Sorry I'm late, but my Penis kept me up howling all night.
* I got arrested because my penis ate the pussy next door.

October 14, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Dentist Talk:

Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams?"

Patient: "Why, Doc? I didn't feel a thing!"

Dentist: "Yes, I know, but there are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the five o'clock football game."

October 13, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Breakfast Special:

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. 

"But I don't want the eggs." 

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.

"YES!!" said the waitress.

"I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.

Moral of story - DON'T MESS WITH US SENIORS. We've been around the block more than once.

October 11, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Blind Man:

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill.
The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind.
The blind man replied he would do it by smell.
The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.
The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"
The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."
"Correct, says the manager, now try this one."
"That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.
"Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.
"I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?"
The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.
The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's from an outhouse door."

October 8, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Better:

A prominent Canadian doctor was visiting an American hospital.
During his tour of the floors, he passed a room where a male patient was openly and vigorously masturbating.
"My GOD," said the visiting MD, "that's disgraceful. What is the meaning of this?"
The local doctor that was leading the tour explained; "I'm afraid this man was diagnosed with a very unusual, yet serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't relieve himself in this manner at least five times a day, he has to endure incredible pain and the potential rupture of his testicles."
"Oh, yes, yes, of course," replied the visiting doctor, as if he were quite familiar with the condition.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a male patient a blow job.
"GOOD GOD!" exclaimed the Doctor, "How do you explain this?"
The American doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."

October 7, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Before You Leave:

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?'
"And so, here we are!"

October 6, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Be a Frog:

A Newfie was rowing a boat and as he rowed he sung an English tune.
Suddenly a UFO swooped down and hovered over him. The alien pilot wondered what would happen if he destroyed a quarter of the Newfie's brain with a special ray.
The result was that the Newfie continued to sing only much
slower.
Now the alien became intrigued and decided to destroy half of the Newfie's brain. The result was that the Newfie continued to sing his English song only very slowly.
Getting upset the alien decided to destroy three quarters of the Newfie's brain, still the Newfie sung his English song but extremely slow.
Finally the alien became angry and totally destroyed the Newfie's brain, with the result that the Newfie began to sing in French!

October 5, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Black Parrot:

A black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.

"Wow," says the Bartender. "That bird is really something."

The Black Guy says, "Yep, and he talks too!"

The Bartender says, "Where'd you get him?"

The Parrot replies, 

"Africa."

October 4, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

At the Bar:

Jim and Ted were in a bar. 

Jim tells Ted, "Hey guess what, I fucked this girl up the ass last night!" 

Ted replies, "wow, no shit!" 

Jim answers, "Well, maybe a little bit..."
Ted pauses for a moment and says, “What do you do at work?”
Jim answers, “Ted, you know I am a meat packer.”
Ted replies, “Well now you’re a shit packer.”

October 1, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Astronomer:

An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he's captured by cannibals.
The eclipse is due the next day around noon.
To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in he few words of the cannibals' primative tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.
The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal".
"Great", the astronomer replies.
The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."

September 30, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

It's Just My Nature:

A scorpion wanted to cross the river, but he couldn't swim, so he asked a frog for a lift.
The frog replied, "How do I know you won't sting me?"
The scorpion said, "If I sting you, then you will drown, and I will drown with you."
The frog agreed to give the scorpion a lift.
Halfway across the river, the scorpion stung the frog.
When the frog asked why, the scorpion replied, "You have nice legs, besides you fool it’s just my nature."

September 29, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Walk:

There's this blond out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blond looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side!"


September 28, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Wedding:

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his younger cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen." the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly.
"How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said, "all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer."

September 27, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Puzzle:


One day, a blond named Sally was putting together a puzzle.
She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. 

"It's supposed to be a tiger!" Sally cried. 

"Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"

September 24, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Blonde Calls 911:


A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

September 23, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Real Patient Comments:




A Gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients
 while he was performing a colonoscopy ........



"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."



"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"



"Can you hear me NOW?"



"Oh boy, that was Spinal Rific!"



"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in
fact, up there?"



"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."



"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"



"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey
 Pokey...."



"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"



"If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"



"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."



"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"



"Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?"



"Hey, Doc, pay my lawyer while you're up there...."

“So Mr. Darth Vader, have you found the dark side yet?”

