February 26, 2010

The Daily Joke

Shit Here:

Lou and Elton, a pair of homosexual lovers, went hiking.
Lou ducked behind a bush when he felt nature calling.
Suddenly he cried out, "How terrible! I miscarried! I miscarried! Here is a little arm! There is a little leg! This is so awful!"
"Shut up, you fucking idiot!" Elton scolded. "You just shit on top of a frog!"

February 25, 2010

The Daily Joke

A Sorry State of Affairs:
A real conversation between a Customer and Bank of America-
Bank: This is the Bank of America can I help you?
Customer: Yes, I want to cancel my account. I don't want to do business with you any longer.
Bank: Why?
Customer: You're giving credit to illegal immigrants and I don't think it's right. I'm taking my business elsewhere.
Bank: Well, Mr. Customer, we don't want to see you do that, but we can't stop you. I'll help you close the account. What is your account number?
Customer: (gives account number)
Bank: For security purposes and for your protection, can you please give me the last four digits of your social security number?
Customer: No.
Bank: Mr. Customer, I need to verify your information, but in order to help you, I'll need verification of who you are.
Customer: Why should I give you my social security number? The reason I'm closing my account is that your bank is issuing credit cards to illegal immigrants who don't have social security numbers.
You are targeting that audience and want their business.  Let's say I'm an illegal immigrant and you've given me a credit card. I have a question about it and call for assistance. You wouldn't be asking me for a Social Security number, would you?
Bank: No sir, I wouldn't.
Customer: Why not?
Bank: Because you would have pressed '2' to speak in Spanish. We don't ask for that information when someone is calling in on the Spanish line.

February 24, 2010

The Daily Joke


After all the "kabitching" about the military not having their 'STUFF' together and winning the war in Iraq, perhaps we should take a moment and review and compare our Military activities with other actions taken in recent history.

It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound.
That was a 51-day operation.

It took less time to find evidence of chemical weapons in Iraq, than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records - at the White House no less.

It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Teddy Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sunk at Chappaquiddick.

It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida in the year 2000.

February 23, 2010

The Daily Joke

Top 20 ways to say - Your Fly Is Open:

20) The cucumber has left the salad.

19) I can see the gun of Navarone.

18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17) You've got Windows in your laptop.

16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

And, the number one way to tell someone their fly is unzipped is:

1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

February 22, 2010

The Daily Joke

The Difference:

The difference between "guts" and "balls"

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
 assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
 "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling 
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the 
ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

February 19, 2010

The Daily Joke

Don’t Scare The Children:

A guy comes home early one day from work.
And he hears weird sounds coming from his bedroom.
When he gets to his room, he finds his wife naked on the bed sweating bullets. 

What the hell is going on? he says.

I'm having a heart attack!!
So he runs down stairs, and picks up the phone to dial 911.
But as he is doing this, his four-year-old son, comes running up to him and says, Dad, I’m scared, Uncle Tommy is up stairs, hiding in your closet, and he's naked.
So he slams the phone down, and runs upstairs, to find his own brother, in the closet.

The husband then says, What the hell are you doing?
My wife is having a heart attack, and your here running around naked, scaring the hell out of the kids? You should be ashamed of yourself!

February 18, 2010

The Daily Joke

Actual Newspaper Headlines:

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash

Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite

Victim Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Local Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Palatine

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Sheriff

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Include your Children When Baking Cookies

4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

February 17, 2010

The Daily Joke

here I Sat on the Couch Naked:

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too hot that morning.
I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me.
She didn’t even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday.
I thought, Well, that’s wives for you.
The children will remember. The children came down to breakfast and didn’t say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, Good Morning, Boss, and Happy Birthday. I felt a little better. Someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, lets go to lunch, just you and me.
I said, By George, that’s the greatest thing Ive heard all day. Lets go. 

We went to lunch.
We didn’t go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, you know, it is such a beautiful day; we don’t need to go back to the office, do we?
I said, No, I guess not.
She said, lets go to my apartment. 

After arriving at her apartment she said, Boss, if you don’t mind, I think Ill go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.
Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.
They were all singing Happy Birthday and there I sat on the couch.......naked.

February 16, 2010

The Daily Joke

Italian Business School:

Luigi ( the father... says to his son):
'I want you to marry a girl of my choice.'

