September 30, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

It's Just My Nature:

A scorpion wanted to cross the river, but he couldn't swim, so he asked a frog for a lift.
The frog replied, "How do I know you won't sting me?"
The scorpion said, "If I sting you, then you will drown, and I will drown with you."
The frog agreed to give the scorpion a lift.
Halfway across the river, the scorpion stung the frog.
When the frog asked why, the scorpion replied, "You have nice legs, besides you fool it’s just my nature."

September 29, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Walk:

There's this blond out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blond looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side!"


September 28, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

The Wedding:

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his younger cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen." the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly.
"How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said, "all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer."

September 27, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Puzzle:


One day, a blond named Sally was putting together a puzzle.
She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. 

"It's supposed to be a tiger!" Sally cried. 

"Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"

September 24, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Blonde Calls 911:


A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

September 23, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Real Patient Comments:




A Gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients
 while he was performing a colonoscopy ........



"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."



"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"



"Can you hear me NOW?"



"Oh boy, that was Spinal Rific!"



"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in
fact, up there?"



"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."



"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"



"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey
 Pokey...."



"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"



"If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"



"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."



"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"



"Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?"



"Hey, Doc, pay my lawyer while you're up there...."

“So Mr. Darth Vader, have you found the dark side yet?”

September 22, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Large Supermarket:

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

September 21, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Pancakes:


Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. 

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem." 

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

September 20, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Love Me:

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude.
The mother-in-law says, “What the hell are you doing?” 

“I'm wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a long time.”

So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.”

She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the fuck are you doing?”

“I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife.

“Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”

September 17, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Park Bench:

A little girl is out with her mother in the park when they see two teenagers having sex on a bench.

"What are they doing?" asks the girl.
"
Uh, making cakes dear," says the mother.

They proceed to go to the zoo, where sure enough they see two monkeys having sex.

"What are they doing?" asks the girl.
"
They're making cakes, too."

The next day, the girl says: "Mommy, were you and Daddy making cakes in the den last night?”

Shocked, the mother asks: "How did you know that?"

"Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

September 16, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Pappy:

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"
The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got!"

September 14, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

In Today’s Army:

They say a buddy is someone who will get two blowjobs and come back and give you one!

September 13, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Last Request:


A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City.
He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.

A policeman checks the crowd no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay.
He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

September 10, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Illegal Cats:

To: Homeland Security, Southwest Regional Office
From: The Minuteman
Ref.: Needed an exemption permit for illegal alien cats
Sirs,
I am a minuteman down on the U.S. Mexican Border we found about 100 or so Mexican cats crossing the border. We didn't know what to do with them since we were not sure if they really were Illegals, since the "Meow " sounded the same as American cats! Although some of the boys thought they heard a slight accent. Well anyway, not knowing what to do with them, we weren’t sure if we should send them back across the border or let them stay here. The problem required an immediate solution. Since it was about lunchtime, we decided to sell the Undocumented Mexican Cats to the local Vietnamese restaurant. We can get a good buck for them and the Vietnamese just love to use them in their woks!

Regards,
Mr. White Trash
Minuteman Supervisor Section 2102

September 8, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Paint It:

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away.
His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear.
She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went.
When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament.
The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

September 7, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Lou Says:

On Lou’s first day in school starting the first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!' 

The teacher looked at little Lou's records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Lou stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!'

Lou did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Lou's problem.
The principal and the first grade teacher told little Lou that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he actually belonged.
Well, they soon discovered that Lou knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. 

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions:
'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher. 

'Legs!' Lou immediately replied.
"What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher. 

'Pockets!' said Lou. 

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, “Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions myself!”