September 22, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Large Supermarket:

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

September 21, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Pancakes:


Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. 

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem." 

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

September 20, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Love Me:

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude.
The mother-in-law says, “What the hell are you doing?” 

“I'm wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a long time.”

So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.”

She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the fuck are you doing?”

“I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife.

“Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”

September 17, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Park Bench:

A little girl is out with her mother in the park when they see two teenagers having sex on a bench.

"What are they doing?" asks the girl.
"
Uh, making cakes dear," says the mother.

They proceed to go to the zoo, where sure enough they see two monkeys having sex.

"What are they doing?" asks the girl.
"
They're making cakes, too."

The next day, the girl says: "Mommy, were you and Daddy making cakes in the den last night?”

Shocked, the mother asks: "How did you know that?"

"Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

September 16, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Pappy:

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"
The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got!"

September 14, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

In Today’s Army:

They say a buddy is someone who will get two blowjobs and come back and give you one!

September 13, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Last Request:


A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City.
He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.

A policeman checks the crowd no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay.
He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

September 10, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Illegal Cats:

To: Homeland Security, Southwest Regional Office
From: The Minuteman
Ref.: Needed an exemption permit for illegal alien cats
Sirs,
I am a minuteman down on the U.S. Mexican Border we found about 100 or so Mexican cats crossing the border. We didn't know what to do with them since we were not sure if they really were Illegals, since the "Meow " sounded the same as American cats! Although some of the boys thought they heard a slight accent. Well anyway, not knowing what to do with them, we weren’t sure if we should send them back across the border or let them stay here. The problem required an immediate solution. Since it was about lunchtime, we decided to sell the Undocumented Mexican Cats to the local Vietnamese restaurant. We can get a good buck for them and the Vietnamese just love to use them in their woks!

Regards,
Mr. White Trash
Minuteman Supervisor Section 2102

September 8, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Paint It:

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away.
His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear.
She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went.
When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament.
The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

September 7, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Lou Says:

On Lou’s first day in school starting the first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!' 

The teacher looked at little Lou's records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Lou stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!'

Lou did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Lou's problem.
The principal and the first grade teacher told little Lou that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he actually belonged.
Well, they soon discovered that Lou knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. 

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions:
'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher. 

'Legs!' Lou immediately replied.
"What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher. 

'Pockets!' said Lou. 

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, “Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions myself!”

August 27, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Pulled Over:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked up to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said "I bet you’re going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

He replied "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then silently closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing so hard she couldn’t start her car for several minutes.

August 26, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Lawyer at a Party:

A young lawyer is at a party with some of his friends when a girl comes along with a plate of chips.

The girl offers the chips around and everyone in turn takes a chip. 

The girl offers the chips around a second time and again everyone takes one.

Finally the girl decides to offer the chips around a third time.
Again everyone accepts until she reaches the young lawyer.
"What is this!" he says, somewhat bothered "Do you think I'm some kind of food goblin?"

August 25, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Know Your Profession:

A woman walks into her accountant's office, telling him she needs to file
 her taxes for the financial year.
"Fine," the accountant says to his client, "but before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He takes her particulars: name, address, social security number, etc.
Eventually, he comes on to her current occupation.
"What is your profession or current occupation?" he asks.
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
"No, no, no!" barks the accountant. "That'll never work! It's far too crass! Let's try to rephrase that."
"Okay," says the woman, "err... I'm a prostitute?"
"No, no. That's still far too crude. Can't you think of something else?"
They both sit thinking for a minute, then the woman suddenly blurts out, "I'm a 
chicken farmer."
The accountant is dumbstruck.
"What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" he asks.
"Well," says the woman, "I must have raised over 300 cocks last year!"

August 24, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Uncle Festus:

Henry's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country.
One day his Uncle Festus came to visit.
Since there were limited accommodations, they were required to sleep together.


When Uncle Festus came into the bedroom, he saw Henry kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. 


Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.


Henry looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?" 


"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Festus. 


"Ma's gonna be mad", said Henry, "The potty pot's on this side."

August 23, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Tossing Peanuts:

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asks him a question, and as he turns to answer, the peanut falls into his ear.
He tries to dig it out, but that only pushes it in deeper, so he and his wife decide to go to the hospital.

As they're about to go out the door, their daughter comes in with her date.
They explain, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out." 