Son says: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'

Luigi says: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter..'
Son answers: 'Well, in that case...ok'

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates and says.
'I have a husband for your daughter...'

Bill Gates answers: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!'

Luig says: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank'

Bill Gates answers: 'Ah, in that case....ok'

Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Luigi says: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'

President answers: 'But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!'

Luigi says : 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.'

President answers: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

And that, my friends, is how Italians do business.

February 15, 2010

The Daily Joke


An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2,000 yen 
and walked out with 72.00 US Dollars.
The following week, he walked in with 2,000 yen and was handed $66.00.
He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week. 

The lady answers, "Fluctuations." 

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned 
around and said "Fluc you Amelicans too!" 

February 12, 2010

The Daily Joke

Heaven is Waiting:

Three friends die and go to heaven.
The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there. 

Why? he asks.

St. Paul replies, When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.
The same happens to the second guy.
He asks why.

St. Paul replies, When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.
The third guy laughs at his friends and says, Thank God I didn't do anything like that.
He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven.
The other two guys ask, Why?
Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.

February 11, 2010

The Daily Joke

Asian Lady Communicates:

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. 
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.
She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. 
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with chicken legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.
 Again, she didn't know how say it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. 
The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. 
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store.

What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English !!!!!

February 10, 2010

The Daily Joke


"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

"No thank you." the gentleman replied.
"That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed.

"Anything for your wife?" he asked.

"Yeah! That's a good idea." the fellow said.
"Please bring up a postcard."

February 9, 2010

The Daily Joke

Three Blonds:

Q: What is dumber than three beavers building a house under water?

A: Three blonds trying to burn it.

February 8, 2010

The Daily Joke

Writing Tickets:

One day, Tom went to the store.
He was only in there for about five minutes and when he came out, there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
Tom approached the cop and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
The cop ignored him and continued writing the ticket.
So, Tom called him a pencil-necked geek.
The cop glared at him and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
So, Tom called him a horse's ass.
The cop finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then, he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about fifteen minutes.
The more Tom abused the cop, the more tickets he wrote.
Tom didn't give a damn because, his car was parked around the corner!

February 5, 2010

The Daily Joke

Baptist Dinner for Eight:

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, “No mushrooms, they are too high.”

He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.'

She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'
He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.'

So, Janet decided to give it a try She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ole' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.

Ole' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ole' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played monopoly and dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear, 'Mrs Williams, Ole' Spot just died'

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.'

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT's and the doctor had suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now.' Then he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, that fellow that ran over Ole' Spot never even stopped.

February 4, 2010

The Daily Joke

Private Detective:

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife.
The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted a video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with the video.
They sat down together to watch it.
Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe?
It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

February 3, 2010

The Daily Joke

Puzzled Man:

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small
farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in
a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up
to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples
off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from
one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he
would start again with the next pig.

The city man watched this activity for some time with great
Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a

February 2, 2010

The Daily Joke

Screwed By Nuns:

I was riding my Harley when I saw a sign by the road that said [Sisters of St. Mary's Convent, 10 miles, get screwed for only $50.00], I thought, nahh must be some kind of a joke.
A little further, there was another sign, [Sisters of St. Mary's Convent, next exit, follow the signs and get screwed for only $50.00]. 
Well I thought I gotta check this out, so I took the exit and followed the signs.
Pulling into the parking lot I saw only a couple of other bikes.
I went up and knocked on the door, a nun actually answered.
I said, "um, I saw the signs by the road." 
"Oh" she smiled, "Come on in."
So I did, then she said, "You want to go down that hall on the right and then knock on the second door", so I went down and knocked.
A half dressed nun with the greatest body I've ever seen on a sister answered, and smiled, she said "I'm just getting finished so just put the $50.00 in the jar on the dresser and go through that door at the end of the room, and please wait"  She winks, and points to the door, and then saunters out wigglin' one hell of a great ass.
I put my money in the jar, and went out the door.
To my surprise, I found myself back in the parking lot.
I thought this must be a mistake, and turned back to the door. There was a sign that read, "Sinner, YOU've just been screwed for $50.00 by the Sisters of St. Mary's"
You just can't trust a nun.

February 1, 2010

The Daily Joke

School Dean:

The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was inter- viewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.
"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.
"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean very impressed.
"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."