August 27, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Pulled Over:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked up to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said "I bet you’re going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

He replied "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then silently closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing so hard she couldn’t start her car for several minutes.

August 26, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Lawyer at a Party:

A young lawyer is at a party with some of his friends when a girl comes along with a plate of chips.

The girl offers the chips around and everyone in turn takes a chip. 

The girl offers the chips around a second time and again everyone takes one.

Finally the girl decides to offer the chips around a third time.
Again everyone accepts until she reaches the young lawyer.
"What is this!" he says, somewhat bothered "Do you think I'm some kind of food goblin?"

August 25, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Know Your Profession:

A woman walks into her accountant's office, telling him she needs to file
 her taxes for the financial year.
"Fine," the accountant says to his client, "but before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He takes her particulars: name, address, social security number, etc.
Eventually, he comes on to her current occupation.
"What is your profession or current occupation?" he asks.
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
"No, no, no!" barks the accountant. "That'll never work! It's far too crass! Let's try to rephrase that."
"Okay," says the woman, "err... I'm a prostitute?"
"No, no. That's still far too crude. Can't you think of something else?"
They both sit thinking for a minute, then the woman suddenly blurts out, "I'm a 
chicken farmer."
The accountant is dumbstruck.
"What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" he asks.
"Well," says the woman, "I must have raised over 300 cocks last year!"

August 24, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Uncle Festus:

Henry's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country.
One day his Uncle Festus came to visit.
Since there were limited accommodations, they were required to sleep together.

When Uncle Festus came into the bedroom, he saw Henry kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. 

Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

Henry looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?" 

"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Festus. 

"Ma's gonna be mad", said Henry, "The potty pot's on this side."

August 23, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Tossing Peanuts:

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asks him a question, and as he turns to answer, the peanut falls into his ear.
He tries to dig it out, but that only pushes it in deeper, so he and his wife decide to go to the hospital.

As they're about to go out the door, their daughter comes in with her date.
They explain, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out." 

He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.
The father blows and the peanut flies out of his ear.
The mother and daughter are all excited, but the daughter's date says, "Ah, it was nothing."

After her daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be." 

The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."

August 20, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Pastor’s Message:

A pastor was giving the childrens message during church.
this part of the service, he would gather all the children 
around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for 
Sunday School.
On this particular Sunday, he was using 
squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. 

He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, 
and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." 

The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." 

No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy 
tail (pause)..."
The children were looking at each other, but 
still no hands raised.
"And it jumps from branch to branch 
(pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited 

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand.
The pastor 
breathed a sigh of relief and called on him.
"Well," said the 
boy, "I KNOW the answer must be Jesus...but it sure sounds 
like a squirrel to me!"

August 19, 2010

Today's Daily Joke


For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"  
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
I will be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no damn bike!"

August 17, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. 

The Doctor says, "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks.
 The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. 

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" 

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from all that skipping replies the blonde."

August 16, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Only in America:

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in people order double cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a Diet Coke...

Only in banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

August 13, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Operating on Engineers:

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."
The fifth surgeon says "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

August 12, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

One Wish:

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said ......
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

August 11, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Once Upon a Time:

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.
A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

August 10, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

On My Way To A Lecture:

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife." said the man.

August 9, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Old Lady:

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good Morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven’t got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be to hasty!" he said, "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of Horse shit onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this Horse Shit from your carpet Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

August 6, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

NYC Black Man:

A black man from New York decided one day he wanted to be a Texas Ranger.

So he went through all the necessary training and became a Ranger.

One day on his shift he was driving around and hit a raccoon.
He thought he had
 hit some sort of exotic animal, and returned to the station upset.
He described the
 animal to his fellows who burst into spontaneous laughter.

"What kind of animal is it?" asked the black Ranger.
We'll give you a guess: It's something you've been called all your life."

The black Ranger's eyes grew wide. "You mean, that's a black motherfucker?!"

August 3, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Nudist Camp:

A young boy had been taken for his first visit to a nudist camp by his parents.
He was surprised at the different sizes of the male organs and mentioned it to his father.
The father, being rather well endowed, explained that it was a measure of intelligence, the big ones being smart and the small ones being dumb.
That afternoon the father was looking for his wife and asked his son if he had seen his mother.
"I saw her about ten minutes ago, She was with a real dumb man, but he seemed to be getting smarter all the time."

August 2, 2010

Today's Daily Joke

Now we know what they do with them:

A new agent working for the IRS goes to audit a Jewish Temple.
He asks the Rabbi, "What do you do with all the leftover candle
The Rabbi replies, "Not wanting to be wasteful, we recycle
 everything. So we send the wax back to the candle company and
they make new candles."

The IRS agent then asks, "What do you do with all the leftover
 crumbs from the matzo bread?"

The Rabbi replies, "We take it outside and feed the birds."

The IRS agent, trying to find something to hassle the Rabbi for
 then asks, "And what do you do with the skin from all those circumcisions?"

The Rabbi replies, "We send it to Washington D.C. and they send us
 little pricks like you."