October 31, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Job Search:

A retired friend went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."
"The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana, that's about 550 miles from here."
"Good grief, is that where the job is?"
"No sir that's where the end of the line is right now.

October 30, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Mommy:

Mommy walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste. 

"What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed. 

"Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's."

October 29, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

New Rules for being Politically Incorrect:

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations, and releases from jail. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.


New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates. com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.


New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blond teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: LUCKY BASTARDS.


New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.


New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.


New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.


New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security and ObamaCare crisis.


New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the butthole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge Butthole.


New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.


New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just an idiot.


New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."


New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.


New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be their, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.


New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not an aged cheese or wine.

October 28, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

A Conversation Between Two Women In Heaven:

1st Woman: Hi! My name is Maggie.
2nd Woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st Woman: I froze to death.
2nd Woman: How horrible!
1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack because I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st Woman: So what happened?
2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and then down into the basement. I went through each closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

October 27, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Bear:



In this life I'm a woman.
In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.


When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.


Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.


When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.


You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.


If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.


He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.


Yup...gonna be a bear.

October 26, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

DUI:


One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him.
As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


October 24, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

School Answering Machine:

A funny but TRUE Story
No wonder some people were offended. 
This is the message the Pacific Palisades High School in California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. 

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their childrens absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their childrens failing grades changed to passing grades though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school:


"Hello!  You have reached the automatic answering service of your school. 
In order to assist you in connecting the right staff person, please listen to all your options before making a selection.

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1


To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teacher's fault for your child's lack of effort ...
 
...  hang up and have a nice day!

October 23, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Undercover:

Two undercover police officers assigned to the organized crime unit were overlooking a bloody mob hit scene. The victim had six-gun shot wounds to the back of the head.
One cop looks at the other and utters, "Worst case of suicide I've ever seen."


October 22, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Reasons For A Girl To Choose A Dog and Not A Man:
A dog has long been a man's best friend.
Few women have a problem with that.
But when a popular magazine devoted to the hunting, shooting, and fishing suggested 50 reasons why dogs are better than women, it started the paw wars.

So here are the reasons ladies you need to run out and get a dog....

Spots are an attractive feature on a dog.

A dog is better protection from intruders.

Dogs enjoy ball games. But they don't spend six hours on the phone trying to get tickets for World Series.

Dogs greet each other by sniffing their bottoms. Men on the other hand are far less polite.

Puppy love doesn't wear off so quickly with a dog.

You can be prosecuted for neglecting a dog.

Dogs can’t go to jail for being Pedophiles.

Dogs can find their way back home even after a really heavy night out.

Dogs can be trained not to lie on the bed. Men always lie in bed.

A dog can molt without becoming obsessed about premature baldness.

Dogs can be taught the meaning of the word "NO!"

A dog is far less irritation to have in the back seat of a car and will be less likely to show its rear end to the people in the vehicle behind for a laugh.

Elizabeth Hurley has a faithful dog that she loves dearly. I wonder how affectionate that dog really is?

Dogs will wait patiently outside clothes shops and not criticize your purchases afterwards.

A dog will fetch the morning paper for you.

A dog will trot faithfully round at your heels.

Dogs don't break wind in public and blame it on the woman.

In the canine world, boxers are quite intelligent.

If a dog gets ill, it won't take eighteen Tylenol in order to avoid having to go to the vet.

You can also ask the vet to perform the snip, even if the dog objects.

Small, ginger-haired dogs can be quite appealing. As for men? Two words. Robin Cook.

You can find a nice dog by advertising on a card in a shop window, or in the classified section of the local paper.

A woman can live with more than one dog, without rumors starting.

When dogs beg, it's cute. When men beg it's pathetic.

A dog will sometimes dig the garden.

A dog can go out foxhunting without being incredibly stuck up and pompous.

Dogs don't necessarily prefer blondes.

Dogs won't get embarrassed if you call them by a pet name when their friends are around.

Dogs travel more cheaply on the bus.

Dogs whine less.

Some dogs can be quite talented at singing.

Men lost the World Cup. A dog found it.

Dogs are less reliant on tinned food but after a few cans, a dog will still be able to stand up.

And there are some things even a dog won't drink - like the remains of a three-day-old warm flat beer that they found on the floor behind the sofa.

You can leave a dog alone in your house without worrying so much about what it'll break.

A dog doesn't care if you're fat!

A dog gets a new coat every winter.

Dogs are not so careless about leaving puddles on the bathroom floor.