He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.
The father blows and the peanut flies out of his ear.
The mother and daughter are all excited, but the daughter's date says, "Ah, it was nothing."

After her daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be." 

The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."

August 20, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Pastor’s Message:

A pastor was giving the childrens message during church.
For 
this part of the service, he would gather all the children 
around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for 
Sunday School.
On this particular Sunday, he was using 
squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. 

He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, 
and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." 

The children nodded eagerly.


"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." 

No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy 
tail (pause)..."
The children were looking at each other, but 
still no hands raised.
"And it jumps from branch to branch 
(pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited 
(pause)..."


Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand.
The pastor 
breathed a sigh of relief and called on him.
"Well," said the 
boy, "I KNOW the answer must be Jesus...but it sure sounds 
like a squirrel to me!"

August 19, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Patrick:

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"  
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
I will be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no damn bike!"

August 17, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Overweight
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. 

The Doctor says, "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks.
 The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. 

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" 

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from all that skipping replies the blonde."

August 16, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Only in America:

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a Diet Coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

August 13, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Operating on Engineers:

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."
The fifth surgeon says "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

August 12, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

One Wish:

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said ......
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

August 11, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Once Upon a Time:

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.
A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

August 10, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

On My Way To A Lecture:


The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife." said the man.

August 9, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Old Lady:

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good Morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven’t got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be to hasty!" he said, "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of Horse shit onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this Horse Shit from your carpet Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

August 6, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

NYC Black Man:

A black man from New York decided one day he wanted to be a Texas Ranger.

So he went through all the necessary training and became a Ranger.

One day on his shift he was driving around and hit a raccoon.
He thought he had
 hit some sort of exotic animal, and returned to the station upset.
He described the
 animal to his fellows who burst into spontaneous laughter.

"What kind of animal is it?" asked the black Ranger.
"
We'll give you a guess: It's something you've been called all your life."

The black Ranger's eyes grew wide. "You mean, that's a black motherfucker?!"

August 3, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Nudist Camp:

A young boy had been taken for his first visit to a nudist camp by his parents.
He was surprised at the different sizes of the male organs and mentioned it to his father.
The father, being rather well endowed, explained that it was a measure of intelligence, the big ones being smart and the small ones being dumb.
That afternoon the father was looking for his wife and asked his son if he had seen his mother.
"I saw her about ten minutes ago, She was with a real dumb man, but he seemed to be getting smarter all the time."

August 2, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Now we know what they do with them:
 


A new agent working for the IRS goes to audit a Jewish Temple.
 
He asks the Rabbi, "What do you do with all the leftover candle
 wax?"
The Rabbi replies, "Not wanting to be wasteful, we recycle
 everything. So we send the wax back to the candle company and
they make new candles."
 

The IRS agent then asks, "What do you do with all the leftover
 crumbs from the matzo bread?"

The Rabbi replies, "We take it outside and feed the birds."
 

The IRS agent, trying to find something to hassle the Rabbi for
 then asks, "And what do you do with the skin from all those circumcisions?"

The Rabbi replies, "We send it to Washington D.C. and they send us
 little pricks like you."

July 30, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Not So Stupid:

A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk.
The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."
"Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber.
Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!"
The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice.
Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand.
The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."
After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime.
Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."

July 29, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Not Really:

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and tells him that her body hurts wherever she touches it.


"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." 


She takes her finger and pushes on her elbow and screams in agony.
She then pushes on her knee and screams, pushes on her ankle and screams...and so it goes. No matter where she touches her agony is apparent.


The doctor says "You're not really a brunette, are you? You're really a blonde." 


She sheepishly admits that indeed she is a blonde. 


"I thought so," he says, "your finger is broken."

July 28, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Nobody Listens Anymore:


The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."

"Your Honor," the criminal replied, "That's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."

July 27, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

No Fear:
One Sunday an old biker walks into church and sits down in the front row.
As the preacher is beginning his sermon, the devil suddenly appears at the altar.
The members of the congregation, including the preacher himself, flee the church in terror, all except for this one old biker in the front row.


The devil notices this one biker still in the church and walks down from the altar to confront him.
He roars at the man, "Do you know who I am?" 


"Why of course I know who you are," the man calmly replies.
"You're Satan." 


"And you're not afraid of me like the others?" the devil asks somewhat miffed. 


To which the biker replies, "No. Why should I be? I've been married to your sister for the last 25 years."

July 26, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Nice Catch:


During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused.
Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through the crowd and shouted to the women.
He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely.
After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop.

The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered.
At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and yelled, "TOUCHDOWN!!"

July 23, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

My Mother Warned Me About Men:

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.


The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.


The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" 


The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher. 


"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

July 22, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Museum Curator:

The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of “Custer's Last Thought.”
The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset during the debacle at the Little Big Horn.

Deep in thought, the artist went to his studio.
After many false starts, he proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting.
Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator.
In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fish's head is a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating.

The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees.
In a rage he turns to the artist and asks, “What the hell has this got to do with George Armstrong Custer's Last Thought?”

The artist replied, “It's simple. Custer's last thought had to have been: Holy Mackerel! Where did all these fucking Indians come from?”

July 21, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

My Dick Is So Big:

My dick is so big, it's sleeping.
My dick is so big, it has it’s own Zip Code.
My dick is so big, it has to be wheeled in on a fort lift at the sperm bank.
My dick is so big, James Bond is using it as a secret weapon in his next movie.
My dick is so big, that when I fucked my wife her mother got pregnant.
My dick is so big, they named a frozen yogurt after it, Creamy Sticky Custard Curd.
My dick is so big, that people stand under to get out of the rain.
My dick is so big, the U.S. Marines used it as a super cannon in the last Iraq War.
My dick is so big, they want to display it at the Olympics.
My dick is so big, that when I was young my momma used it to make sour mash whiskey.
My dick is so big, that Britney Spears wants to use it in her next MTV video.
My dick is so big, that J-Lo can’t marry anyone, she can’t get it out of her mind ever since she saw it.
My dick is so big, the last time I masturbated I was fined for disturbing the peace.
My dick is so big, I used it for a car jack to change my flat tire.
My dick is so big, that all the young girls give me candy just to play with it.
My dick is so big, I once killed a Grizzly Bear with it.
My dick is so big, it has tonsils.
My dick is so big, it can only be measured in theory.
My dick is so big, it has a horizon.
My dick is so big, I can fuck the ocean.
My dick is so big, sometimes it jerks me off.
My dick is so big, FedEx won't insure it.
My dick is so big it was impeached by Congress
My dick is so big, it's got its own gang sign.
My dick is so big, it could eat a horse.
My dick is so big, Florida had to measure it twice.
My dick is so big, it snubbed the Oscars.
My dick is so big, it has gaskets.
My dick is so big, it has a north pole
My dick is so big, it killed its ex-wife and got away with it
My dick is so big, I rent it out for Weddings and Bar-Mitzvahs.
My dick is so big, it's not just famous, it’s Infamous.
My dick is so big, it has a stunt double.
My dick is so big, you must be at least 48" tall to ride.
My dick is so big, that I look like its dick in front of it!
My dick is so big, one side never sees the sun - it's the dark side of my dick.
My dick is so big, it has a vanity plate.
My dick is so big, It needs a car wash to get cleaned.
My dick is so big, it has a nucleus.
My dick is so big, it has a drink named after it. It's called Slow Gin Dick.
My dick is so big, that there's not enough earth to bury me in.