A dog is less likely to leave a filthy, stinking mess for you to clear up.

For a dog, a wet nose is a sign of GOOD health.

Men are even less useful for testing cosmetics on.

Dogs don't wolf-whistle.

There are still thousands of totally undomesticated dogs in Australia; but far more undomesticated men.

Your dog will never refer to you as 'a bitch'.

In disaster films, the dog is always far more likely to have a miraculous escape.

Dogs do not waste money betting on the dogs.

You can stop dogs getting too randy by throwing a bucket of water on them.

People watch the TV Show ‘Lassie’ for the dog.

If a dog starts worrying sheep, that's just its natural predatory instinct. If a MAN starts worrying sheep, however...we have a more serious problem.

A 'King Charles' is much more likely to be a big, floppy-eared dog than a big floppy-eared man.

You can also call a dog shiatsu without offending it.

"Working like a dog" is strenuous. Working like a man is, ah not.

You can fondle your dog in the park without being arrested.

A dog will encourage you to lose weight by taking more exercise. A man will just remark on how big your ass looks.

Dogs do not attack other dogs for being a different color.

Having a dog around the place can actually ease stress.

You'd feel guilty about turning a dog out on the street.

A dog can take a barrel of brandy to a lost hiker without drinking ANY.

There aren't so many good reasons to keep a dog muzzled in public.

You can buy a dog's affection with a squeaky toy.

A dog will be eager to walk, rather than getting a taxi.

Most dogs are really good with children.

Dogs have a highly developed sense of smell. Men, on the other hand, can quite happily wear the same pair of pants for weeks.

A dog is more useful for tracking down criminals.

Ever body cried when Old Yeller got shot!

A dog might actually take a bath of its own accord.

There's more chance of your dog being able to operate the video recorder.

You can buy a choke chain for a dog.

A 16-year-old dog is very mature.

A dog is easier to keep well groomed.

Dogs have more chance of receiving an award for bravery.

Dogs are easier to house-train.

Dogs do not scratch themselves so much in polite company.

A dog can look as though it understands what you're saying.

Dogs went into space first.

A man will roll over and play dead only if you ask him to get up and make coffee.

Dogs enjoy swimming, and not for the chance to ogle girls in bikinis.

Being a dog's mistress is no reason to feel ashamed.

You can keep your dog tied up if it starts misbehaving.

Saggy skin and a hangdog look aren't half as appealing on a man.

You can train a dog to obey.

A dog in a studded collar isn't kinky.

Few men would answer to 'Lassie'.

A dog is a pack animal. A man is a six-pack animal.

Dogs spend the day sniffing drugs only if they're with the police.

Dogs aren't obsessed with 'doing it man-fashion'.

A dog is a faithful companion.

A dog is for life.

When your hungry, kill the dog and pop it in the microwave.

Even a DOG can get a credit card.

A woman can have sex with a dog and it will never tell. It also can keep a hard on for an hour.

October 21, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

A Mother:

A mother traveled 2,000 miles to be with her only son on the day 
he was to receive his Air Force wings and also get married.

"It was wonderful," she said later. "It isn't every day that a 
mother watches her son receive his wings in the morning and have 
them clipped in the evening."


October 20, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Life’s Secret:



An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him.
"Sir, what is the secret of your long life?" 


The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."


The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"


The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."

October 19, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

KFC Hillary Clinton Special:

Two Fat Thighs, two small breasts, and a left wing for just $3.99

October 16, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

United Way Donations:

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you have not given a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"


Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."


"...or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" 


The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"


The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."


On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "...so, if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

October 15, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

We Noticed:

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket.
Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why. 


"As a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced." 


As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that. 


"Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands." 


We replied, "I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in?" 


"Well," replied the waiter, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!"

October 14, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

The Gymnast:

"How's that gymnast girlfriend of yours these days?" a guy asked his buddy.
"Oh man, she's so fine, and in great shape! She's been working on developing really concentrated muscle tone."
"Oh Yeah? Which muscle is she toning up?", he asks.
"Mine." he answers with a big smile!

October 13, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Lost His Wallet:

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, low and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification.
Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by a Mexican Customs Agent at the Tijuana border.
"May I see your identification, por favor, seƱor?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.
"Si, amigo, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," said the agent.
"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaimed.
"I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Hillary Clinton tattooed on the other."
"This I must see," replied the agent.
With that, the American dropped his pants and bent over in front of the agent.
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, you're right!" exclaimed the agent.
"Have a safe trip back to Chicago, Senor."
"Thanks!" he said. "But why do you think I'm from Chicago ?"
The agent replied, "I recognized Barack Obama in the middle!