My dick is so big, "Oh Yeah" is its theme song.
My dick is so big, compasses do not function properly around it.
My dick is so big, it was framed for murder as part of an intricate prescription drug scandal.
My dick is so big, the Pope has blessed it.
My dick is so big, Al Gore invited it to the Whitehouse to embarrass Clinton.
My dick is so big, it’s making a guest appearance on the History Channel.
My dick is so big, premature ejaculation takes ninety minutes.
My dick is so big, it was on a Wheaties box.
My dick is so big, the Romans named their God, Simplyvs Hvges Giganticvs Erectia Dickvs, after it.
My dick is so big, it has a commemorative stamp.
My dick is so big, it has its own entourage.
My dick is so big, I have to sell it wholesale.
My dick is so big, it has stretch marks.
My dick is so big, it's wanted in nine states, and Canada.
My dick is so big, it's getting its own State Quarter.
My dick is so big, it sleeps with one eye open.
My dick is so big, they cold run the Indy 500 on it, with no turns.
My dick is so big, it has training wheels.
My dick is so big, someone once used it as a lifeline on, "Who wants to be a Millionaire?"
My dick is so big, my erections cause a total eclipse.
My dick is so big, black people be sayin' he got a big ass dick.
My dick is so big, I use it to spear fish.
My dick is so big, VH1 did a "Behind the Music" about it.
My dick is so big, when I get aroused, the Earth develops an elliptical orbit!
My dick is so big, it's in a boy band with four other big dicks.
My dick is so big, it's a government scapegoat.
My dick is so big, it has its own seat in Congress.
My dick is so big, it's worshipped as a Pagan God.
My dick is so big, I can change channels without the remote.
My dick is so big, I can smuggle 14 kilos of crack, 9 stolen cars, and 5 illegal immigrants across the border in it.
My dick is so big it sank the Titanic.
My dick is so big, it's the opening act for KISS's farewell tour.
My dick is so big, the government is suing it for anti-trust violation.
My dick is so big, it went condo.
My dick is so big, if I were a porn star, I could only do movies in wide screen cinema.
My dick is so big, it has its own fraternity, Delta Theta Cock.
My dick is so big, it has an ego.
My dick is so big, it has its own line of hip hop clothing.
My dick is so big, I have to stand in the hall when I take a piss.
My dick is so big, it won the Nobel Peace Prize.
My dick is so big, Scott Adams writes a cartoon about it. It's called "Dickbert."
My dick is so big, it played Daddy Warbucks on Broadway.
My dick is so big, it gives me an allowance.
My dick is so big, it's a tax write-off.
My dick is so big, it's a bouncer at The Boiler Room.
My dick is so big, it's sectional.
My dick is so big, the man always be tryin' to keep it down.
My dick is so big, it hangs out on the set of "Friends."
My dick is so big, I can play mailbox baseball while driving.
My dick is so big, Alan Greenspan uses it to raise interest rates.
My dick is so big, I decorate it at Christmas time.
My dick is so big, if I didn't sleep on my side, planes would crash into it at night.
My dick is so big, the doctor had to use a chainsaw to circumcise me.
My dick is so big, Calvin Klein named a fragrance after it. It's called CK My Dick!
My dick is so big, I have to use a complex irrigation system just to take a piss.
My dick is so big, it used to be a Harlem Globetrotter.
My dick is so big, it stormed the beach at Normandy.
My dick is so big, it affects the weather.
My dick is so big, it's my boss.
My dick is so big, it gets manicures.
My dick is so big, it has an axle.
My dick is so big, it has a brain.
My dick is so big, it has a reinforced foundation.
My dick is so big, many consider it the Eighth Wonder of the World.
My dick is so big, girls call it Santa Claus.
My dick is so big, it has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
My dick is so big, it can stand up.
My dick is so big, I can fuck a volcano.
My dick is so big, I have to stow it in the overhead bin on planes.
My dick is so big, it has it's own time zone - central dick time.
My dick is so big, it has it was recently split into two area codes.
My dick is so big, it's an element.
My dick is so big, it could feed Ethiopia for a month.
My dick is so big, it has a moon.
My dick is so big, it’s famous for inventing the Internet Cntrl Alt Delete Key.
My dick is so big, it’s in the Who’s Who of VIP’s, Very Important Penis.

July 20, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Murphy's Police Laws:

1. Bullet Proof' vests aren't.

2. The speed at which you respond to a fight call 
is inversely proportional to how long you've been 
a cop.



3. High-speed chases will always proceed from an 
area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy 
traffic.



4. If you know someone who tortures animals and 
wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works 
for Internal Affairs. 



5. Flash suppressors don't really.



6. If you have 'cleared' all the rooms and met no 
resistance, you and your entry team have probably 
kicked in the door of the wrong house. 



7. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an 
area of few available weapons (living room), to an 
area with many available weapons (kitchen). 



8. If you have just punched out a handcuffed 
prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to 
become a star on `Eyewitness News'. 



9. When a civilian sees a red light approaching 
at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into 
the lane the cop needs to use. 



10. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric 
center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes 
some dumb civilian will pull along side you and 
ask for directions.



11. You can never drive slow enough to please 
the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can 
never drive fast enough to please the ones who 
do. 



12. From behind you, the bad guys can see your 
night sights as well as you can.



13. The longer you've been a cop, the shorter 
your flashlight and your temper gets. 



14. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a 
good chance it will get you killed, you probably 
shouldn't do it. 



15. You should never do a shotgun search of a 
dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is 
"Boomer." 



16. The better you do your job, the more likely you 
are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, 
investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off. 



17. If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in 
a house, the Department will send one officer in a 
beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, 
they will send the entire S. W. A. T. Team.

July 19, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Mugged:

There was a sloth that had just been mugged by a group of snails.
On the way to the police station, the officer started asking questions like they always do.
The first question was what did the snails look like?
The Sloth replied, "I don't remember it all happened so fast!"

July 16, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Mrs Jones:


One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local
 church.


"Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep 
during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"


"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be 
able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at 
specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."


In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off.
Noticing this, the 
preacher put his plan to work.


"And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs.
 Jones.

" Jesus!"
Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.


"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.


Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again.
Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
 your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.


"God!"
Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.


"Right again," said the minister, smiling.


Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off.
However, this time the minister
 did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
 motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband
 with the hatpin again.


The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him
 his 99th son?"


Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that god damned thing
 in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"


"Amen," replied the congregation !!


July 15, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Jaguar:

My wife said to me the other day I want a Jaguar.
I simply replied, If only it could eat all of you in one feeding I get you one.

July 14, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Mr Manager:

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked.
 
"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."
 
"Good. Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.

July 13, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Mothers Shouldn’t Lie:

A little girl and her mother are walking through the park one day when they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says "Mommy what are 
they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm.....they are making cakes." 

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother "what are they are doing?"
The mother replies with the same response, "making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, right"
Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know that?"
The little girl says, 
"Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

July 12, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Discussion: 



An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep, but his wife was in 
a romantic mood and wanted to talk. 
 


She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were 
courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a 
second and tried to get back to sleep. 
 


A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss 
me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck 
on the cheek and settled back to sleep. 
 
 

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to 
bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. 
 
 

"Where are you going?" she asked. 
 
 

He answered, "To get my teeth."

July 8, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

More Kid Talk:
answers you get from kids when you ask them a question may surprise you .....


What ingredients are fathers made of?
Daddies are made of baseballs, basketballs, and footballs. Oh, and my uncle is also made of golf.

What kind of little boy was your dad?
He used to cheat and lie sometimes, but now he’s a lawyer and a damn good one.

What is love?
It’s that first feeling you feel before all that other stuff gets in the way.

What is love like?
Love is like when you go out and give somebody most of your French Fries without making them give you anything of theirs.

Where does love come from?
Love comes from people’s hearts, but God made hearts.

Why did God give your mother and not some other mom?
God gave me my mom because she had me in her tummy for a long, long time. She earned me.

Why did your mom marry your dad?
My grandma says mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Do you know the names of any Angels?
I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold Angels.

July 7, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Dating:

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them each a test.
He gives each woman a present of $5000.00 cash and watches to see what they do with their money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was very impressed.

The second woman goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new electronic gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.00 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then ... he ... very logically ... married the one with the largest boobs and tightest round ass.

Surely you weren't thinking men have changed.

July 6, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Mood Ring:

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood, it turns orange......
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead!!

July 5, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Mixing Electricity and Sex is Nuts:

A True Story ....
MALAGA, Spain: There's a fine line between getting freaky
in the bedroom and getting downright dangerous. A German man
ended up killing himself after experiments with a homemade
sex toy went horribly wrong. The body of the 65-year-old man
was found in a rented apartment after he was reported missing
by a female acquaintance. Pushing the limits of masturbation,
the man applied the electrodes of an adapted voltmeter to his
genitals. The autopsy revealed that the man died from a heart
attack triggered by the electric shock. Foul play was ruled
out after police found the man lying on his bed with the
television on and a porn movie in the VCR.

July 2, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Missing Car:

A policeman is walking his beat when he finds a totally drunk man collapsed against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his hands. He's moaning something about 'They took my car!'.
Seeing he is quite well dressed, the cop thinks he may have a real case of theft on his hands and proceeds to question the man.
"What are your car keys doing out?"
"My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards stole it! Please ossifer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; right on my key!"
"OK, OK, stand up, let's get some more information. (he stands the man up, and notices his penis is hanging out). Aw shit mister, your dick is hanging out, would you put that thing away!"
The man looks down, sees his prick hanging there and screams, "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend too!"