October 12, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Worst Country Western Song Titles:

The Problem, These are REAL .....

Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?

I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral

I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

I Wanna Whip Your Cow

I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!

I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your
Welfare Line

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low

If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You

If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

My Every Day Silver Is Plastic

My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You

Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill

She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty

Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone

They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In

You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too

You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd

You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life

You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

I Backed My Pickup Over My Dawg The Day You Backed Outta My Life

October 10, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh:

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional.. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient..'
'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, but, in a few moments, she was able to regain her composure.
'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen,' Fred replied.
She ran out of the room.

October 9, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Met on the Singles Cruise:

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed
fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

October 8, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Grandma:

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where 
the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. 

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she
 needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to
 the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
 stuffed pillows on her right.
 A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again
 the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again
 grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. 
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi
 Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew, "They won't let me fart." 

October 7, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Lucky Strike:



A little boy and girl were walking along a trail in 
the woods.
The little girl noticed that some of the 
animals were behaving oddly.


"Little boy, why is that rabbit on top of the other one?" 
she asked.
The little boy stops to consider his answer, 
and replies,
"They're making cigarettes."
"Cigarettes!" she 
says, as they continue walking along. 


Pretty soon they approach a couple of raccoons. The 
little girl asked, "Are they making cigarettes too"?
"Yes" says the little boy.
The little girl looks around and says,
"It looks like all the animals are making cigarettes".
" Why don't we make cigarettes too?", she asked. 


The little boy was quick to say "Ok !!"


A short time latter the little boy and the little girl were walking out of the woods, when she asked, "Little Boy, what kind of cigarettes did we make?"
The little boy stops to think about his answer, then replies,
”Well if you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if you 
don't it's a Lucky Strike."

October 6, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Morning Pee:

The ramblings of a disturbed male mind who authored this was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom where he was taking a pee at the time....

Madam,
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the mens washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that a man's penis has a mind of its own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay.
Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us poor guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".
Most mornings we guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look honey, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time."
OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with my "morning wood".
Well it's very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if I am sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when I start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of my legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat.
This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.
We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault it's just Mother Nature.

Important Note - if you ladies service the woody before the pee routine, then I can sit down like you want!

October 5, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Little Boy or a Little Shit:

A dumb ass little boy is walking down a narrow path in the woods on his way to his Grandma’s house when he sees a pile of shit in his path.
He stops, walks around it a few times, looks hard and says. “This looks like a pile of shit!”
Not being totally convinced, he bends down, sticks his face almost right into it and says, “Yep, it smells like shit to.”
Still he is not convinced, so he drops his pants, sticks his middle finger up his ass, and compares the color. He says, “The color is the same, it looks like shit.”
He then decides to take his clean index finger and taste the substance in the pile.
He says, “It tastes like shit to.”
He ponders for a few moments and says, “YEP, there is no doubt about it, this is a pile of shit !!”
Stepping over it and continuing on his way, he stops, looks back and says,
“It’s a good thing I didn’t step in it, Grandma would have been so mad.”

October 3, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

My Father, The Whorehouse Piano Player:

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
Timmy, you're first, she said.
What does your mother do all day?
Timmy stood up and proudly said, She's a doctor.
That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.
Thank you, Amie, said the teacher.
What about your father, Billy?
Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays the piano in a whorehouse.
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.
Billy's father answered the door.
The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old

October 2, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Rich and Poor:

A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for their anniversary.
The Rich Man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz.
The Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?"
The Rich Man replies, "Well, in case she doesn’t like the diamond necklace, she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."
The Poor Man acknowledges the rich man's answer then proceeds to tell him what he got his wife. "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo."
With a confused and intrigued look, the Rich Man asks, "Why did you buy her those gifts?"
The Poor Man replies,
"Well, in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go fuck herself."

October 1, 2009

The New Joks of the Day

Occupation Please:

A prostitute goes into the tax preparer to get her tax form done.
"Okay," says the tax guy, "We need to list your profession for income purposes."
"Well," she says, "It’s Prostitution."
"No, No Lady, we can't put that down!" the tax guy says.
"Oh well, then a hooker," she says.
"Hell No, the IRS still won't accept that."
So she thinks for a minute and replies, "Chicken Farmer."
"Chicken Farmer?" says the tax guy.
"Sure," she says, "I raised over 200 cocks last year!"