July 1, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Missing Person:

One day a Country Sheriff had a report of a missing black person, and the last place the man was seen was at the side of the river.

After dredging the river they found the missing man, and had about 80 feet of log chains tied around him.

Taken back slightly, the Sheriff shrugged, and said, "Ain't that just like a nigga...tryin' to steal more chains than he can carry."

June 30, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Miner:

A miner goes into town after several months of very hard work. When he gets to town, he decides to go to the local whorehouse unload some pent up frustrations.
He picks out a whore, takes her to her room, and she gives him a skillful blow-job.
When she's done, she reaches under the bed, pulls out a big mason jar and spits his wad into it.
"What the hell is THAT for?" he asks.
"Well", she says..."Me and my girlfriend have a running contest. Whoever has more at the end of the week...gets to drink both jars."

June 29, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Microsex:

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.
The first woman said, "My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that."
The second woman proclaimed, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but I like that."
The third woman replied, "Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be when I get it."

June 28, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Mickey and Minnie Mouse Divorce:

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for a divorce proceeding. The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"
Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not??!!"
The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"
Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honor! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was fucking Goofy!

June 25, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Mental Patients:

Bob and David were both patients in a Mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Bob
 suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.


David promptly jumped in and saved him. He swam to the bottom of the
 pool and pulled Bob out.
The medical director came to know of David's
 heroic act.

He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the Mental
 Hospital, as he considered him to be OK.
The Doctor said, "We have good
 news and bad news for you, David!"

"The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have
 regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another
 patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient
 whom you saved, Bob, hung himself in the bathroom and died."


David replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to
 dry."

June 24, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Mental Institution:

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. 

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. 

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."
"Great," replied the nurse. 

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself.

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" 

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

June 23, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

George:

There was a man named George who got a new job.
His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10 am Saturday morning.
George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late. 
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10 am. He golfed right handed and won the round.

Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf’s left handed, and wins the round.
This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. 

The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.
They said, "George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?"

George replies, "Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed." 

"Well," one of the employees questioned, "What happens if she is laying on her back?"
George replies, "Then I am 10 minutes late."

June 22, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Male Virgin:

A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex.
When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy.

"Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course," he explained.
"This girl really knows how to go from there."

The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the coed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. 
On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy." 

"I would, too," the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"

June 21, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Malaysia:

Have you seen the Malaysian-produced automobile called a 'Kancil', that small little 600cc car?
Well Dr M really wanted to sell them in the U.S., so Dr M paid a visit to the White House.
After finishing formal discussions with Clinton, Dr M checks with Bill to find out if there is a way to sell the Kancil in USA.
After having looked at the brochure, Bill said, 'You know, I think this Kuncheel is too small for us Americans.'
Not one who gives up easily, Dr M persisted and finally Clinton offered, 'Ok, take this number down. This guy is my good buddy and he's also the CEO of the biggest compact car distributor in North America'.
Dr M was satisfied with the meeting and returns to Malaysia.
The next day he called the number and a lady answered, 'TOYS'R'US', can I help you?'

Note: Malaysia is a Muslim country in southeast Asia next to Singapore.

June 18, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Makin Love:

The Italian says,
"When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy."

The Frenchman replies,
"Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss allze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The Redneck says,
"That aint nuthin. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains.
She hits the freakin' ceiling.”

June 17, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Make Up Your Mind:

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her driver's license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

June 16, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Love Dress:

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.
"Oh, it needs ironing," he said.

June 15, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Lost Dog:


3 Legs,

Blind in left eye,

Missing right ear,

Tail broken, recently castrated.

Answers to the name - "LUCKY"

If found or seen, please call 1-800-not-here.

June 14, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Lone Ranger Joke # 2:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.

"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.

"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.

"My face sticky."

June 11, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Long Black Hearse:

A woman was leaving a 7-11 store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary Woman walking a pit bull (an aggressive type of dog) on a leash.
Behind her were 200 Women walking single file.

The Woman couldn't stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The Woman replied, "Well that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The Woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The Woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

June 10, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Little Johnny Is At It Again:

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Are you giving up?"

June 9, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Kids and Worms:


You have to appreciate this kids perspective on things...


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.   

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.   

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. 

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. 

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.    

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke – dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.

Fourth worm in soil - alive. 


So the Science teacher asked the class –
"What can you learn from this experiment?"

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms!"

June 8, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Beer Buddy Talk:

Two guys are talking about their favorite sex positions.
The first guy says, “I like her on top.”
The second guy says, “Nah I like the Rodeo Position.”
The first guy interested says, “I’ve never heard of that one, what is it?”
The second guy explains. Well it is the basic doggie position but as you start to get her aroused you whisper in her ear and say, “This is your sister’s favorite position.” As she starts to thrash about you hang on for dear life, go for the wild ride, and fuck her deep and hard until you explode inside her. Then you get up and run like hell!

June 4, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Two Lawyers:

Two Jewish lawyers, Myron and Thorn, were having a heated exchange during a trial.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench.
"Your Honor," said Myron, "I objected because my distinguished colleague Thorn was badgering the witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the Bill of Rights."
"Rubbish!" snapped Thorn. "I happen to know them by heart."
Myron rolled his eyes in disbelief.
"Do you now? Well, Thorn, I have a hundred dollars that says you can't even tell me the first few words."
Thorn smirked and accepted the challenge and began, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
"Damn," Myron interrupted, fishing the money from his pocket, "I didn't think you'd know it."

June 3, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Prisoner’s Letter:

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife.

Dear Husband,
"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter.

Dear Wife,
"Whatever you do, do not touch the back garden."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife.

Dear Husband,
"You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire backyard."

The prisoner wrote another letter back to his wife.

Dear Wife,
"Now is the very best time to plant the lettuce."

June 2, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

God and Adam:

One day God and Adam were walking through the garden.
God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.

"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."
Adam looks puzzled at God, "Lord, what is a kiss?"

God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"

"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again he asks, "Lord, what is caress?" 

God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss!
What's next?"

"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."
Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush.
A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

June 1, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Giving Up His Seat:

Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"Well, you've done the right thing," says Johnny's Mom.
"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

May 28, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Employee Appraisal Time:

These quotes were taken from actual employee performance appraisals ...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the lens over the cap"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out other sperm"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

May 27, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

A Woman's Poem:

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.

My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

May 26, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Pin Puller:


When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.
"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam."

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot.
In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.
In the heat the ctclinder exploded killing the fireman.

May 25, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Just for Appearances:

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.
So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

May 24, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Airport Security:

About The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security System -

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to 
hire a private investigator: Mr. Alan Pinkerton.
He was 
actually the beginning of the Secret Service.


Since that time the federal police authority has grown to a 
large number of three-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS (ICE), IRS, 
DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, HLS, NSA, etc.

Now comes a proposal for another agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security
 Service."


Can't you just see it now, the new service in their black outfits
 with their initials in large white letters across their backs?

FATASS

Wow and the 'The Men in Black (MIB)' thought they were something.

May 21, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Pharmacology:

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called naproxen.
Amoxil is called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were -
mycoxafailin
mydixadrupin
mydixarizin
mydixadud
dixafix
and of course ibepokin.

May 20, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Animal Logic:

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.
He took his faithful pet dog along for company.
One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doodoo now." (He was an Irish Setter!)....
Then the dog noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew", says the leopard." That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put his knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back yet!!"

May 19, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Robot:

The Japanese have finely come up with something useful.
They have invented the perfect woman, a robot with only five buttons:

On
Sex
Clean
Cook
Off

May 18, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The only thing the I.R.S. has not taxed is the penis:

This is due to the fact that ...
40% of the time it's hanging around unemployed.
20% of the time it's pissed off.
30% of the time it's hard up.
10% of the time it is in the hole.
On top of all this, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Accordingly, Obama and the Liberal Looney Left have initiated a new tax, starting January 1, 2010, penises will be taxed according to size. To determine the category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on Page 2, Section 7, Line 3, of the standard 1040P form.
10 to 12 Inches = Luxury Tax $50.00 *
8 to 10 inches = Pole Tax $30.00
6 to 8 inches = Privilege Tax $15.00
4 to 6 inches = Nuisance Tax $5.00

PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN EXTENSION.

* Males exceeding 12 inches must also file Capital Gains. Sincerely, Pecker Checker 
Internal Revenue Service

Personal exemptions for males ages 18 to 25 who have 10 inches or more may be eligible. Michelle Obama will visit this issue one penis at a time!